12 April 2000

My acting teacher told us we should carry around a little notebook, so we could jot down what we do, what we think, and what we see all day long--what a wonderful document of your life that would be, if you could keep it up!

I have kept a diary since Christmas '89, so I'm on my way to recording some portion of my life, but a diary or a journal misses so much of what happens to you. Or even just how you view the world and such. And I've never been consistent, with my journals. I would often miss many days in between. I never a kept a diary to record my daily events. It was only there when I needed to complain, or gloat, or ponder the mystery of boys, and who liked who and what I should do. ;)

I have documented the past ten years of my populated boy life. I'm sure someone could figure something about me, if that was all they had to work from...my diaries. But goodness, it's not all of me.

After Mark died, Michael, my old youth leader, and Joel, his best friend, read through his diary for clues that might have triggered why he killed himself. I'm not sure if it was a real journal or if it was just a bible/notebook thingy. But all I could think when I heard that, what a horrifying idea....if people read my diary! I suppose it wouldn't matter...I would be dead already, but what a terrible invasion of privacy, your inner thoughts immortalized on paper. Maybe that shows what a truly personal person I am. I know there are so many things that dear diary knows that not one of my friends knows of. Truth be it known, the few online confidences I have accquired since 8th grade, in and out of my life, have been the only ones to truly know what I do, how I think, and everything on.

It's not that I don't trust my best friends, because i sincerely have had *two* Best Friends for a couple of years now, and between the two, this and that, gets spilled but....

It's becoming more and more obvious to me now that I am going different ways from both of them. I don't know that they completely don't serve any role in my life as of now, because i love them so much. With the one, I've been super close with off and on since 6th grade, the other since...well I wouldn't consider her my best friend until the end of my sophomore year in HS, although I had known 'of her' since middle school.

I'm just...not like them. And I don't feel comfortable telling them the things I do, the way I view life with my philosophy, or really a lot of who I am. We don't have the same values, we don't look at things the same way, and basically I'm scared they'll judge me.

I think both of them, would probably...I don't know, it's not like they would disown me, but...even if they knew and they said "alright, i'm not going to change you" they...okay, well they wouldn't say that. They would say I was wrong. Or if they didn't say it, I know they would think it. And we would just disagree. So is it better to pretend?

I don't feel so much on regular terms that i'm acting like this "different person" because I'm not. You don't always confront morals and beliefs on an immediate day to day basis, but sometimes it's really present and it makes me uncomfortable, knowing i'm not letting myself be the truest form of who I could be, who I want to be.

I wish they could accept me, and maybe they could, I'm just not giving them the chance, but the truth is, I think K just ignores it. From time to time we'll have this confrontation and I'll try to tell her what I think, and it just turns into this mess. So she ignores it. Overlooks it. Maybe I play my part so good, she doesn't think I think the same way, but I do. I think underneath it all, she knows I still do. If she could accept me as who I am, i just wish that...and not to want to change me, and not feel bad that she can't, and not always have this "poor silly girl" look when we talk about. She thinks she's so right. I'm willing to say she could be.

I could be too. And the beauty of what I believe....is that she can be right, and so can I. The divine dichotomy.