1 October 2000

Ah, October. It releases memories attached to Orange, Fall, Leaves. Crisp, clear air, fulgent blue skies. Haha, that's today's "word of the day."

My next door neighbor pre-elementary days school friend...it's her birthday on the 26th. I can still remember her old telphone number. (451-29**) Ha, you should call and see who answers now. It's my brother's birthday on the 25th. Back to the 26th it's my parent's 26th wedding annivarsary. 30th is Kat's b-day. I love Halloween. It's in my top 3 fave holidays (4th July, New Year's Eve).

So about boy depression...it all goes back to dependency. It all goes back to my fear of dependency. Because I do fear it. I don't want to...I don't want to feel like I need someone? Because I need myself, I depend on myself, myself, myself myself. I don't need Jeff, I don't depend on Jeff, but I enjoy being with him so much...I think that does scare me. I think it scares anyone, of being left, of being disappointed. You don't ever want a good thing to end. I don't think Jeff and I area anywhere close of parting ways. I think we're just beginning to grow.

And maybe that's what scares me. Maybe, I like seeing someone once a week, because if it's like that, I can't possibly build up any dependency. But when I see someone so much, and spend so much time with that person...it's like you and the other person start to become one.

And wow, that's so awesome and amazing, and great, but it is...scary, to try to let yourself go. It's so vulnerable, and I think I start getting insecure by that point. And I don't know what the other person is feeling, which is sort of when I shut down.

Which is sort of how I've been, or how I was over the weekend. And it seems like everytime I want to call him, everytime I want to see him, but hold back, and instead feel that unhappiness for doing it, *he* calls, and we end up going out. It's like, aglaia, if he keeps calling you everyday to do something....he must want to be with you everyday, so don't be so pyscho. ;)

Er, or something like that.

So last night, I crawl into bed.

He calls around 11:30.

Yaa, for Jeff.

I go over and we watch The Insider. (Great movie, it was my first time seeing it.) And we're kissing, and it's so...passionate, like I know I keep saying that, but it was like....hungry. Haha. I'm dumb. And I know that's just lust talking, but...yeah. I've noticed lately....either, he's been having "real" orgasms lately, or, I don't know, but he goes soft a lot quicker now. Sex ends....a lot sooner. Which is fine, it prevents me from growing dry and swelling up.

Last night, he was so hands hungry. Finger-f*cking me, and all over my clit. It was just too intense, as always. I'm always grabbing his hand, trying to pull him away, but he wouldn't let me. So I joined him. I was trying to show him, where I wanted him, and what would be less direct but it didn't seem like he was following. I was more or less masturbating in front of him, and finally he found a place beside my clit that worked a lot better and....

Viola. I finally orgasmed with a guy. Now, I think Chris did actually make me come once, with his hands as well, but it was so short and weak, it doesn't feel like that should really count. This was a real one. I keep thinking that I could potentially orgasm through penetration. But who knows. If that day ever would come, that would be amazing.

I don't even know if he knew that was my first time he ever was successful. Ah, if needs be, I'll just have to show him again, lol.

There was a point where I reached down and grabbed his unit and it was totally completely soft. Whaddya think....guys are about 3 inches soft, and around 5 on average hard? That's what I'm beginning to think is typical.

James thinks it's weird that we don't talk about our sexual relationship. I suppose it is sort of....weird that we don't really talk about it. I mean we do, but we don't. Do you think I should try to actually have a flat out conversation about sex with him? I can't figure out what the purpose would be. Better communication he says.

Did I tell you that while I was drunk and with my co-workers I told them all that my boyfriend wasn't doing it for me, and I was really unhappy with him. gasp. I of course don't remember saying any of that. Oh geez. They keep asking me how things are going with my boy trying to give my "pointers" and such. Oh geez, again.

I look forward to my Thursdays though. It's nice to go out with different people, opposed to just my Fuzzies or Jeff.

Well, I should be doing homework or something.

Bye.

PLEASE sign the g-book, it's lonely. :)