12 September 2004

Are you creative and looking for a new but small project to keep you busy? Help design AGLAIA's BANNERS! If interested and capable please email to [email protected] or leave a message in my guestbook with a way to get back to you! I would be happy to put a link to your website or somehow announce you did my banners as a form of payment!

So, Jeff and I have been pretty good lately. I don't know if any of our ongoing issues have been worked out but certainly our affection and attention towards each other has been at a pretty good level. He's still moody and frustrated with his job outlook and has continued his random rants of desperation "let's move...tomorrow!"

I understand his frustration and helplessness and certainly his desire to move out of his parent's house (which personally for me, cycles from "that would be nice to have my own place" to "oh my god, get me out of here or I will kill someone!")

I think moving out will be good for a lot of reasons. I think our relationship will improve too. I can't make any claims to our ongoing issues...those may always exist...but I think things will change and my life will grow up a notch. Just as a personal experience it will good for many reasons.

Although I did live on campus with friends I always had student loans. Even the summer I stayed on campus I had taken out extra student loans in the Spring just to subsidize my summer living. Which is a good thing, too, b/c I left that summer not having saved a thing even though I was working three part time jobs (sigh). But for the freedom it (literally) bought me I think it was all worth it.

My job is extremely stressful right now. Simply stated I have too much "on my plate" and I don't have enough time or know-how to complete it all it the time frame necessary. It's all very overwhelming and kind of scary. It can be, on occasion exciting and fun...sort of like "scary like a roller coaster" where your adrenaline is flowing but in the end you know everything will be all right. But, on the otherhand it can also be scary like...hey, my car is flying off the side of a cliff...and I'm not so sure we're gonna make it.

Ugh. For the conference I help plan we have a few key print pieces that show all the various features of the conference. I have been compiling session information into an excel document to show the session schedules and a word document that includes descriptions for the sessions. This is all fine and dandy.

Well, sort of. Since we're a nonprofit, everything pretty much works through committees...which are headed and staffed by volunteers. I was supposed to have all of my speaker information by early June from the committees. By early August I was supposed to have received all the information from the speakers that would help me put together these print pieces for the conference (to go out in early October). In theory, it works great.

But, I would say more than half of the committees didn't get their information in on time. Which means speakers didn't get it on time. And even speakers that get stuff on time...I would stay 85% of them do not turn things in on time back to us. So....I spend most of my day following up with people trying to get this information from them. So, now it's mid September and if you can believe it, there are still committe chairs that have not submitted all their speaker information.

So, not only am I putting together marketing pieces all about the conference...I don't technically have all the information to even put that together. And who knows how long it will take for a speaker to turn around and spit out session titles/descriptions in a week...assuming I get all this information in the next week (not likely).

Argh. So that is the "meat" of my day. While I have eight thousand other smaller projects I'm putting together and following up, wrapping up, getting approved, and so on. This also is all fine and dandy...for the most part. It's still too much work really to get done all on time, but I'm still riding on the roller coaster (for the most part).

Then, what I do with my excel document and word document is pass it on to another woman who then makes it look all nice and pretty in some publishing software. When this happened last year I'm sure she hated me, b/c as listed above, things are constantly changing on the schedule. Between following up with committees and speakers (I have about 150 speakers and 15 committees) I usually get calls every other day saying that something has been changed or there's a problem (I'm scheduled on Thursday but can't get to Columbus until Friday). Or, committee chair decides that Dr. Smith really needs to speak on Sunday which will require ABCD speakers to move around their schedule. Or maybe, it's just a simple "I'd like to change my title" call.

So, all this is going on and I continue to pass it on to our communications director as she is putting together the final product for review. This is who it went last year. This year, they decided since I'm handling the session grid and the session descriptions it would really make more sense for me to do the final product in the publishing software b/c this other woman (1) does not really have enough time to do it and (2) why should she copy and paste all my work if I could just put it in there directly?

Again, in theory...this too makes sense. Problem, is that I have never used publishing software and don't have a clue where to begin. We are using InDesign and I took a one-day course on it. I really didn't "learn" anything. I was shown how to do many different functions for many different purposes....but when the instructor says, "go here, click that, open this and check that box..." sure it's pretty understandable and easy.

BUT, while I saw plenty of great things that didn't *really* make any sense (I don't ever work with publishing projects to begin with so there's no "a ha" moments to be found) --I didn't see ANYTHING that looked remotely like what I needed to do with the software.

Which basically, to sum up, means that we are taking software based for one purpose, and manipulating its full ability for the project we have created. And from the research I did, I think it probably is the best software for us to use...but, it's still a pretty big project, using MANY, many features of the program.

I, from the beginning felt a little overwhelmed by it all. But, I'm pretty good with computers and just assumed it would all kind of fall into place. Wrong. It's been terrible. It's so terrible, I can't even begin to explain. I mean, it's like trying to write a character analysis (an impressive pursuit in itself) in a book that is written in detailed and colorful language...oh yeah, and it's in French.

Well, I don't know French. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to pick it up in a month. And even if I could start taking classes to learn it...I would be no where even kind of close to reading a book...and certainly not a complex one...and to write an analysis...yeah right!

This was where I was about a month ago. I came in on the weekend to check the software out...I immediately began to hyperventilate. How in the world was I EVER going to get this project done?? I was frustrated and confused and the more I tried to do anything in the program the more lost I felt. I'm still in Microsoft world and Adobe was like another planet. I couldn't even get simple commands like "bold" or even to get anything to type and I'm supposed to complete a 10 page + complex grid spread with this software --AHHH!

So, I took it to Jeff. He is familiar with Adobe products but has never specifically used InDesign. He managed to get around it a bit, although, he himself admitted he would have to play around with it some more to really figure out what he was doing. He showed me some things and while I was still pretty shaken and upset about the prospect of doing it, I thought, maybe I can do this.

Next weekend I was in the same boat. I was almost immediately balling my eyes out and moaning in a horrible reality of the lack of power I had to do anything useful when it came to using the program. Once again, I went to Jeff. He showed me some options but I was uncertain if I would be able to do it.

I was ready to give up and fess up to my employer that I just wasn't capable at this time to do this kind of a project. That I agreed it should be my responsibility at some time and I would continue to play with the program to become more familiar...but at least for this round over, we either need to hire someone to do it or give it back to the woman who did it before. Jeff didn't think I should go crying, yet, and since I didn't really like the idea of that either I held off in hope that something else could be worked out.

I was able to get something to work where I could import my excel grid and I thought my life was saved. Unfortunately, I am so backwards with the program...even though I could import it, I had no way or understanding to manipulate the information once I got it to InDesign. I spoke with the woman who had worked with it before and she showed me a few quick things....it gave me hope that it could be done, but I also felt frazzled and frustrated all over again.

Each time she asked me to do something, I froze in fear and panic because I had no idea how to even begin to do the commands she was asking me to do. Would have been the opportunity to say "I'm clueless, help!" but I said I'd work on it on my own and see what I could do. Well, at least that got her out of the room.

I was a complete mess the rest of the day. Couldn't focus or work on anything. The whole thing...it reminds me of math class or spanish class or writing a paper that I could just NOT do no matter what. It's like I had maxed out my brain to its capacity and I kept pounding at it to just magically produce something and when nothing comes....I just start to fall apart. I know I need to just be patient, but I think the fear, the freeze...it's because I know that what I have in front of me may be doable in some fashion, but the time it would take to do it....just doesn't exist.

What the hell do you do then?

So, I took it to Jeff again. I couldn't remember what the girl had done to manipulate the excel table (even though I thought I had written it down...it didn't work, sigh) and Jeff couldn't quickly find the solution to change the graph. He then summed up the uneasiness I felt inside.

With six years of experience in Adobe software he could probably spend a day playing with the program and maybe figure out what we need to do to make this work. He said that even if I spent six months at 40 hours a week working on the software I still would probably not be able to fully understand the software's capability. So, I was basically starting at ZERO knowledge hoping to have a complex project done and figured out in two weeks. Do see the hopelessness of the situation?

Again, I figure I'm ready to collapse in shame and just explain to my superiors that it wasn't going to work out. BUT, then Jeff, once again thought he had found a solution. I would take last year's document and just copy past from my excel grid into it. Since for the most part the outline of the document would stay the same this should work. Even if I wasn't manipulating a thing....copy/pasting everything I have would take a small lifetime....but I figured I could at least be a monkey and help out my comm. director from having to do that.

At that point, I figured she would be able to help me do some of our changes we had talked about to make the overall document look pretty.

Well, today I went into work, knowing that my supervisor wants the document done by Thursday. I am out of the office for the whole day on Wednesday so that leaves me two very stressful days to copy and paste my heart out.

I am there at work for 2 hours simply working and not looking at InDesign. I have so much general work to do it's disgusting. I would have worked on InDesign at work but it makes me so frazzled and upset that I was afraid it would render me useless again so I thought I would just come in on the weekend to get a good portion of it finished. Plus, since so much of my "work" involves following up with people....if I don't take that first step to initiate movement with a committee chair it's that much longer before I hear back from them, they contact someone, they hear back from them, they get the information back to me, I take that information and put it to use in all the forms that I use it (bleh.)

So, it's hard to work on InDesign to begin with b/c I feel like I'm swimming in all my usual stuff I have to do! So, after two hours of just working I know I have to stop and work on InDesign. I open it up, copy/paste two items with some issues but I was able to fix it (er, sort of, but I figured someone could HELP me fix it later on). I am only down to my third c/p (out of about 1200 --not joking) and the formatting is not the same and I cannot for the life of me figure it out. I already am stopped and don't know how to fix it.

I begin...to panic and freak out. It's terrible. I do, I completely freeze up inside and I can't do anything. It's like the frustration and the confusion swallow me to the point where I'm just overloaded inside. I guess it's that ultimate...I just want to do it...I sincerely want to do something and I am willing to give you everything and I have NO IDEA where to even begin. It's not even a situation where I'm stuck and it's hard but I can take steps to work through it...it's like reading that book in french--where do you begin? I know I don't have the time to look up every single word--and even then it may not translate exactly into any understanding. I don't have time for this and I know it.

And I am scared. I was so....frightened. I mean, I feel like a complete failure. It's not only my own feelings of disappointment for not just "picking it up" (however unattainable that really may be in this short period of time) it's the embarrasment and pure lies I've led others to believe at work. Everyone thinks I'm working on it. As far as everyone knows...I'll have it done by Thursday. If they asked (and just last Thursday they did) I said it shouldn't be a problem to get it done by then.

How do I go from "no problem" to...hey guys...not only do I have NOTHING for you...I also can't do it at all. Yeah! How about you who is also probably swimming in work to the point it makes you want to cry, how would you like this monster project? Sounds like fun, right?

I feel like I've totally screwed my team. Plus, honestly, I don't see how I am ever going to learn this program. The fact is, to do what I need to do I need a specific tutorial for this project (which doesn't exist, b/c it's unique to our project) and/or I need to begin learning this software from square one. And how exactly am I supposed to do this? I don't have time at work, and I don't have enough time as is in my life to do it at home. And even if I did have it at home....since I don't do anything with publishing at all...I don't really have anything to "play" to help learn it.

What I need is someone by my side to hold my hand and help me understand it specifically to what i'm doing. There is no one to help me. The woman who was doing this project before....she uses it constantly. I mean, this software is new b/c we were using PageMaker before but it is my understanding that we can consider it to be the same program...but better.

Ughhh, I am so mentally exhausted by it all. My head hurts from the stress and tension (not to mention the power crying sessions I have been participating in). And Jeff, poor Jeff. I know he wants to help me...but at the same time he doesn't want to do my project for me. And why should he? It's not his problem to worry about and I don't want to use or abuse his expertise. He has been helping me so I know I shouldn't feel this way...but I almost feel like it would be better if I hadn't been able to access him early on for his tips. If there was no Jeff I would have fessed up early on to my superiors that this just wasn't happening.

It was never going to feel good to have to make that announcement that I just couldn't "pick it up" but looking back now I don't think it's an expectation that I could meet or anyone else for that matter. I have picked up new software (like database things) so in my head I just thought sure....a new challenge this could be fun. I didn't realize that what I was doing....was really creating something from scratch. It's not a simple shift of responsbilities this was like a major bomb that I could not escape. I have no idea how to use this software. Really, no more than I knew before I took that class either (which is zero).

And, while it would have sucked for everyone involved at that point, I think I could have slipped out okay. But, now...with it being due...I mean we're on production time lines to get our first marketing piece together. I get it on Thursday so revision/review can begin to send it to printers by the end of next week! Jeff, says he will do it for me.

He also says he won't accept any money for it. And while I think that's very generous of him....I don't think it's fair. Plus, while he's helping me out, he's still contributing to my stress factor. He's like..."i'm not spending all night on this thing" and saying other cranky comments like that. And, I don't think he needs to be really jolly about having to do someone else's work, but I wish he would help me out on a professional level.

I want to pay him. I want to say I am taking personal work and outsourcing to Jeff (who just happens to be my boyfriend). If the company won't pay for it (and why should they?) fine, but I will pay for it. I want him to just accept the job and accept the money rather than make it seem like I'm hasseling him. I know doing someone else's work wouldn't make me too happy either, but if he's going to be a piss about it then don't say you will help me out.

Am I being unfair? I have no idea what I'm going to tell my work tomorrow. I would love to just continue to say nothing and then just magically have it prepared for them on time. But, I feel obligated to clue them in to my own cluelessness. They need to know that I am simply not capable of doing this project at this time (and may not be prepared even next year unless if I can get some personal assistance to really help me understand the project and how to do it). How do I apologize while still coming out on top?

I feel I have been put in this situation unfairly because there is probably no way anyone could have done what they needed. But, I also should have said something right away. I really did sincerely think I could get it all figured out in time. So I have let myself down. And I am scared of admitting I messed up....big. Jeff kept telling me to shut up already (in kinder words of course), but essentially he's sick of me freaking out (so am I) and I almost think he's helping me out to quiet me up than to really help.

I don't know. I'm feeling awfully "poor me." Additionally, I have been extra abusive at home to both mom and Neil. Just to add to feeling bad about myself. I wish I could go into therapy. I do think there's something wrong with me. I'm just always on edge and I've got all this anger towards my mother. Even when I know she's trying to be helpful I take everything she says as a criticism and its exhausting.

Get me out of here, get me out of here....