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Words, Poetry and God

16 July 2008

I feel like I am losing it. Mentally and emotionally. I don't really know what's wrong with me. I would love to just go in a hole and hide for awhile. Just go and exist by myself without any responsibilities or obligations. I'm not talking death. I think suicide is a hurtful, unfortunate choice for a person who feels they are without choice. It's a no-choice and that's never the reality. In the end it's just a sad departure where you leave behind too many questions and too much sadness. If it is a choice, it's a selfish one.

Plus, I don't want to die. I like life. I just....don't like it right now. Even that's not true. Life is fine, my brain, the constant chatter, that is what is bad.

I do find myself just wishing I could disappear, go away, hide, be still, be quiet, and cease to...well, be. And that sounds terrible and depressing but I don't think of it as death or even the stopping of life. I just think of it as...stopping.

No more thoughts, no more stress, no more worries. Just peace.

I remember studying Buddhism and thinking Nirvana sounded awful. Unlike Hinduism where enlightenment is becoming one with God and expanding ones knowledge and awareness, finally knowing (or remembering) who you are and how it all connects....Nirvana was really the ceasing of everything. The complete stopping. A nothingness. The flame extinguishing.

Nothingness....who would want that?

But, now, when I'm just depressed with my thoughts and my worries and my anxiety, nothingness sounds peaceful and nice. So I think when I want it to stop I don't want death. I want Nirvana. I want a deeper peace that my frantic everyday life isn't giving me right now.







I used to cry a lot when I got like this. Sad, depressed and fatigued. So, so tired. Well, I'm still tired but instead of being sad (as much) I feel...angry. I feel wronged and fiery. I am, ahem, prone to some pretty scary temper tantrums. It's NOT me at all. Most of my close friends would probably be very confused and shocked to learn (or worse, witness) one of my meltdowns.

It's a very shameful experience. It's just all these things I hold in and suffer through come boiling out and I am in a complete rage. I think only my close family has seen it. Jeff has never actually been around for one...although, I've talked to him on the phone while in the midst of one. Or talked to him after one. But, even then, I'm not giving him the full picture. He knows I'm crazy and that I cry but not, I don't think, how I rave and rave and rave.

I think, because with my parents and my siblings I can be vulnerable with them. That they'll shake their heads and roll their eyes but in the end forget it happened that I can do it in front of them. That doesn't make it a good thing. I think either directly or indirectly my mom is always involved with a tantrum. Mostly, because I think a lot of my insecurities stem back to her. I just feel a lot of pressure when I go home and I feel like my mom is constantly judging me. So, if she does or says something (or usually a series of somethings) that can light the fire of a rage.

She can make me feel so bad about myself. Just unbelievably...like I'm a horrible, cruel, selfish woman and that I've disappointed her, possibly to a point that I can never redeem myself.

Ha, I guess that's why I get anxious whenever go home.

I know a lot of this I have in my head. That I store it there. Afraid and ready. I know that I probably jump on her or something she says, ready to the defense when it's not meant to be taken so personally. But, even still, she knows how to get to me. I don't think she realizes what she is doing.

She is a very dedicated mother. A good mom. A very loving and unselfish mom. I have a lot of wonderful things to say about her and the way she raised us. But, is she demanding, overbearing and judgmental? Absolutely. Does she only do it because she loves me (and my siblings so much)? Sure. It doesn't make the experience of it any better though. I still leave home after a visit feeling shitty and wondering if I've permanently damaged my relationship in some way. I just feel so bad and all I want to do is make my mom happy with me. I want her to be proud of me and I always feel like such a disappointment which is so unfair.

I am a good person and a good daughter. I was a good student and didn't get into trouble when I was younger. I was involved in school activities and sports. I went to college, made good grades and am doing well professionally. I have a stable relationship with a good guy from a solid family. I mean, I'm such a decent person and I shouldn't have to feel like shit every time I go home. She drives me crazy. I don't think she realizes how much I internalize everything that she says and does.

And the worst of it, is she is a really sensitive person too so she's internalizing everything as well. I don't know what she thinks of me. I leave home thinking....that she's just disappointed that she's raised a selfish brat. I don't know. This last fight...it killed me. She basically said I just spit on her and the family and I don't even care that I do it. It's so unfair of her to say that. I'm the only (child) left that actually falls for her guilt-traps. I'm the only one that DOES care.







I wonder if I'll just be like this for the rest of my life. Ebbing in and out of funks. Sometimes light, sometimes dark and sometimes I will slip longer and harder, in either direction. What a terrible way to live. I've felt messed up ever since the fifth grade. I feel everything. Every little ache, every little change. Physical or mental.

I can't tell if I live in a functional depression, something I've dealt with almost all my life or if I'm just crazy. Or pathetic. I complain all the time and it drains me too.

Do I just need to shut up and endure? Do we all suffer and I'm the only one constantly expressing it?

I know I do not "suffer" in the bigger meaning of life. I am privileged and life is good (relatively). But I live in a constant suffering of something. Whether it's physical, manifesting itself in a range of pain and discomfort or simply not feeling right spiritually or emotionally I am constantly struggling to simply exist.

I reach these levels of just...feeling so done with everything. And that's when I want to hide. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with life. EVERYTHING is frustrating. Nothing works. Everything is wrong. I see my failure in everything I touch or do.

It's all in my head but I get trapped in the negativity.

I can talk to Jeff...but at the same time I can't. I take him into a deep, dark place that no one wants to go. I take him to a place where I only wallow and there are no solutions. I take him into a secret where the anxiety of him being in on it stresses me out more and makes my mind spiral even quicker.






I miss words and poetry and god.






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