13 July 2000

Do you ever have beginnings, or stories, or thoughts, and you think how great they would be to explore here on d-land, so you put them aside, shove them to the back, and once you get here, your mind is blank, but hurried, and you don't know if you should start on a stale idea or just sit until something new hits you? (I like run on sentences.)

Today at work Justin flipped my ponytail and told me I was his favorite person right then. Only because I just told him he was closed for the afternoon (which meant he was minutes closer to getting to Windsor, and starting his fun and games of drinking and gambling.) For some reason I was amazed with my shudder as I scurried away and giggled about having my ponytail swung (and how it really grossed me out.) For no reason at all, it was just funny. Ah. Moving on.

Jeff's future roommie to be is working at my restaurant. I know who he is, but he doesn't know who I am. Well, I don't really know who he is either, only by name. I feel like I should say someone, since we both know the same person, but don't know each other. And (hopefully) Jeff and I will still be kicking it on into the school year, he'll eventually get to meet me....even though he's already met me.

He's not a very good server. ;) Okay, he's new, and I'm not a very good server quite yet, either. I like double seat him and stuff, and try to give him "helpful" advice. He probably hates me. Never mind, we don't even talk. La la la....

He's built like a football player. I understand why girls like the physique, and maybe it's this genetic...I want a strong man who has strong sperm who will make strong babies underlying things that girls like that type, and yeah, whatever, but I've always been attracted to the more slender types. Like my Jeff.

Am I talking? Sigh....

My sister is moving to Washington D.C. Or she says she is. I don't know about her. According to my mom she's in a lot of debt, she's moving out there with two guys she found through an internet ad who also want to move to D.C.? That sounds kind of shady. She also just had a 1000 dollars worth of repairs to her car very recently. Anyway, she says she's going out there at the end of this month, or say, the first week of August. My 'rents want to make this a "summer vacation trip" of sorts. Staying from a wednesday until Sunday, helping my sis move in, then taking in some sites.

I think...that would be fun, it's been two years since I've been to D.C. and I loved the buzz and atmosphere the place created. BUT, how am I supposed to get off work for that? right now that would be six shifts I would have to get covered. Also--I *am* trying to save some money over here, I don't really want to give up those days of money making to go to D.C. Do you think my parents would let me stay home? What if I just told my parents I didn't want to go, is that selfish? It's just hard, because I haven't been able to get the hours, and I really want to make the money for Greece.

What if they actually let me stay home alone? That would be creepy. But kind of cool. Uh, party at my house? Haha, no, my mom is psycho, i swear, she finds out about everything. She'd probably secretly tell the neighbors to look for extra cars or something. Anyway. I would rather just stay and work. If I'm going to work for a goal, complain to my boss about my lack of hours, I can't go on a vacation. Some of those shifts are me hosting, when I'm the only host--you can't just not have a host.

I'm really insecure.

I mean, I guess I've always known this, but from time to time the moment hits me and I realize the extent. I place my self-confidence on my looks a lot of time (which is why my screwy complextion at the moment is really "hurting" me mentally). I second guess myself, overthink, over analyze. Sometimes in my mind I feel like that annoying roommate in the movie, Boys & Girls. It is, hard to ever know for sure though. I think I am a confident person. At least, you woudn't be able to guess how little I am sometimes. I fake it, I laugh stuff off easily if things don't go how I like it, but like...

Like, I'm stupid with Jeff. The whole calling thing...if I call him, I feel pathetic, or I wonder...what if he doesn't really want to hang out with me, what if he thinks I'm boring, what if he's met someone else? But I can't expect him to always call, because as some point he must begin to wonder if I actually like him--if I'm never calling. But if I call, I feel like he must feel obligated to do something with me, it's all really stupid.

I feel...funky, like I want to delete this all, in one big highlighted sweep. I want something better. (than this entry.)

Breathe. For myself?

Sometimes I do want something else, than a movie and a couch and the sex, and the curly hair, but what can we do? Flash backs of a timid Aglaia and Tim and her suggestion box, that got a negative no, and a shaking of the head, we're not...supposed to be boring, and it never is, but it's never awesome either. Nothing can always be awesome, or we'd have to keep stepping it up, but should we be left content with a night's deeds and actions? Maybe I'm just bored with myself.

Maybe Dave is right, and I am living my days for another day. But what the hell else, am I supposed to be doing every day?

I just feel lazy and bored, and even though I worked today, and I worked out, and I pulled out the guitar, I didn't feel like I was feeding some bigger part of myself. Lately I've been kind of wanting to draw. Maybe it's Dlove and everytime he mentions himself painting and creating. But I feel like a bored modernist, who's seen it all, and feel like everything's been done, and i'm either too unmotivated to keep searching for something new and interesting, or to be creative and look at something that we look at everyday and make it new again.

Have you ever noticed how "Good morning" is a hello and "Good night" is a goodbye? What's up with that? (Things you notice on a slow night all alone at the host stand.) But really, what if I started saying good morning to people as they left the restaurant, do you think they would look at me strange? Might be a funny kick. I suppose "HAVE a good morning would work." Or "Having a good night" as they are coming in (although a stretch) may work. But of course, the whole point would be ruined.

If there was a point.

I miss people. I think that's what I'm realizing. I miss my people.

Do I have people?