(I wrote this last night over AIM)
Do you ever feel like you want to be real with someone, but it never feels like you're quite there? You don't feel like you're holding back, but it doesn't feel quite right either? I keep telling people that I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.....I've been kind of thinking about it, and yeah....i guess that's true, but at the same time I feel like at this point in my life I don't really have anyone that I connect with. i went out tonight, and I laughed and I was silly, had a good time, and i didn't think about it, and that's life, and that's cool...but then I come home, I always wish there was something more than all that.
So what's missing? I'd say it's god, but i feel right with god. I suppose it could be some spiritual craving, and I'm just not getting my fill, but back to being happy...i give that all up to God and all the wonderful things that He is doing in my life.
But I think a relationship is what I *am* looking for. And I feel so speechless and helpless as to how to create what I'm looking for. And I don't think it can or will just hit me and be perfect. It's going to take a conscious effort, but I want it to happen...and I know it can, I just don't know how or who with. I want so much, and not material, just i want awesome things to be happening in my life, and great things are, but......
oh, uh, econ is effecting me, i instantly thought SCARCITY! So what has been my opportunity costof living a life of the world, and disconnecting myself in the most Hindu of ways when it comes to my mind and my actual actions of attachment? Real life? Real pain? I have no pain.
Is that why I'm so happy? I may be happy, and sometimes i feel so exhilerated, so what is this damn hole in my chest?
Does Chris really have something that could satisfy me? How much effort can i put into this, how much am I willing? Am I willing to put myself out there? Am I willing to take down the walls I've built that protect me? That free me from harm, but restrict me on feeling? How can I talk with him? I just want to be open. I want to have this beautiful open free flow of words and passions.
It's time to flick the switch to "on." I've been dead too long.
