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geez rayn!, union pickets, fantasy Chris, my sis, romance, GOD

1 May 2000

Goodness Rayn. (!)

Having a picket/strike outside your window gives me that twilight zone feeling. The whistles and the yelling and the honking of the horns. Everytime I walked by the protesters today my opinion of it changed. At first supported, then not, back to supporting, then not.

I suppose it's hard to say without being in their shoes and what not. They want money. My money. If they get what they want, it's going to come out of my tuition. Not that I'm a big greedy snob about it, and I know they perform incredibly important functions, like taking care of trash & bathrooms, as well as running the cafeterias and what not, but still....

Why should they be paid any more than minimal wage....which I'm sure they're being paid higher than that, but how can they expect to get these great saleries? I'm sorry you don't feel like you can live the way you want to, but that's a choice in the job you chose. Why should you get health benefits for cleaning the bathrooms?

I worked at Einsteins for nine months when I was 16. I had to do some pretty junky things there, as well as take the abuse from customers. ;) $5.75 I got paid, and I couldn't complain....and nor should I. It's not a skilled job, anyone can do it. I'm saddened by the fact that if society ran like it should, jobs like cafeteria staffing, janitorials and such would be manned by young folk, who were being trained and conditioned for real jobs in the real world. These are jobs that anyone can do, you shouldn't be anything special just because you work at OSU.

I want to be sympathetic, and the most of me says, hell just give them their money, who cares. But just as they were quoted--they figured they had, "nothing to lose.." I just wonder how long it will last. I found that MacDonalds just didn't fill me up like a turkey sub and rice krispie treat could do it. (My usual mealplan fare ;)

So even though I will have to venture out to High street to find some more edibles to do while the strike continues, i find that my R.A. is doing a perfect job of cleaning our bathrooms. Hell, they look cleaner than when we had a real staff doing them. Cool. Enjoy your strike. :)


I spent my whole econ class fantasizing about Chris to keep me awake. It sort of worked, but I kept on wanting to close my eyes to get an even better picture....ruining the purpose of the whole exercise of course. I spent my whole international studies class last quarter jumping from one guy to the next in my mind. Got an A- too, i'm good. ;) There's something completely erotic knowing you're having these fantastic stories lines passing before your eyes in action, and no one suspects. Yeah, i'm just sitting here in class. Sure.

I wonder if I'll tell my mom this weekend that I'm having sex. Not that I need any attention thrown on me....it's my sister's graduation. She's going to take me out partying with her. I can't tell if that will be cool or not.

We've never been close. Actually we had a quick ditty a year back where we said some harsh things. Actually, she was upset that I didn't thank her for something, and when my mom forced me into apologizing to her, I wrote her this incredibly powerful poem, that basically laid it on the line and told her I was sorry....for all the things that she had done to me. So yeah.

If you knew me, you would understand what a grand thing that was. I let people walk over me sometimes, because in the end things don't get to me, and it's easier to just let things slide. So to do this, and give it to her. Bam. It hit.

So, yeah, never been close. I've always admired her though. Just for a show child I would probably ask for a 'Nicole'. (her name). Everything a parent would want to display really. I like me better. But, well i don't know, we're both beautiful but different. I think she's really beautiful deep inside of her, there's this untapped intelligence (well i think others close to her see it, but i've only gotten to take my tastes of her, from overheard phone conversations and what not). So to party with my sister.

I should be a pro. She's the same age as Chris.

Goodness. I just realized that. My whole life I've been the little girl peeking around the corner, face alive and flushed at the glories of my sister with her friends. I always thought they were so cool. I was such the cliche of the little sister. I never wanted to be her, I've always enjoyed ME, as who I am, but there was something...cool about her. She was the cool, popular girl in school. And I could have been, but i never wanted to. But she did. It was just interesting to watch I guess. But I've always projected, always couldn't wait until I was as old as her, because she always brought home the best looking guys.

I just need to be 16. 17. 18?

I am 19. I like my age. I liked being 18 actually. I think I just love college. :) But she's 22. And I made it. I'm dating someone her age! Actually, he's older than her, he'll turn 23 in December. But not by much, she turns 23 in January. Actually, Bryan was 23. But Bryan was just weird all over. I should have documented him better he was quite the curious chapter in my life.

I suppose Chris is turning into an important cdrom turn itself. My virginity.

He was joking over AIM today about how good I was the other night. I can't believe I can be all that good when it was only my second time, but.....I'll just pretend that I was. ;) He continued by asking if i would feel too shortened if he was my first and my last.

Joking of course. But he projects like that a lot. And not joking. Talking about things we'll do in the summer and what not.

He makes me feel romantic. That must be it, I realized. This smooth, romantic feeling. Like I need to bust out the guitar, play four chords over and over again, and hum a tune of how he's the love of my life. It's threatening. Part of me is holding back. Dis-attach yourself to worldly thoughts and desires and actions. You can't get hurt if you never let yourself into that kind of situation.

I think, before I could even get into the ideals of love and deep relationship I need to talk to him about God. What a terrible relationship killer God has been fore me. But it's okay, I, uh, at least know Chris isn't worried about sinning if he's having sex. HAh. Now if I find out he's one of those Christians, who don't act like Christians I will freak out and uh....throw a wet noodle at him. (Lord, where did that one come from?!)

He obviously hasn't seen that part of me, but He's so important, He's so a part of everything, of me, of life, of essence. My real love, the real love. Love.

Bryan was so much to me because we were so intense. This incredible intensity of life philosophy and feeling and emotion, and I sucked him in like he was air and I just realized I needed it to breathe. I needed him to breathe. I wanted him so I could experience breathing, as if it was this whole new idea to me. He was a new idea. He was an exaggerated hope in my mind of something I wanted.

Chris is so much more laid back, but still incredible. In such a different way. I think a better way really. But God. I just want to find him alone with me, or maybe alone but within a crowd...you know, like an aside. Just holding tight to each other, enjoying a crisp wind and black sky punched full of holes of bright stars a bond fire raging near by. And I just want to pour myself out to him, falling into the ground, into him releasing everything I think.

If he felt the way I did..

Oh, if i knew one person who thought the way I did...

am i about to cry?

To know God is to know yourself. To experience God you experience life and others. And to feel One you feel it with the completion of being with another.

I don't know what he believes, what he thinks. And I don't want it to come right out, because I start too many things just coming right out. I want a trigger, a prelude, and it will come when it does. Waiting Is.






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