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Career Clarity begins

26 September 2011

I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated you. Of course, as life goes, much has happened and much has stayed the same. I've been experiencing some career crisis issues and had even mused about looking up a life/career coach to get myself on track when....one of the job blogs I read regularly mentioned they were going to offer a coaching boot camp. I think I would do better with a one-on-one thing but the price was right and I think it will force me to be more reflective on what I'm going through and help me make some difficult decisions on what to do next. This will certainly be one of those things where you only get what you put into it and I hope I can commit to a six-week online program.

Some of my homework before the boot camp begins is to think about a few questions that were provided. One of the recommendations was to use a journal or even a blog to get our thoughts out. These may not be my usual entries as I work through my homework. I also might go off-topic in terms of career. I think being introspective is about approaching yourself as whole. What is going on around and within you a person? I've also elected to skip some questions so if it seems disjointed, it's because it probably is.



  • What keeps you up at night or intrudes during the day?

    On a very basic level, simple work keeps me up. I think about a never ending "to do" that I can't ever seem to get on top of. My workload has steadily increased over the 6, going on 7 years I've been with my company and I'm squeezed. I keep saying I wish I had time and not even "new" time just time to figure out my current tasks and make them better and more efficient. Instead, it seems I keep getting assigned more and more without ever having a chance to make the old better. I feel like I'm barely finishing work to stay afloat and not really doing great work. It's hard on my soul and it doesn't make for a very satisfying work day.

    I've been going through patchy, whiny moments where I really don't want to be at work. It's terrible. It's poisoning work in general which just makes me want to withdraw and throw a pity party. I like work. I like working hard. I am intrinsically motivated to simply create, yet my workload does allow me to create anything.

  • Where do you feel clear?

    Nowhere? I'm a meeting planner. I'm an educator. A facilitator. That feels clear, that feels right. Yet, they keep moving me more and more into corporate fundraising and I really don't like it. But, the more I stay here, the more I mess up, the more I question myself and what I'm doing. I wonder, am I good at being a planner either?

  • What do you want more of at work?

    I want more consideration. It's bad enough to be doing work you don't find enjoyable but it's worse when I'm so ignored. I am a department of one and at best the needs of my corporate partners are an after-thought at best. What's needed is a complete mind shift within my Society and my organization and I don't doubt with time we can get there. But I don't want to be the person to take us there. I want out.

    What I'd like to do more is work on developing our marketing plans, how we interact with our faculty and educators. I would like to work on technology solutions.

  • What steps are you considering right now?

    Here's where I am. I go through very strong bouts of simply wanting to quit. I despair and moan, and feel depressed and withdrawn and it's awful. I have to fight myself everyday to get tasks done. I find myself frequently thinking about leaving early and finding some excuse out of why I have to leave. I know I'm being inefficient. I'm better than this.

    I've been thinking about it so long that I'm afraid it reminds me of the Jeff situation. I thought we were so hopelessly broke and there's no way we could be fixed that by the time I was finally moved to action I didn't even want to talk about it. My solution was to break quickly and escape as fast as possible. Yet, it had been something I had been thinking about for months. I had been through every phase of loss and I hadn't even lost him. He was so caught off guard and thankfully so willing to find a way to make things work that I came around full circle and fell in love again. Thinking back, that option seemed so impossible.

    I wonder if I'm doing that now with my work. Maybe the right thing is to simply tell them I don't like doing this job. See if there's a way to fit me back into my meeting planning role. I think I've brought a lot to the organization and I hope they would see value in me staying even within a different capacity. Of course, the biggest issue is how do you make that work? It's not that we couldn't use the extra staffing. We could hire three more people into my department with very full time positions. But, I don't see them doing that. I keep trying to picture it from the opposite side and it just doesn't look good....if an employee comes to you and says they don't like their job how do you make it work? If you replace them then where do they fit/stay? How do you keep someone who you now know is unhappy? I would be putting myself in a very tough situation.

    I could see it going either way. That they want to keep me and find a solution or they very swiftly find a way to move me out, ahem, restructure me away. The problem, is I've seen it happen to others. Granted, others had done something "bad" or disagreed with the boss and that's why they were let go but...still, I've seen it happen and it happens fast. I'm not financially ready to quit and definitely not ready to be "let go."


    To complicate it I have two bosses. I report to one for my planning/education position and to the CEO for my corporate fundraising role. I think my planning boss would probably be happy to have me back, 100% on meetings, and/or would or could be a great resource if I would decide to move on and find a position elsewhere. I only say "think" because right now she's fried too. She's normally very composed and detect an edge right now. The burn-out is wide spread. So, while I think she'd be sympathetic in general, me coming to her would just be added stress and I'm not sure if she'd have the time to worry herself about my situation. It could even backfire if she thought I was going to quit because she might even more speedily replace me. The big boss is also in burn-out mode. I just....would hate to actually speak up and then find myself without a job.

    But, I'm also not really interested in working for another group. I like the place I'm with for a number of reasons....I basically just want my old job back before they transitioned me into fundraising. I'm even willing to take a pay cut, although, I think it would be tough to stay at the same place and accept a demotion. It might be different switching jobs and starting lower to learn my way up but here...it would be hard on my morale.

    I have this quote posted on the board beside my computer that reads, "A good job can keep you from a big life." It's taken out of context but it's essentially saying it can be a good job at a good company but it may not be a good job for you. When it comes down to it, I'm scared. I'm scared to put myself out there when the job economy is bad. I'm scared of starting over somewhere new after building a reputation and a knowledge base with the group I'm in. I'm scared of leaving and realizing all the good things I left behind.

    I know what I'm doing right now isn't right. It's not a good place to be in. I just don't know how to transition out of it the right way.






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