09 June 2003
Well. I did Shrooms last night. What can I say, where can I begin? Jeff and I have discussed the topic a few times off and on. I had heard positive things about the experience, and being spiritually minded, I really wanted to see where something like Shrooms would take me. At some point we had agreed we would both like to try them, but we really didn't have any friends who did them so the conversation didn't really turn into anything.
Over the last couple of weeks the topic came up again and he thought he would be able to get some, so we were just waiting for the hookup. Well, last night I was at my parents house cleaning my room when he calls and tells me he has them if I would like to try them. Off to campus I went.
To be honest, I was a little scared. I guess you're always a little hesitant in your head because you don't really know what you're getting or what it is going to do. That would be one nice thing if drugs were legalized I would feel a lot more comfortable with what I was putting into my body.
We were going to do them with another friend of his--a third guy had already taken them, and the fourth guy our "supplier" would be there to "babysit", because he knew Jeff and I had never done them. Haha, the fourth guy being a reasonably close acquaintance I felt pretty safe with him. I wouldn't exactly call us friends, but we've hung out a lot this past year. I have a "feel" for his personality, but I guess I've never really sat down and learned anything about him.
Anyway, we go down to his room and he cuts up some chocolate (the shrooms are in it) and asks me to pick my size. Just as I'm doing so the president of the fraternity walks in. La la la.. Now, drugs are pretty much not allowed (obviously), but i think they are somewhat lax about enforcing any punishments or what not. I think the general idea is don't let people see it, and don't talk about to the rest of the Greek community. Sorority's are a lot more restrictive...I know in mine if you were caught drinking in the house you would be in a lot of trouble, but guys are different.
Anyway, I thought the other guys would quickly gobble up their chocolates too, but apparently not. I go ahead and eat my share, though. Yum. Haha, well, it just tasted like chocolate to me. I've heard mushrooms taste pretty bad, but I couldn't taste/smell a thing. But the president could either tell that the cut up chocolates looked suspicious or he could smell the shrooms because he asked what it was. Uhh, it's just chocoate.
Either the answer satisfied him or maybe he just knew he shouldn't ask any more. Once he left the rest of the guys took their share and we went back up to Jeff's room to smoke. I was unsure about the mixing of drugs, but my "friend" said it was okay, and actually he recommended it. Being a "professional" drug user I trusted him.
After smoking a bit it was hard to tell what was from being high and what was from the shrooms. At first I was just high. I know instantly because I'm always a little jittery--just that I am more aware of my body in a strange way. I usually have to sit on my feet and hands so they aren't moving. I know that sounds weird, but if I don't I can't stop thinking about how they feel.
We basically all sat around and watched TV. One of my old favorite movies from growing up was on TV--Romancing the Stone so the boys went back and forth between the movie and some sports show. This guy Colin was really funny, I mean he was so witty, but at the same time he was making cracks, of which I sort of felt the butt of. I mean I know it was all in "good fun" but you still feel slighted. Okay, so I always laugh at nothing when I'm high, but last night I could *not* stop laughing.
I would just laugh and laugh until I was crying. Pretty much the guys just tried not to pay attention or I could tell they were laughing a little at me (because hey, it is kind of funny to see one person randomly laughing about nothing). Ahhh, haha I couldn't tell what was funny. I don't know if it was just the weird sensations and just not knowing how to deal with it or what. I guess in my head i would be thinking something weird--and being aware of being weird, er, I don't know it made me laugh. I know this isn't making any sense. :)
People began to start discussing colors they were seeing. I didn't even realize I was seeing strange things until people started pointing it out. It was as if colors were streamed or streaked. And if you moved your head really quickly everything was kind of smeared in colors...which was interesting. But mostly, what I was fascinated was...my whole world was being reduced down to grids.
This is going to be a little crazy so just hang with me. But I began to see everything as the small parts of which they were made up with. Say, if I was looking at the TV, I could see all the little dots, all the little red and green dots that were creating the image. Jeff's closet doors were moving into little squares and passages from which the wood was going. Jeff's whole body...his clothes, all the lines that made him up were moving and streaming along. And if you followed the paths it was really fascinating. Lol.
I was also either really thirsty or simply holding a water bottle was keeping my hands busy (it's either that or sitting on them). But I would slowly unscrew the cap take a sip, screw it back on (and repeat). At some point I had drank four bottled waters and I really had to use the bathroom.
As I stood up and went down three sets of stairs everything was a big SWOOSH as I turned the quarters. Kind of fun, like being on a roller coaster (I know, I'm crazy ;). Once in the bathroom sitting in this tiny little stall with green walls and a super bright lightbulb illuminating everything I was just in my...own little world.
The grids...it was back, but a lot more interesting. Everything is constantly moving and you can follow it with your eyes, almost falling into it. So I was just staring at the door watching (uh, something move)and all these pictures came out of the patterns of the paint. It felt a lot like when you're a kid staring up at the clouds. All these amazing pictures started forming, but they were moving too. Kind of like clouds still just imagine the clouds are moving really quickly, so just as you can find an image in one, it morphs into something else.
So I watch the images for awhile, and then I stand up and the room spins a bit and I'm staring down into the walls. Haha, this sounds freaky, but it really was cool, there were these two little spots on the wall from which the paint wasn't smooth and they completely created this image that stood out. I don't know how long I stared at the wall, but I think it was kind of awhile. Once out of the stall I kind of just looked around the room and made faces at the mirror.
The mirror...it was almost like being able to talk to my inner self. I mean, I know everyone can kind of "talk" to their self, but this was a more clairvoyant feeling. I realized I give "fuck me eyes" really hard core. Almost, gross, really. I mean it so obvious, and I was shocked, because I never realized how apparent my emotions were. And I do those "eyes" just to be playful at clubs and bars, and...well, shit, no wonder Jeff gets jealous when we go out, I look like I'm ready to sleep with just about anything--and I'm really not. I just do it to kind of casually flirt, but gross.
I will definitly not be doing that anymore. Or at least I will be aware of how hard core I am doing it.
The wallpaper around the mirrors was even more "fun" to watch. There were these little dots, almost like tiny leaves that created this pattern and staring into the wall, I completely fell into the picture. Just watching all the grainy patterns of the paper moving and shifting and the leaves flowing together like a school of fish in an ocean...whew. At one point I could feel myself falling so deep down into it, and then I pulled myself back I was kind of like, "whoah." Haha, I mean where are you going?
But I cannot explain the pure joy I was experiencing. I mean I was having *so* much fun. It was unlike any other thing, it was this pure high, this sensational pleasure, just....I don't know, happiness. For no reason at all. Part of it was just enjoying watching everything. Watching all the grids appear and just enjoying being able to see everything.
That experience in the bathroom...I knew I was being "weird" but there was no one there to see me. I could finally let myself "go" to the drug. And that's part of the fun, it's almost like a game, to see how far you allow yourself to go. That sense of losing control, and not knowing quite sure what will happen, but then pulling back to make sure you still have a grip on reality...it's hard to explain, but I was having a blast experiencing.
I knew I had been in the bathroom for a long time, but I wanted to share what I was experiencing as soon as I got back. Lol, I bursted through the door and was just like "wow, you guys have to go out there!" Haha, they just stared at me and asked me where I had been. Haha, I knew it was too bizarre to really explain, but I told them they should all go to the bathroom. La la la, oh well.
I drank another million bottles of water and went to the bathroom again later, but the effect must of worn off because I wasn't seeing the same kind of visuals. I still felt high, but I wasn't seeing grids or colors any more.
Eventually everyone left to go their own ways and it was just Jeff and I. Other than for the occasional "are you okay?" to someone in the room, or a joke cracked by Colin no one really said anything the whole five hours we were all hanging out. I wanted to know what other people were thinking/experiencing, but part of you holds back because you know it's not "normal" in a non-drugged state of mind.
Plus, while i knew all the guys in the room, I wouldn't really call any of them friends other than Jeff. So once they all left Jeff and I started talking like crazy. He said he kept on wanting to pull me into where he was, because it was so great, but he knew we were all in our own little places. We talked about the pull between reality and "letting go" and how you always wanted to go further but you really couldn't for fear of looking weird. So I explained my bathroom experience as best as I could.
It's scary. Because you don't ever want to lose control of yourself. Because at some level you always have control and where does that put you if you don't? That's part of the fun with alcohol and weed, it gives you a lighter sense of hazy control so you are more willing to do and say things that you wouldn't really without the effect. But having your body completely flooded with this amazing power that's beyond you...it's exciting and scary at the same time. It is similar to that point where you are so completely drunk you are on the brink of puking but you don't realize it yet.
Does that make sense? I don't drink a lot and I can only remember two times where I felt so "high" off alcohol that you just want to shout <"http://aglaia.diaryland.com/pcb.html">"I feel so great!" But that's pathetic, to be feeling that wonderful...and it's not even you. It's just a drug. It really is completely losing control. But on the other hand, who gives a fuck?
And to never experience any of that ever, I think you are missing out on something that life offers. I think it would be a huge mistake to spend your life "under the influence"--of anything, not just drugs, but to constantly be controlled, I don't think that's a good place to be. But, I can't deny that where I was last night, it was exhilerating, and I would definitly do it again.
Maybe not for a long, long time, but I would definitly like to do it again. The thing that's really scary, is you want to push yourself further. If you think alcohol is okay, weed is decent, E is a good time and shrooms were fantastic...you begin to wonder, then what are the other drugs like? And I don't really want to go there. I was okay with trying Shrooms from the beginning, and if offered I would do E again definitly, but anything else? No way.
I don't want to do anything that involves sniffing, injecting, etc. And the thought of flashbacks from acid or an uncontrollable thirst for the drug again...I don't even want to have to deal with that. Drugs like E, weed and shrooms I could see being "addictive" in the sense you like the way they make you feel so you want to keep taking them, but it's definitly a controllable feeling. I would want to save E for a special occasion, and I wouldn't want to do shrooms unless if I had a whole lot of time on my hands and I hadn't done it for many months.
So was it spiritual? Hmm, no I don't think I got that deep. I only took half of what a "normal" mushroom dose would be, so perhaps with a little more. You feel right on the brink of reality, and in your head, the oppposite of reality is God. I mean seeing everything as grids, and falling into them, it made everything seem meaningless in a way that everything we think is purposeless, but it was also full of meaning, because you were able to see so much more of what you see on an everyday basis.
And I know I was being weird in the bathroom, but all I can think was it would be so fantastic to do shrooms outside in a club or something. All those colors and people. I'm sure I would be pretty weird, but I don't know if that would bother me or not.
Also, I've heard you can have a bad trip on shrooms but I had a hard time seeing how that could happen. I mean, it all seemed pretty innocent really. For the most part I was just high and watching TV, when I stepped away from things and really began to enjoy what was happening all around me, I was allowed to "see" things from an altered viewpoint, but it was all very harmless. Things were not flying or talking to me or anything like that.
But maybe different doses and batches affect you differently. I would be curious to learn about other people's experiences. Please, leave me a message here.
I found this quote on a website today and I thought it summed it up pretty well: They [Shrooms] can dissolve the filter or 'ego' between you and the outside world, leaving you open to a flood of new feelings, sensations and thoughts - both positive and negative. It's not unusual to have insights about yourself, the universe, God, and death in this state.