24 January 2003

I�ve been reading the book Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand and it is amazing. If you have not read this book I recommend it to everyone. I don�t know if everyone will like it, or even appreciate it, but it�s absolutely beautiful. I am so�happy to have found a book that really awakens me.

It�s been a long time since I�ve read a book like this. Actually, just in general I find it�s hard to find time to read a pleasure book. With all the reading I have to do for school, picking up another book is the last thing I want to do when I want to escape from my studying.

That in itself has made it difficult to continue reading the book. I started it at the end of Christmas break when I had time, but with everything going on it is taking me longer than I�d like. Plus, I have to start reading another book for class so I can write a review on it, but I don�t want to be in the middle of two books, because I�ll let one slide�and I�d probably let the pleasure one go. Not now, of course; I�m too far into the book. Don�t let the length scare you away, it is all worth it and I am not even finished yet.

I remember talking with Jeff about reading, because he thinks it�s awful. I�ve always been a big reader. (If you have any personal recommendations please tell me here!) He has trouble actually getting into the story. I think when he reads he only sees the text, the layout, the structure, and is easily distracted. So of course, if I read a pleasure book as I did an article out of a journal, I would hate it! But that ability, to use my imagination, to see the story unfold, which each character, hearing their voices and seeing the places they are in�ahh, sometimes I forget that I used to be really creative.

I hate how school completely ruins children�s imaginations. I know it�s hard to teach�while keeping that sense of discovery and imagination, but it�s so important. My fifth grade teacher made it a priority to make everything fun and creative. He is one of the best teachers I have ever had. But school�god, it has ruined so much in me. I wanted to be an artist, a poet--an actress is my past! I wrote so often, for myself�stories, and books of poetry, I lived on it. I haven�t written a poem...in so long, it�s kind of sad. It used to be an amazing way for me to express myself. I love words.

But back to Atlas Shrugged...it�s been very enjoyable to read it and be apart of. To find myself sitting throughout my day, having passages creep into my mind�as if I were there, or some how a part of it. That the story has become a part of my memory.

It made me cry today.

I was so completely engulfed into the story that I had to turn down my music in my room because I couldn�t �hear� some of the characters speaking during an important scene. Although I know music is distracting for some people while they read, I find it distracting to not have music playing, but at that moment it was like I just wanted the world to silence so I could sit back and fall into the story. I was trying to read so fast to know what would come next that I kept on stumbling over the words.

Of course it has me thinking of Bryan. But I knew it would. And I knew that was in part why I picked up Rand�s book. I was looking for something spiritually satisfying, and anything he touched was and is that. Rand is apart of him. He is the person Rand describes. That amazing character that is impervious to the world�s�tiring ways. I don�t know, it�s hard to describe. It seems we all do things to be a part of this system, often don�t question it, or if we do, we don�t know how to not act as we�re supposed to, just because�it�s too hard to do anything else. Well I know Bryan was human and was affected by the world, but he did a pretty good job of ignoring it at times as well. But I think I would enjoy the book with or without having known him.

I wish I could discuss it with him though.

If I were to ever randomly run into him, as I fantasize I may someday, I�ll think it was God that made it happen. I will probably never see Bryan again, and it�ll be fine if I never do. I�m sure if I would it would shatter some perfect image I have of him, and I almost would rather live with the fantasy than reality, but�at the same time, to be with him...to have him affect me�as he did before, it would be wonderful. I want to tell him about Jeff, I would to tell him everything.

In this book, the main character, Dagny, it�s almost as if I understand her sense of physical attraction. I mean, what makes her want someone in a sexual way, to experience that overwhelming...respect�appreciation? I don�t know, but to see these qualities in another person, it�s that, which is appealing. I never felt�attracted to Bryan in a sexual way, but somehow he�I don�t know, I wanted him, I wanted him so badly, because I wanted to�I don�t know, I mean he was complete poetry to me.

But I am very curious to see how the book will end. And I can�t wait to read more of Rand�s books. I thought The Fountainhead was good, but I never really considered reading more of her books. And now, with Atlas Shrugged�it�s probably one of the best books I�ve ever read. I�m curious, though, to know why Bryan had me read The Fountainhead over Atlas Shrugged. I wonder if I wasn�t ready for it then.

We did really well in recruitment. The cap is 25 women, and we got all 25. It�s good and bad. Financially, we need the members. We have a lot of women graduating, so to keep the house running we needed to take in a lot of new members, and hopefully a lot of them will want to live in the house, because that is where my sorority is hurting the most. But, on the other hand, when you take in a pledge class that is that big, it can really change the complexion of the house. I remember some of the seniors being a little resentful of my pledge class because we had like 38 girls or something (no cap then!). I don�t think they liked how the house changed. It�s hard, because since I am a senior, it�s hard to know how much you want to invest in the house at this point. It doesn�t really matter what I do, because I�m not going to be around to see anything. I want the new members to know me, but at the same time, is it worth the time investment to get to know 25 girls when I�m inactive for the quarter (don�t pay dues, but also don�t attend any of the functions we put on), and I�ll be graduating in June?

I used to hate how seniors disappeared. I did not respect them, because I didn�t realize what they had already done for the house. I didn�t understand why they didn�t care, or why they didn�t come to anything. Now I know. I feel really�out of place there. It�s not my house anymore. I can�t imagine how some of the other seniors feel because I was the new member educator, so I at least had weekly contact with all of the new members we have taken into the house over the last year. Actually, I feel more comfortable with �new members� from last year then I do with girls in the pledge class below me.

Part of me, wants to urge everyone to improve our house, especially the woman who took over my position. I began something, and it�s up to her to improve upon it. I fear she�ll just do exactly what I did, and while that�s a nice start (I started with nothing to go on!), there is so much more one can do. I feel bad because she was my assistant last year, but I don�t have much faith in what she�s going to do with the program. It really needs to be headed by someone fresh, and innovative (as all teachers should be!) and I never saw her come up with one idea while we were working with the new girls.

Okay, I have a million more things to say but this is turning into a book. Bye!

A year ago I was spiritually frustrated just as I am now. :(