9 October 2000

Queasy.

I remember when I liked this little boy named Ryan in middleschool. I eventually asked him to dance...and like any middleschool dance, the next day you had a boyfriend. I remember I felt queasy in the morning before going to class.

I couldn't eat breakfast.

I remember I was queasy at lunch when I would sit with him.

I couldn't eat lunch.

Sometimes you want to be so perfect, or so wonderful, or you just simply like someone so much that your mind is wrapped up in the other person, and in turn...you find yourself queasy.

I don't think I've felt queasy over a guy since then. Maybe when Tony tried to kiss me in 10th grade. (I guess I didn't like kissing?) I felt queasy then. ;)

I've felt queasy from the moment I woke up and realized that Jeff and I got in a fight. I couldn't eat my cereal for my breakfast. I never did eat lunch. I picked around at my mother's homecooked meal when I went home that night.

The next day I couldn't get down a donut for Fuzzie Football. My Wendy's for lunch was left half-eaten. I couldn't even get a bite down of my stromboli I ordered for dinner, or the candy that I usualy enhale that sits beside me in the room.

I'd say I felt hungry...but I just feel that queasiness.

After I called Jeff on Saturday..in the afternoon, and realized he was still really mad at me (really, it didn't surprise me after seeing the intensity of his anger the night before--drunk or not drunk it was still "woah".) So I ended up going home and my mother's advice was I couldn't call him, that I had to wait for him. I originally told him on the phone I was going to call him that night (or at least he told me "maybe I could" whatever that means, when I asked him.) She rationalized that I've said my part, the more I apologize the more he's going to feel like he has a reason to be mad.

By Sunday morning, my mind is sort of on other things, and when it does drift back to Jeff (okay, it was mostly on him...) by this point, I've played out conversations and dialogues with him so many times, I feel like they have been said and the whole "dilemma" was over.

I understand from his point of view it probably looked like something else. But seriously, it wasn't anything. It was me dancing. Nothing else. Didn't know the guy, didn't like the guy...it wasn't even like some cute guy that I saw and started dancing with him or anything like that. I just was dancing with my sisters and he started dancing with me. Totally innocent. Maybe I shouldn't have been dancing. Maybe I shouldn't have been dancing with him as long as I was. My only plea for longevity (sp?) was that I was drunk. It's not a very good excuse, and I know that. But I still don't feel like I was doing anything wrong. I wasn't doing anything wrong. It all just got handled the wrong way.

By Sunday night I just want to hang out with him. I want to tell him about my day, and about life. The whole ordeal is so far away...with my memory the whole night is turning into a blur. But as the night (last night, sunday) gets later, I start turning sick to my stomach again. I know my mom told me not to call him, and so I didn't again on Saturday, which I think was a good idea. I figured he wouldn't call me on Sunday, and I would just have to call him on Monday.

But as I'm getting sicker and sicker thinking about him, all I want to do is see and talk to him. Half the girls are telling me to just go ahead and call him (I'm certaintly not getting homework done...) other say keep waiting (don't want to call him if he hasn't had enough time to cool off.) I don't want to call him unless if I can potentially go over and see him (if he would want/allow me to). And I didn't want to do that...until I had my homework done.

Finally at 10:45-11:00 at night I decided I just had to call him. And by that point I just wanted to talk to him, even if I couldn't see him. So I'm walking down the stairs of our house, trying to find a spot of privacy when the phone rings.

It's him.

So I answer it and we start in on the "what's up's..." and such. I end up moving to my hallway because the phone started to channel surf from being too far away from the base. ;)

But the weird thing was: we talked like nothing was wrong between us.

We even joked. We laughed. We talked like we always would. There would be minor pauses and I think the whole fight had to be heavily on both of our minds, but neither of us said a thing about it. I felt like...I didn't want to bring it up, because he was actually talking to me.

After I hung up, I knew the next time I saw him I would have to bring it up. I can't just let something disappear out of no where. You can't bury a problem, because it's likely to show up again. It felt so middle school girl fight. Like where Holly wouldn't talk to me for two days then she'd call and ask me to go to the movies with her gushing about her life or what not. And I'd be on the phone all dazed like "I thought you were mad at me...." But whatever. But with Holly or other "girl fight" I've ever gotten into it was either resolved immediately, or like the "holly scenario" it was never worth fighting about, so it wasn't worth bringing up again.

But Jeff and I....or Jeff's anger...that is worth resolving with some finality. Because I was at the point (in my mind) that I was laughing about the night before. If I could make him comfortable enough that it wasn't anything, I would like to think that one day we could both laugh about it.

It's called Trust.

But my sisters and I still agreed that the whole phone call manner was really bizzare.

I all of a sudden was busting out the stromboli and nibbling at its sides.

It did feel better, to just be able to talk with him. It had only been a few days since seeing him, but I missed him.

But then, today as I'm walking back from class I pass him and josh on the sidewalk. I look directly into both of their faces...I'm only assuming they saw me as well. But as I said, "heeey, what's up?" and began to slow down....they continued to keep walking forward. It felt like from my position, that Jeff looked at me, then looked back forward. Now I know I could totally be insane or something, but it's like....

Even if they didn't see me....you would have thought they would have *heard* me. I mean, I wasn't walking beside anyone...and no one was behind them or me.

It's true Jeff is known to go into his own little world while walking ;) Heidi I guess has said hi to him on campus a couple of times and he always looks dazed when she says something to him. But it wasn't just Jeff...Josh was there too. And Josh spoke to me at Fuzzie football...so it's not like he's ignoring me too ;)

Haha, it's like some "new info" on me has come about since last night when we talked and today when he saw me on the sidewalk. All I can think is, "that Josh kid hates me, somehow he did something!"

Lol, but I doubt that's it. I'm just going to have to assume even though it's like no-way-could-that-have-happened that they didn't see me.....they really must not have. Sure, it's a sidewalk that's only big enough for two, so i had to basically "off road" it to move around them, but yeah...they didn't see me.

I don't know, the whole...thing (has got me queasy again? ;) I don't know it was too weird last night on the phone. But I guess I was just hoping that...I mean, I didn't expect such a dramatic turn-around, but I felt like, even though we didn't talk about it, last night was just a step forward in trying to be more comfortable around each other. And that the next time we talked or the next time we saw each other, we'd sit down, and maybe get some more off our chest about the night or what not (I know I have SO many things to say!). And then we'd try to work it out from there.

And slowly, we'd eventually be able to be ourselves, and hopefully trust each other (uh, haha, me not to dance with guys, and him not to freak out on me!).

But last night was too weird, and the "incident" today was too weird. It's got me all twisted up and angry. First of all I don't like dedicating this much "ugh" inside of me over a guy. I mean I don't really think my life was totally derailed by the event, but it's still making it's impact. (I like to eat ;) Trouble concentrating on homework, worried and uninterested in going out... I mean it's not at some extreme or as dramatic as it could be, but still.

I know I can't just fix it and be done with it, because life doesn't very often work out like that, but I can't feel like this...this helplessness or confusion. I mean, maybe it's because I have no experience with being in a fight, I don't know how to act or respond.

Maybe it's because I feel like the whole night was just some big misunderstanding, so I can't....justify even having the fight in my mind.

Maybe I just feel so weird, God,with having affected someone like that, to be the source of someone's passionate anger, I just feel so twilight zoneish I don't know what to do with myself. I've lead a quiet life. People don't talk about me, I'm not involved in gossip, I don't do anything, people don't get mad at me, I don't get mad at people. It's just, that's how it's always been.

When you fight really hard with your family you just know it's going to be better. Or at least that's how I always feel. No matter how much I hurt someone, or I feel like they've wronged me (and how can this not happen in a family?) you know in your heart that it'll be resolved, it'll be okay. I feel the same way about Jeff. Like, I think it'll be okay.

But I wish I could just sit him down and make him understand. I wish I hadn't been so drunk and been crying the way I had. I wish he hadn't reacted like that. I guess I wish a lot. I don't know.

I have to talk to him tonight; in person.