Ah, friendless in the city. It would be easier if I was living with a girlfriend only because going out to bars and meeting people becomes something of an exciting outing full of potential. You can enjoy the night sans boy by simply bonding, talking about the other girls, and pointing out the attractive boys. You can meet just about anyone and because you're on the market you will pretty much talk to anyone.

Now, with a boyfriend, bars have become less and less appetizing. Never one the drinker the bar was less about drinking and more about finding someone to entertain me or finding someone attractive to talk to. What excited me was meeting new people. So if it's just me and Jeff....I figure why go out at all?

But, I do like to eat and so I've always enjoyed going to restaurants. I like progressive house music so a nice loungy bar where I drink my preferred cocktail and not feel silly for doing so (aka a "beer place") while enjoying music and maybe even dancing is much more my thing.

Any of you chicagoland people know of any nice loungy bars that I could go to?

Jeff and I went to Windsor this weekend. It was part of a FAM trip (i.e. Come FAMilarize yourself with our wonderful place and bring your meeting/event to our venue!) that I had learned about through MPI. I was surprised they actually agreed to let me go as I have since become unemployed. It was a learning experience.

Both Jeff and I were absolutely the youngest and most inexperienced people there. Both inappropriately dressed. It amazes me how Jeff's professionalism is...well, lacking. Not that you should feel obligated to become a different person when speaking with various audiences but I think you need to be more aware of your presence, words and actions.

I sit up straight, smile more, become ultra aware of the conversation to be a little more engaging, zone in on what my hands are doing, how my body is angled. It sounds like more work than it is, but it's just recognizing that you have everything against you because of your age and I want to present my best face forward. I want to be respected and taken seriously.

Jeff is slouched, talking too loudly, laughing about his "buddies" and exclaiming how something is "awesome." Admittedly, this makes him sound a little rough around the corners and he's not that bad really, but I was cringing a bit around the dinner table.

Overall, I enjoyed the event and I liked the city. It was nice to be wined and dined and finally see a perk come of this job! Open bar, great dinner, fine wine, a Cirque show, in-room amenities all comped by the host. Not too bad. :-)

One of his friends and girlfriend drove up and joined us later on in the evening on Saturday. I don't think I'm incapable of socializing but I don't find most people all that interesting. And idle chit-chat makes me feel like my entire life is just wasting away, which is why many people would probably call me quiet. Which is correct. I would rather sit back and let my mind wander or try to find some "happy" place while others hold boring conversations. I don't think I'm an elitist, I don't think I'm better than other people, I just am bored easily when with others.

I can entertain myself pretty well on my own and perhaps in the company in others people think I'm awfully boring too! Some people open me up and other people shut me down. It's not necessarily a particular personality type it's just something that clicks and I would imagine most people are like that.

So, I hope I can find someone to click with.

I'm so directions-challenged that I am *extremely* pleased whenever I manage my way to somewhere new in the city. Today I rode the "El" down through the loop, transfered to a subway and made my way to Michigan avenue to return something for Jeff. I am trying my hardest not to do any "fun" shopping until I get a job. I'm getting my spend on in other ways through grocery, target, etc. to set-up house but waiting for the clothes until I have an actual income.

I really don't have any "going out" clothes and could use the pick-me up but I'm going to hold out as long as I can. I'm hoping my 'rents will buy me a trip to the hair salon for my birthday b/c I really need to go, but that was easily close to $200 (w/ tip) back in my hometown and I'm frightened to see what it will be like in Chicago.

So I went to H&M to return something of Jeff's and was disappointed that I didn't even see anything I wanted in the store. I'm a little (ahem, a lot) picky when it comes to clothes. I dress very simply with clean, flattering cuts. You wouldn't think that would be so hard to find but it is. So many clothes are just ugly. I probably wear way too many solids (okay, I probably have like 3 tops that have any print/design in them) but I prefer a more classic look. I'll probably buy 1-2 trendy items a season but overall I tend to stick to things that I know my body looks good in and in colors that I favor.

So, the good news is that I didn't spend any money ;) Unless if you count the "street person" I gave $2.00 to. It was probably a scam, but a young girl (looked 18-20) claimed to have been stranded when her purse was stolen and was looking for money to get by until her friend could drive and pick her up (from a west coast state). If this girl didn't look so depleted and bummed out on that street I probably wouldn't have stopped. And if she's just looking for easy money...well, hell, good for you, you got my 2 bucks.

Somehow I could *not* find the red line off of Michigan even though I only walked a short while to get to H&M off the stop. So I wandered for probably 30 minutes before stumbling across a stop (not the one I was looking for, but hey). I managed to get on the right train in the right direction, again make a transfer to get back on the brown heading back downtown so I could get the stop near my place and all worked out.

Jeff and I are....well, let's just say that even after not having seen him for two weeks while I was wrapping up things in my old job I still didn't have any desire to have sex with him when I finally showed up. I kind of thought we'd have "break the house in" sex but that desire never materialized. We have since had three pretty awful encounters that were basically him forcing himself into me while I tried to will my body to have any interest.

This sucks. I'm sure the state of our relationship contributes to this dull and non-existent sex life, but I still feel like there's something wrong with me physically. If I could take a pill or add/take-out something in my diet to make me feel more sexual I would definitly do it. I mean, I used to think I was sexual...even if not with Jeff, then at least in my head. Sex is so far out of my mind it's a bit disappointing.

I used to like sex and the idea of being passionate and sexual and now the whole thing is a chore. A sigh, not with excitement but in the utter bummer of having to do it when he drags my hand down to his dick when we're spooning. I just don't feel like it.

Ok?

And really, as much as I blame all this on myself (and I'll take a share of it) he still doesn't get it even when I spell it out to him. Yes, the physical "prep" to sex is great and all and probably needed in some fashion but what I really need is your undivided attention and care. Our time can't be half-dedicated, all touch and no words. Our regular interaction needs to be doting not annoyed or with frustration.

By the time bedtime rolls around I want to do just that...roll over and sleep. Kissing him feels so dead and try-hard why even bother? I can tell in my own behavior I'm not really making things better and then I'm back to that old question...why don't I care and what will it take to make me care?

I think what I need is mutual work towards something better. When we last talked and I was obviously not happy about things...I just couldn't believe that he was. I know I'm not giving him what he wants/needs so what in his head makes him value 'us' so much? It's not that I don't value our relationship. It is still a core and am important part of me and who I/we are. He is still a good friend, a best friend and from that friendship I get a lot out of us.

The thought of him with other girls also does not thrill me. But I don't really know what to do to make us better. I want him to pay attention to me. To really look at me and value me. My mind needs to be opened if he expects the other parts of my body to. I want us to have other activities we can share in that feel mutually desired.

Going out to bars isn't my idea of a good time. I can't get him to go to the gym with me. He has absolutely no interest in finding a charity or any other volunteering activity in the city. I try to get him to do "joiner" things and he either whines and drags his feet or simply refuses.

I find myself being more and more less inclined to want to do anything sexual with him because I'm disappointed with the other aspects of our relationship. I know I'm crazy...I don't regret us living together, or moving together (ha, yet) and there is still some vague hope in my mind that somehow this can work.

But, it's not really. Not yet. And with my mind so negative.....it makes it that much harder to think about the positive. I just want someone to swoop in, wave a magic wand and things will be better.