I have decided that I'm going to write in this diary at least once a week--and hopefully more. I can't afford to lose any more of this documentation of my life ;) My memory is too poor, and every entry is a wonderful look into my inner thoughts and feelings of a particular space and time that i can no longer reach.

This needs to be more important to me. Because it's not that there has been nothing to report...but that I have been too lazy, or too busy or too something, to get on and write.

And it's through writing that I self-discover.

What's been happening? Well, all you car folk, I've found a 1998 Plymouth Neon, black, four dour, 64K miles, for $5995. If you know something about plymouth neons that I don't know...email me fast, cuz I think I'm gonna buy it.

I read somewhere that it's a "risk." So I know I should listen to consumer reports, but on the otherhand, it fits everything I want. In a perfect world I'm looking for a 1996 (or better), four door, drk colored (or white or silver), under 75k miles, and 6000-8000 dollar car. My little Neon is a fantastic find. It's cute and tiny, but still has a reasonable sized trunk, and it is after all a four dour, and roomy. It looks pretty, seems clean, and i'd probably get a three month/1000K warrenty on it.

...of course, it could have been sold by now. I probably won't even get to go out looking for cars again until next Saturday (not this one coming up)--oh wait, maybe not the next one either....

This weekend I'm going to Washington D.C.. Hopefully I get to hang with my sister and evaluate the new man in her life. :) If all goes well, Billy and his girlfriend will hook up with us Saturday...and if I'm really lucky, my sorority sis Sarah will find a way to hang with us too. Jeff's really pumped about the whole trip--probably cuz he's going to get to go to this Deep Dish record store in Georgetown. I'm kind of whatever about it.

As the only underaged person of everyone we know there, it really limits everything we can do. Sure we can just stay inside someone's house, but you feel like you should go out and "see the town" if you're gonna be there. Being under means I can't even get in to a lot of places. I'm not really bothered that I can't drink, but just being completely banned from a place really sucks. :)

Last night I went out to eat with Jeff at my old restaurant. Happy to see some old servers still there, makes the place seem comfy. Jeff told me to order an alcoholic drink...so i did...of course the server asked me if I was 21...er, yeah, i told him.

Bleh, I did not like doing that. I'm just glad he didn't ask me for my I.D. After dinner we went back to Jeff's place, and called a bunch of his buddies over to drink. We were doing liquor tonight instead of the usual beer thing. I kept to my rum and coke, while others branched out into other things. Played a lot of Mario Cart (the boys beat me everytime ;) and this drinking/card game called "hockey". My partner and I did win that--it's not much of a "thinking" game though.

After a few of the kids had left and it was just me, two buddies, and jeff, talk turned to reminescing (sp?) which i stuck it out for--for awhile. After a bit, I decided I might as well go. As I stood up to get my shoes, Jeff got the cutest "don't go!" look, and asked me why I was going. I told him, I'd just let them "boy talk" or whatever it was they were doing ;) and I'd see him later. But he tells me I should stay and do a few shots of rum with him.

So we go upstairs, and he's setting up shots, and all of a sudden we're both really horny, and i'm going down on him, right there in the kitchen. We're up there for a long time, kissing and setting up shots (lemons, sugar, etc.) and finally his friends leave, and we're up there still talking.

I have *no* idea how the conversation got into having kids, but it did. So he's saying he doesn't really want them--or at least, he wants to enjoy life and go places and really get into his career before he'd want to think about having kids. So I'm drunk, and jokingly begging him, that he has to have kids, that he does want kids...because I do.

And, oh god, I might have even said, but I want you to have my kids, or you're going to have my kids...or any other equally horrible varient.

And we keep talking, and I'm trying to stumble around, and pull my foot out of my mouth. And he's just like "woah..that's pretty serious." Lol, er, sorry.

So I'm trying to explain my position, although probably talking about it more wasn't helping. I was just saying how, you know, don't be freaked out, because it (I just kept on saying "it", instead of children/or marriage) was the farthest thing from my mind...i'm only twenty I don't want kids or *that* right now, but in the back of my head it is something you think about (possibly, just as a girl-kind? we do.)...and that if he really didn't want kids it would be something I would have to think about.

And that's pretty much how it ended, with him just saying yeah I know... I feel like I know him really well and he won't take it to heart, and get really scared by the fact that I *am* thinking about marriage. I mean yes, i'm in love with this guy, and we passed that one year mark, in this critical time of "hook up" crazy college years and we're still going strong...i can't help but wonder if this is the guy I'm going to end up with--for good! And yeah, that scares the hell out of *me* but at the same time, there are questions you should be able to answer before you even consider marriage, and i think the desire to have kids is a big one.

I'm pretty clueless as to what I want to do with my life...and often i wonder if having kids is what I would excell at. And I'm the same way, in that I want to travel and do things before I have kids...but there's no doubt in my mind that I want them...eventually. So I feel pretty horrified with the conversation now, because even though it may all be true...with two years of college left, and we're both really young...and have only been together for a year---there's no need to be throwing words like marriage out there.

Whether you're in love or not, thinking about being with one person for the rest of your life, *is* really scary. Because who knows how things will be down the road.

So after the convo, jeff decides to take a few more shots without me.... we run downstairs, stripping as we go, climb into bed, and jeff not a minute later is crawling out, and running upstairs--mind you butt naked, to the bathroom. I think I fall asleep, and later wake up an hour or so later, and go upstairs to find him.

Bless his heart....if i hadn't been so worried about him, I would have been laughing so hard. This boy was in the bathroom, laying **up** on the sink (it's a double sink counter) in fetus position, mouth hanging over the sink, and lol, still naked. He was barely on the sink--he's 6'2" and too adorable, all smashed up on there. That's a new one for me...I've fallen asleep with my head on the toilet before, but I don't think i've ever gone the sink route, like that before!!

So I wake him up, tell him I think we should move him to the couch, that I have a bag for him if he spits up again, and I brought his boxers...

Finally I get him to agree and we move out of the bathroom, and down to his bedroom. He crawls into bed and is just like, "I'm sorry...I wanted to kiss you...I want to kiss you..." So I rub his back for awhile, to make sure he's okay, then I go.

Poor guy.