3 July 2000

How did it turn July so quickly. The 2000 is over half way over, and we're hitting july and, and....I was spending my last night in Las Vegas July 3 of last year. I believe my family was watching a "pay-per-view" movie. (My dad being the typical...goes to bed by-10pm-no-later-every-night, just couldn't manage to stay up and spend some time with the mom would wanted to go down and play in the rooms.) Oh well.

I feel very...low key, very blah, and kind of borderline funkish. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think it's PMS, and it probably is, I just feel so...well, that way. I'm kicking myself, because Angie (spring break Chris' friend) said they were going down to drink and listen to guitar boy play/practice, and I really wanted to go. So she told me she would call me later on today. So it's about 7:00 and holly calls, and she wants to go see a movie. (Well....)

Now that I'm getting pretty used to people not calling me (ahem, kathryn--but more on that later.) and because Angie has done it before, concerning a visit to the greenhouse (where they play)...AND because if they're going, I figured not until late, I didn't know what to do. I *did* want to go hear him play, and because she would be driving, it would be even better, but what if she didn't call, what if, what if, and I wanted to see a movie as well. I decided to go see a movie and hope that Angie would call when I got home, later.

*As* I'm walking out the door with Holls, Angie calls. (Sigh.) She's leaving "in a bit" and wanted to come get me. That sucks so bad. I'm stuck, so I tell her to give me his address and maybe I would catch up with her later. (I'm off to the movies with holls.) And it's okay, because it's not really a big deal, and if I'm ever meant to see guitar boy play again, or any of them, I will, but these conditions were great (it was early too, so I wouldn't have to worry about curfew coming on so fast, so going then would have been perfect.) It was just the gang, not a bunch of people I didn't know, also good, and....yeah. Well, I missed it. Went to the movie with holls, and just came home. Too much of a hassle to worry about holly who would probably act like a ditz, bore of the guitar playing, wouldn't drink (and I couldn't drink either because it would turn her off--fine, I understand) AND if there was any pot smoking, I don't want her freaking out.

I need some new friends, may I repeat again?

I mean, that's fine (actually great!) she doesn't do any of that, but she should be able to deal with people doing it around her. I also shouldn't have to feel confined or worried about her if I would want to drink or what not. And it's not even saying I would. But I guess it doesn't matter. It's just hard, because I can't really invite myself over there...and if I keep saying "no" everytime they ask (it's been a couple of times now) they're going to stop asking, you know what I mean? It just sucks, really bad. I haven't seen them since late April. It's going to get to a point, where it's just too weird to "hang out" for the first time again.

As for my lastentry well...I decided to scratch on hearing guitar boy (his name is Jeff as well, so really, by saying "guitar boy" I erase all confusion as to who I am talking about ;)--because, I didn't want to drive up there by myself, I also wanted to see Jeff (my boy ;).

I decided to go out to eat with Jeff, because he called me around 7. (Kat wasn't supposed to call me until 9.) We went to some italian place. Reminded me exactly of a place I ate at in San Francisco (also a stop on last year's summer trip ;). Jeff and I are pretty cute, cuz I know almost everything on that menu we (both) wouldn't eat (being so picky and all). By coincidence we decided at the same time, to get the same dish. By the time we were finished, we had both eaten the noodles and chicken and all the "other stuff" was pushed to the side on our plate. There's something so cute about being able to relate to a picky (GUY) eater--guys usually eat everything!! ;)

After dinner, he was going to hang out with friends (party at his old apartment). I wanted to go, but had to decline (didn't want to snub K, so I went home.) I still figured Kathryn would not call. I just...I mean, a late afternoon wedding, then a reception--she's *IN* the wedding, so it's not like she's going to leave after an hour or so, and also, weddings wipe you out, so all that adding up.... BUT, I did think that maybe she would call me around 9:30 to tell me that she was still caught up, and was sorry we couldn't get to see each other. But 9 came, 10 came, and finally 11 rolled around, and I was still sitting around and waiting for her call. So at 11:15, I decide to call her.

Her dad answers. I'm sorry he says, Kathryn is in bed, you won't get to see her this time.

WHat?! How weird is that? I just don't understand. I mean, Kathryn makes it this whole big deal on the phone that she really wants to see me and what not. But first, to not call, and then to just go to bed not letting me know or anything? So that was that. I still haven't heard from her. I don't know, maybe an email apologizing or something( would be nice(?) So that was Kat, I mean it's just so weird, that she wouldn't call. Your best friend is home for a couple of days from FL for the whole summer, and you don't even see her?

Truthfully, I wasn't upset I didn't get to see her. I was fine when we got to talk over the phone a day or so before. But it was more just the fact that she didn't even call me when she told me we would. I mean--to go to bed like that! I wonder how long she was home, what happened, what was going on in her mind. Did she really just forget? And even that...I guess I understand, she was in a wedding, really busy, just....I don't know, it all just seems kind of wrong.

So I call Jeff. I go up to his apartment. I get there, and Jeff is like "in the back" and I shouldn't go back says the others. Um, okay. La la la. So I stand around with a bunch of guys at a keg outside. I "sort" of know one guy. Okay, not at all, but I did meet him previously, so he was my only connection. Inside there was a couple on the couch--just hanging over each other, not getting fruity, but I wasn't about to sit on the couch beside them, ya know? So, yeah, I feel kind of stupid, just outside, standing on the stairs, trying not to feel so obvious that no one knows me and I'm the only girl out there as they share guy jokes.

At some point, (the boy I know) Dan looks up, and asks me if I want him to go find Jeff. I guess.

He opens the door to the apartment, and the room is filled with people (now where were they?) Jeff included. I wander into the room, just standing there (everyone is sitting down). I don't know, he asks me if I want something to drink, and gets me a mug. I don't really want the keg though, cuz I heard it was warm. Another girl "jackie" (the one from the "couple") told me I could have one of her bud light bottles from the fridge. Thank you.

I drink that, sort of wander out and in from the porch and inside. I don't know what to do with myself. Eventually, I get a seat on the couch inside, and just kind of be. Everyone is sort of involved in themselves, so there's no one I can break into conversation with. (I have no problem, meeting new people, or starting up a chat, but I don't really know what to do if everyone is already talking to one another--it's hard to break that!)

I sit there. A guy comes up to jeff wraps his arm around him and starts singing to him. Okay. The "male" from the couple mentioned earlier, is on the couch across from me and motions me to come over and sit by him. Okay? I can't remember if his name is Steve or Mike. Or maybe it was neither of those. Not drunk, just bad memory. We sit there and talk. He's very nice.

I wanted to burst out laughing. He told me...he loves pottery. Wishes he could just make pots all day long. There's nothing wrong with that. Infact, I enjoy that he is "creator". This guy just doesn't look like a guy who would want to do that. Evne more surprisingly his actual major is "physics". How straight up "smart guy" is that? I adored it. I believe we passed the usual chat about how we knew so and so, where we came from, majors and sports. (He's also on scholarship for basketball--nice, hitting some of aglaia's guy points.)

Jeff is playing cards with a bunch of peeps in the kitchen. Okay. "Mike"/whoever goes to the bathroom, and abandons me to a lonely sitting room. I don't know if I should go stand outside or what. But I decide to just sit there and sip my beer. Fuck it, I don't care. Jeff comes over and sits with me, I don't know what we talk about. He apologizes for the crappy keg, I believe. Asks me for a ride home, I tell him, whenever he wants to go is fine with me.

Jackie from earlier, is not looking so good. (Too many beer bongs, I think.) "Mike" is worried though, because she drove her own car, and he didn't want her driving. (Good call.) They decide to have Jeff drive her car, while Mike drove Jackie to her place. I asked Jeff if we could still hang out. (Definitly.) I followed them to Jackie's house, then took Jeff to his home.

We're down in his room watching tv, while I'm hanging out in his closet. Lol, it's this huge walk-in! I think he has like twice as much clothes as me, it's pretty funny. We're back on the couch cuddling. (shudder, hate that word :) He puts the futon down and we start getting heavy. (That was fast. It usually takes us a couple hours to warm up, haha.). We're all over each other. (Get a condom, he asks?) Well, I'm on the pill so just.... Alright, and he does. (Hello exposure to having sex with everyone he's ever been. Going on faith and trust here.)

Ouch. Maybe I was wrong--sex still hurts. It was very....loving though. We were really...this sounds cheesy but connecting. I just mean, it was good in a sense, that we were following each other, not just "hey lets fuck". We were doing this thing, with me on top, where he would go so deep inside of me. I like being able to look down on him. I like watching him. I wonder what he's experiencing/feeling, and what I look like.

It didn't feel any different without a condom on. I don't even know if he came or not. I feel so naive. Can he keep going after coming? Does he still stay hard? Wouldn't I feel it if he did? I think all I could think about was the burning, I was feeling. I wonder if I need to use lub. and all would be good. Maybe something to consider. It was still good though.

Sex is fun. I want to be able to find a point of security that we could talk openly about our sex and what not. We've formed a sexual intimacy and I'm interested in trying to form something like that with him on a mental level. I'd like to think that's possible with any person, with some effort not just the openly vocal and aware people like Chris or Byran. Jeff and I seem to be clicking on a lot of levels, I want to find something consistant other than just a guy I make out with or sleep with. (I mean, I think we already do have more than that, but I could see how it could very easily turn into something like that...)

Side note though....about the birth control. I was on the pill for a month, I was using my sister's "sample" pack. It's all [finished] now, though. I asked my mother about getting an actual appointment with the gyno. and getting on the pill, but she seems to be lollylagging (if that's a word ;) and hasn't done it yet. Now I'm on my period. I don't want to be caught not on it. I hope I have the self-control to either say no, or ask him to put on a condom if we find ourselves in that position again anytime soon.

I think I've shown myself in the past, I don't have much self-control. ;) Haha, I feel like a guy. No matter how much the whole night/time I'm like "okay, I'll only let it go this far" but once you've got me warmed up, I'm likely to let you do anything. (Which is especially dangerous now that I'm not a virgin anymore!) I think I'll still control that though. I like the idea of...."self magazine's" recommended 10 dates before sex. (I can't believe I'm actually taking advince from one of those magazines, haha) No but, I think it's a start. Self-control, self-respect, and also you should know and like and trust the guy before you are ready to make that step. I don't know if you can get all that after only 10 dates. But surely, you'll have a better feel for the person opposed to...the first or second date or what not.

Fourth of July (12:22). Happy independence day. Remember what we stand for. god bless USA :)