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Jeff is annoyed by me; attacks on america

14 September 2001

Ah PMS. As I popped out the second to last pill out of my birth control tablet I realized I should be PMSing. But wasn't. Or was I? Or have I been?

I don't mean to use PMS as an excuse, but sometimes, you don't even realize you're acting differently (cuz it just feels natural) until you point it out. So I looked back on the past couple of days to see if I had been exceptionally sensitive or what not, and decided I really hadn't been.

That's great! But all of a sudden...I do feel it. Or maybe it's just the normal pangs of young relationship love.


Jeff and I have been rather unexciting lately. There's nothing wrong with that. If anything, we've been having a lot more sex...and that's always good ;) I know, once school starts back up there'll be a lot to talk about, and a lot more going on and affecting us.

So Jeff has finally moved into his new house on campus. This place is so amazing, and huge! And he's only paying 300 for it. He's sharing it with nine other guys, but even with so many people, this place still has plenty of room. I'm jealous. I hope I can find a place this great to live in next year! So he tells me he's going out to party tonight. And I tell him I would like to go with him (this is at work.)

He calls me a few minutes ago, and says him and the guys (he lives with) are going to a party. That's all great and all, but [1] I don't really care for house parties too much and [2] I feel awkward crashing someone's party (especially since school hasn't started, and it may be a more smaller, personable group who all knows each other. Finally, it's a girl who is throwing the party, and ladies we all know how bitchy we can be, and i can just see some girl and all of her friends complaining about some girl they don't know being in their house and drinking their beer. Ahem, that girl would then be me they're talking about.

So...I tell him, that I'd pass and just go have fun. I didn't mean to pull any guilt strings by throwing that out there--if anything, I think it's about time Jeff can escape from coupledom and just go drink like he wants. I know Jeff likes being with me everyday, or he wouldn't do it, but even when we do drink together, I never drink much...or if I actually drink enough to feel it, I just want to go to sleep. Even this, I don't think bothers him (too much ;) but he does like to drink, and we never really get to that point of drunk crazines. So he tells me he'll just do something with me if I want (after pretty much being annoyed that I won't go to a house party because a girl is throwing it ;).

I tell him, no, it's okay I'll just pack and hang out for the night. So then he tells me that some of his HS friends are also hanging out and drinking--not a party but he'd still get to drink. So (and this is where the PMS hits) I just feel....blah, all of a sudden. I'm not even sure if I want to drink anyway. And sitting around with HS buddies can be just as boring as a house party. I don't know if I really feel like going, and then sitting there wanting to leave the whole time, and being a downer. So I tell him, that I'd go if we went to [his HS friend's place] but I'm wishy-washy, and he should just do what he wants (if it ends up being the HS friend...then I'll go, but no big deal if he doesn't.)

So, now he probably thinks i'm being weird and something is up with us, because we've seen each other every single day this summer but once. So, he just kind of sighs, a little (not upset maybe, but definitly annoyed/frustrated) and says he might call me later.

And that was that.

So there I sat in a dark family room, ready to cry, tearing up, deciding whether to let 'em go, or suck it up.

That could be PMS. :) Haha, but it's probably just Aglaia.

Anyway, so like I said, it's good for Jeff to get out and cleanse his (guy-self) and go drink with friends the way (college boys) do. Because I'm not the girl to go out and do that with. I do like to drink--er, okay I like to be buzzing/drunk or whatever, but I don't really care to drink. And, while I think the final experience is fun, I could probably go the rest of my life without drinking. Besides, I'll take the time I have to myself for tonight to pack and go through things, and catch up on last minute (whatevers) since I move in tomorrow.


As for the attacks on america it was such a spiritual feeling of people coming together, as I read through diaryland and all the messages concerning it. I believe his diary expressed my feelings the best.

Maybe it's the CWG, maybe it's because I don't know anyone who's been directly affected by the incidents that I can say and feel this, but whenever something like this happens, my first thoughts aren't of hate and of punishment. It's of a confused, wonder to understand. And not only that, but to reach out. Hate, doesn't bring anything more, but hate. Someone who feels the way they do, especially to carry out such acts that kill innocent people, isn't someone to be hated, and burned and attacked. It's someone who needs to be understood.

To feel this way, this person(s) feels and thinks that way because they feel wronged. Whether that is true or not doesn't even matter, because they feel those feelings no matter want. I wish that everyone could not only pray for the victims' families, but also for the attackers.

May their hearts be softened.






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