I'm feeling really bad about myself right now. PMS, bloated and emotional. I'm also alone. Alone in this foreign apartment wondering what I am doing here.
I miss him. A lot. I miss living with him. It's only been one week since I moved out and am now living separately with Jeff. I knew I would be sad and I knew I would miss him. I think it would be really strange not to. I think it's too early to make any decisions but I do feel like maybe I've made a mistake.
I'm not enjoying my job right now. At all. It's actually...pretty terrible. I'm really busy in one way but I don't like any of the things I'm working on. I feel like all these crappy jobs just got placed in my lap which all have a lot of responsibility, require a lot of time but are extremely mindless. I don't really feel like I'm being used to my true capacity. I know my job (and all meeting planning jobs) involve a lot of crappy work. There are simply things that have to be done and someone has to do them. But, I'd like to be working on something that I enjoy--at least have one project that interests me.
I started leaving "on time" --which shouldn't make me feel bad, but it does. Before I was working at least a half hour, frequently an hour or more over what's expected everyday. Now, I'm leaving as soon as I can or 15-20 minutes after. I guess what makes it feel weird is that I get there so early so leaving on time is hours before everyone else. I'm getting to work by 6-6:30 AM while others aren't coming in until 9 or 10 sometimes. But, it still feels awkward to leave between 2-3pm when everyone else is there.
I'm crying between every paragraph so this is just going to be a disjointed thought flow. Sorry if I keep jumping to new subjects.
I've been listening to the Harry Potter books on tape and I think they're so good. The reader just matches the mood of the stories perfectly. I'm listening to the Goblet of Fire right now and it's probably one of the best books I've ever listened to. I mean, I am so into it...laughing, crying, I get scared during the "danger" parts...total nerd, but it's awesome that a book...especially a book on tape can do that.
Okay, I know I should talk about Jeff but I'm just so......bleh, I mean, I just don't feel like dealing with it. I'm exhausted from worrying about it. Jeff seems to be doing better these days. Actually, this weekend we spent a lot of time together doing 'normal' things and it was probably the first time since I broke the news to him that I was able to forget there was this thing hanging between us. We still spend a lot of time talking...and crying. But, he doesn't seem depressed anymore so that's good.
Today is really the first time I've had time to myself to stop and think. Hence, the tears. I've been so busy with moving or setting up things I haven't really done much else. I guess...I still don't know yet.
I feel like...I don't know, like I want to get away from everything. But, I know that I want to get away with Jeff. I'm tired of this place and of my job. I hoping this is all temporary going through this mood, but I just...want something new.
And it's like, isn't living in a new apartment new? But that's not really it. I just want to be right with myself. And I haven't been in so long, maybe that's the change that I need. But I feel like Jeff is a part of me. Getting right with "me" means getting right with him. I can't see him NOT being a part of my life (or me) and I still want to spend all of my time with him.
I'm...scared. I'm scared I don't know myself and I don't know what I want. I wish I could take a hiatus from everything.
I'm just exhausted. I know I've said it already but that's how I feel. Beat down emotionally and physically and I wish I could just take a vacation. I wish I had somewhere to go. I wish I had some money to do something (which I don't). I just want all of this to be over--and not Jeff and I, just the confusion of not knowing what's going on. It is too hard because you just feel strung out. I have an all or nothing mentality and dragging this out is wiping me out.
I either neither to be completely committed and invested in Jeff, get on the marriage track and move forward or we need to break up completely and I need to go do whatever it is to recover. I still feel like I'm in this weird inbetween state.
But it's not like before where I felt like we were through. Now, I feel like...we're good. But not so good that I running through the streets confessing my love for him. I just feel...content, as where before I felt miserable in a lot of ways. Now, I feel confident, safe and secure? It's almost like...I'm just bored. I'm bored at my job and I'm bored in this life, but I don't know what I need to make me care about something.
I keep going back to the way I felt with Bryan. I try to remind myself that he really wasn't a great match (and he wasn't) but what I did enjoy about Bryan was the intrigue. He intrigued me. He excited me. He was extremely passionate and very talented. He was also intense. But it was all very fascinating.
I don't expect relationships to be like that. I don't think, even if a relationship can begin that way it would ever stay at that level. It's only intriguing until you learn more.
But, I would like to be challenged. And Bryan did challenge me. I loved talking about personal and spiritual philosophy with him. With anyone. I think...that's what is probably missing in my life.
I want God back.
It would be so amazing if I could find a fellowship of people that believed the things I did. I think that's really what I do need. It's not a new job or a new life or new boyfriend, it's to stop ignoring this hugely important thing from disappearing from my everyday life. It's just hard to keep up when no one else around you appears to care and/or doesn't want to be engaged in that way. It doesn't help that I've NEVER met anyone else that practices Advaita.
It's also hard to explain....I mean, its concept is actually very simple, but I don't think it's something you can explain, it's almost something you need to experience. When I do explain it, it comes out sounding like over the top new age BS. It's the one thing that Jeff and I have not talked about. My hesitation is in being judged. I feel confident that no matter what Jeff would not stop caring for me if I told him this is what I believe...but, spirituality, faith, these are personal things. They're also so important and if you simply don't "get" the other person's viewpoint....that's huge. We're so alike in so many ways it really catches you off guard if it doesn't just click right away.
It's not something I want to have to defend either. I'm fine with sharing and leaving it out there to explore and discuss but it's....I've been through enough conversations with Kathryn over Christianity to know that defending or arguing for a religion or belief is not going to get you anywhere. If you're open, and you want to learn, there is room to gain more. Questions are good...that's always going to be good. But, not questions that are geared to trip you up. I don't claim to know everything or to know how the universe works in its entirety.
All I know is I was searching for Who I Am and I studied many religions. I studied philosophy both in class and on my own time. Ultimately, I found the greatest truth in books like Friendship with God and in the philosophy track of Advaita Vedanta.
Someone of another faith may say I'm going down the wrong path but all I can answer is I'm going with what feels true to me and what makes sense in my mind. If that's satan or some other dark force pushing its way into my life...then, so be it, I don't know what to do to change it. I certainly have read enough on my own, and at least with Christianity attended service, groups and bible studies and it does not bring me closer to a Christian god. If anything, it makes me more doubtful that that is truth. You can't "make" someone believe in something.
I can try to be open and I can continue to learn. But, nothing has brough me as much peace as Advaita and the god that Neale Donald Walsch writes about in his books. These aren't my bible's, but they do offer a sense of calm knowing that sits right with me.
I just wish I had a place to share that with others every day. To receive feedback and to grow with other people. Because believing in something is great and fine, but unless if you're consciously moving to be a better person, then it's meaningless. I know I haven't been driven by some higher, spiritual goal and I wish I was. I think I could be, but I miss the fellowship.
I definitly need to (and will) talk to Jeff about this. And, perhaps, depending on how that goes I'll have a better idea if this is right for me. I've discovered that I can 'choose' love. I didn't think I could, but being with him and spending real, quality time with him I do. I'm happy to have found that again, or, to know that it wasn't lost completely. But, I think it's important that whoever I do marry that they are also my spiritual partner as well. I need that.
