Rayn (.diaryland.com) is my sexual hero. I wish I could be so sexually free. I'm not sure if I would or could be with a girl though. Although I have been thinking about bisexuality a lot (Not that I'm bisexual, just the term itself). I think, that the word really is more for people who are confused on where they stand--boys or girls, and they just haven't figured it out. Then there are people who embrace it...boys and girls. There should be another name for that. Or forget names, I suppose no one needs labels.

"It's like comparing a book to a purse. They're two totally separate things. I love men because they're masculine and they make me feel safe. But there's nothing more erotic, soft and sensual than the touch of a woman."-- stacy valentine

I've read a lot of comments very similar to that. Ha, actually I think the first time I ever thought about being with a woman was off of MTV, which I feel like a fool saying, because I don't even watch MTV, but there I am quoting an experience from it. They were talking about the diffeernce between why guys like watching/thinking about two girls, but girls don't really think about two guys together. And one of the guys was just saying how girls are just so soft, and the curves just kind of blend into each other, while guys are these hard ridges that just don't go together. I just remember nodding my head and thinking, "yeah..". Or something. ;)

But enough of that Rayn inspired thought wave. I'm not with a girl, and like I said, while I can fantasize about it, I'm not sure how I would react if I was given a situation to act on it. But I think that's totally a society thing. We're brought up to be anti-this and that.

But....I don't have to worry about that, cuz I'm with a man and I'm falling for him, if I haven't already fallen. This is such a weird and wonderful feeling. And I don't want to get to ahead of myself talking about love and what not, but in the back of my head I'm thinking about how much I really like this guy, how we just fit so good. And he's definitly influencing it. He keeps telling me how perfect I am for him, and yadda yadda. And it's so flattering and everything he says I totally agree with.

If he would tell me he loves me, though, I'm not sure what I would say.

Sometimes I don't know if I can love somebody. I don't know if I've pumped up love to be this impossible thing, but I can say this....that the way we are together, it's the way love should be. I don't think I'm there yet...but I'm definitly headed there.

Here's an AIM conversation I was having with one of my real good ('net) guy friends that i've been talking to through emails and what not for the last couple of years:

ME:...and actually, he sort of reminds me of you in away. I remember at the beginning with you I just couldn't believe that you wanted to talk to me. You seemed so incredibly intelligent and felt like this younger, stupid girl or something. And the dailies, I couldn't believe you would want to hear me rambling and going on about everything day after day, not being all that interesting and what not..

ME:...and i felt like that with Chris at first too. I just couldn't believe why this older, really goodlooking, successful guy would want to be with me. But he just...likes me. I can sit in the car and think and be quiet, and it doesn't bother him, i can be silly and what not and..he likes it. And it's just like, this, awesome, really good feeling. Like, i'm just really excited about us.

I had sex again last night. I finally piped up about my condom in my pocket. Go, aglaia. It's weird, because he's always giving me oral sex...and it feels good and what not, but he just seems to be missing it. So then I start getting bored, and I'm not sure at some point he has to be bored. ;) So last night, I just kind of scooted up and brought him up to my face and kissed him and told him that's where I wanted him. But protection saved the day, didn't even make him suffer into that whimpering stage, although I admit, I was kind of hoping to wait him beg for it like that, haha. Hehe, i like just it.

I slipped him in, me on top, and it just killed.

Biting my lip, holding back the tears, trying to please him, leaning back, feeling him deeper inside of me.

Eventually he was on top, and I liked that a lot better. We had so much sex! I don't know....if he just kept on going with the same condom, (which I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do but...) or what the deal was. I hope he was never going at it condom free. I need to get on birth control, or everytime we have sex I'm going to worry about being pregnant until I get my period again. (Kind of an interesting flip...hoping for your period to come soon, just so you know!).

I felt like if I could just get my legs up high enough, he could enter me from an angle that that would feel really good. He also came in from behind, which felt good too, but I couldn't really feel him all that much. I think I made him think I came though. Well, surely one day I will for real. ;)

So amidst all this sexual activity, Angie (uh, the girl's bed we're..using...)walks into the room! Talk about a dash for the covers! I'm pretty sure she knew what was going on, but she had to go to the bathroom in her room, cuz it was the only one that had toilet paper in it. Chris was kind of like...uhhh, sorry! But she didn't seem to care. She was just like oh....la la la, i'll be out of here in a minute. That's so generous of her, always giving her bed to me and Chris while we stay there. Haha, their apartment is turning into my second home as well! That feels so wrong though, just going at it in a friend's bed! Ha, oh well, i guess.

It's kind of funny, because she's in there like chatting with us. (She was really drunk.) She was heading out to my guitar boy's house for some sex. Ah, sounds like my roommie and her on/off again boyfriend. But it was interesting hearing it from her side, cuz when i talk over aIM with Jeffrey (uh, that's guitar boy if you haven't been keeping up ;) he always sounds so anti-angie. But i guess, he wouldn't be one to turn down sex, i suppose. :)

A day consumed with Alpha Xi. It's okay. Just...I should have studied for my midterms. Sometimes I can get away with it. These two....I can't. And I need a monologue. I think I may cry, or I wish I could, but I feel so...unconcerned. God, later on tonight is gonna really kick my ass.

Everyone in the U. is going on strike. Talk about "whoa" problems. The bus system, the meal plans. Aglaia has to get her regularly scheduled food, ya know what I mean?? This is gonna suck.

Peace Out.