5 April 2000

A friend from church committed suicide this weekend.

Well, I suppose he wasn't a friend in the strongest sense of the word. But he was part of the circle, and I knew his best friends reasonably well.

Death can bring on so many responses in you. Shock, sadness, confusion, calm, upset, angry, sadness....acceptance. I can't decide if I've already come to accept his death because I just didn't know him that well, if I'm this cold person, I'm just not letting it hit me, or if it's some higer understanding of the situation. I've already looked at death and what it means to me, how i view it, how i view life. I've come to terms with it, and embrace it. If anything, he is experiencing everything right now in our truest nature. He's become more a part of everything, and his suffering is over.

It didn't have to go down like that. It's amazing, how selfish suicide is. I'm at such a time in my life, I am so happy. And that is the most amazing feeling. That spark, crackling through you, such energy, and hope and joy. The knowing. It's the knowing that saves you.

Everyone has that depressing, don't understand the world, woes me, i am so alone...feeling. Everyone. I thought about suicide a lot in the 5th grade. I don't think I would ever do it. And thinking back, I only remember elementary as being so wonderful, I can't remember child-self. I remember I was telling my friends on the bus exactly how I was going to do it. I had a plan-- I don't think I would have done it, but I definitly had it planned. The bus driver, bless his heart really, called my mother and told her about it.

That was probably one of the most shameful experiences. Having to sit there with my mother, and try to explain to her where I was at. I was so incredibly shy and quiet when I was younger, no one really knew what I was going through, because I didn't talk about it. It was excruciating. From that point on any time suicide was mentioned, in passing conversation or in the newspaper or on a talk show or whatever, I would tense up and throw a glance at my mom.

That wasn't even my worst year. I had a relative good middle school experience. (Thankfully). Not to say I was without my troubles and traumas, but I had my best friend, and was still oblivious to anything as trivial as being "cool." I am thankful for my naive self. It was my sophomore year of HS that it really all hit me.

I had a religious explosion, my eyes opened and my world crashed down. My best friend left me for a guy, my swim coach was pressuring me, my acting director was pressuring me....I was so alone, and hurt and didn't have any outlet to throw it at. Well at least I got some great angsty poetry out of it all ;)

But I didn't think about suicide anywhere through all of that. Not even as an option.

It's the easiest decision. Instant escape. You probably don't realize how much your loved when you're in a state like that. What it does to your friends, your family, or even those of whom your life just quickly touched.

Hanged himself. Right there in his dorm room. His roommate leaves to take a shower and comes back to find him there. What a strange way to go out.

That's terrible, I almost just said, To leave us hanging like that.... Oh, I'm morbid.

So today I'm walking along campus with this "hop" to my walk, and realized how totally in love with myself I am. Not like that--like I think i'm awesome (although no doubt, I like to pretend I have the biggest ego--it's just a cover up for my insecurities probably ;)), but just how much I am enjoying my life. Opposed to that lost feeling you think you can never escape, that dreaded depression. When you're in it, it's completley inexplainable. No one can really feel what you're going through. You're rejecting yourself, and everyone else as well.

And i've been there. And people really close to me, have been there. You feel so helpless, because you just want to simplify, and scream STOP! Stop feeling that way, snap out of it, get out of bed, do something, anything. And it doesn't work that way.

So how did I get from there to here? Because I am genuinely really happy with my life and myself. And just like out of some cardboard box, a self-help book, repeat after me tape, "I love myself." Yep. :)