27 January 2004

I don't remember if I talked about it before but a few months ago I was experiences a bunch of weird symptoms. I wasn't sure if any of it was related or if was even real (I think I have a brain tumor half the time when I get a bad headache). Anyway...symptoms, back!

I am experiencing a tingly numb feeling on the left side of my cheek. It is mostly concentrated on the "ball" of my cheek but it creeps down to the bottom of my chin all the way up to the back of my skull. It's more tingly than numb--when I say numb I think people get this picture of droopy face--and that's not what it's like. I can still feel and move my facial muscles it's just very obvious to me that something is not right in the state of left cheek.

I have felt the numbing off and on since it first occurred (er, maybe in October?) and at the time it was funny that a woman at work actually had shingles and I was experiecing very similar symptoms--except shingles isn't contagious and usually doesn't "hit" young people. I developed a weird rash on the back part of my neck, I had strange pains up and down the left side of my arm, my eye began to sting and bother me--it's like I had a mess of symptoms that just didn't make any sense.

Anyway, true to the terrible doctor's office that I go to, I left a message for someone to get back to me on my weird symptoms and no one ever did. That was nice of them, huh?.

Anyway, I never bothered to call back because I was feeling like the boy who called wolf at work because the symptoms were so strange and I had a couple of days where my stomach just HURT so I had to leave work early/come in late and I thought it looked suspicious--even though it was all sincere!

So here I am a few months later and for the past three days the tingly is back, and bad. Plus my eye started to sting today. And, while I don't have a rash I have four red bumps on my face that hurt.

And you're probably thinking, er, those are called zits, aglaia--and while I initially would have agreed with you, they don't appear to be zits with a closer look. I typically have great skin (yadda yadda) and sure I'll get a pimple from time to time when the period strikes but nothing like this. Plus I have this prescription zit stuff that is truly magical. One day with the treatment and the zit goes flat. Two days it's practically non-existent.

Well, after one treatment of the zit cream I saw no change...in fact, they seemed larger and redder and a new one popped up (it began with 3). So I thought maybe I would try a "pop" test but to no avail. They could of course be acne cysts (big hard bumps) but they were unlike any cyst I had ever had--and why would I get 4 at one time? So then I thought maybe they were bug bites--something in my room, probably a spider, going to town on my face.

Jeff just winked and said "sure, they're bug bites" when I proffered my explanation to him so no support there (haha).

THEN, today I noticed the tingly--in my zits! Haha, I'm sure i'm just over-sensitive to any feeling in my face at this point, but the bumps are actually turning painful and even itchy.

Haha, I'm making it sound like my face is a disaster and no one probably even noticed I have "acne" (la la la)--I'm sensitive to it, ok!

So, I finally called the doctor again today and actually talked to a nurse rather than a "huh?" receptionist. She seemed really concerned when I described the numb face and she said I needed to come in right away (maybe it's cerebral palsy!)--I'm like, uh, I don't think it's that.

I feel kinda crazy at this point. I've never heard of a tingly/numb cheek and I'm afraid with not much more to go on how are they supposed to make a proper diagnosis? OR, even better, watch my face not be numb at all tomorrow. Then what? Fake it?

Agh.

I watched Amadeus over the weekend. I loved it the first time I saw it and I still think it's one of the greatest movies ever. It's a bit lengthy but I definitly recommend it to everyone, especially if you love music.

So it's nearing the "time to move" deadline. I told Jeff I had to stay through February to finish out my conference and I would not move before that. But I'm not exactly sure I'm willing to just quit and leave at the first of March either--and I think Jeff kind of had that impression.

He said it's unfair for me to expect him to move to L.A., find a job, find an apartment, learn about the area and then invite me over after he's done all the hardwork. And I understand...BUT, I feel like we each had equal opportunity to do "our part" and I found a job first. It just happened to be in our hometown--where neither of us wanted to stay, but, it doesn't change the fact that I have a job, a pretty decent one at that, in my area and I enjoy it!

I just cannot quit to go live in poverty in L.A. Sure, it might be fun and exciting at first, but...that's too much pressure to have both of us in a new city, new environment and both jobless and confused.

If the stress of moving (+ moving in TOGETHER!) isn't enough, what is being depressed and jobless going to do to us? Sure, I'm not thrilled with the idea of him moving out there and us being separated, but part of me is...cautiously interested to see what that would be like. The longest Jeff and I have ever been separated for was two days. TWO DAYS! (in almost 4 years of being together). It would certainly be an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and to be able to see our relationship from the outside rather than be consumed in every minute of it.

Now, that sounds good in a weird scientific study way but I know I would be crushed as soon as he would begin to even pack his bags and go. We do spend pretty much everyday together. I would have a lot of time on my hands (kind of a good thing) and if I used it wisely I think it would be a beneficial experience. I would hope that the separation would "make the heart grow stronger"--of course, I then worry about party boy Jeff emerging in a new town, living with a buddy and just having the time of his life...remembering what it was like to "party" before me! La la la...

Then again, if he would really feel like that it would be better for us to go our separate ways...but that is much easier said than experienced. Jeff is more than the sum of my investment...he's my love, he's my life...my best friend and so incredibly important to me. I'm willing to work through any issues or problems because I don't expect him to be perfect, I don't expect him to EXPECT ME to be perfect and certainly our relationship won't be all be roses. But, for the most part it is. *smiles*

I do want to get out of this city. I do think the experience will be worth it (even if we fail to find good jobs). Just to have JOBS and to see what it's like to live somewhere else, away from my comfort zone. I know that's important. And, I'm afraid the longer I stay where it's comfortable the longer it's less likely that I will be leaving...ever.

We'll see.