11 December 2001

oh, the dreaded second guessing, and doubt that we place upon ourselves and create within our relationships.

I really feel like something is up with Jeff. He's acted really distant these past two nights...

Usually we leave each other with giggles, and "i love you's" and a general feeling of lustful can't wait to see that person again, yadda yadda. So when you go from that, to all of a sudden he hasn't once tried to kiss me in two days--hey, that's weird. That the past two nights, our time together probably didn't total more than an hour and a half, and we usually spend hours together (until we're basically forced to go off and do something on our own ;)

So yeah, that's weird, and i'm upset, and i am PMSing, and i dont' know if I should blame it on that, or if that's just a scapegoat right now. And if something *is* up, I wish he would just tell me. And he's mentioned a couple times recently that he's having trouble with money (and wonder's how he's going to afford christmas), and I hope he's not worried about getting me a christmas gift, because Jeff likes to go all out, and really...

I'm not a gift person. I like spending time with people, but if I had to give up gifts (yes, even receiving) i would. I don't like doing it on Birthdays, and I really, really, don't like doing it on Christmas. I think random gifts are fun. And I like being out and if Jeff says he wants something, that I can buy it for him. It feels good. But to feel forced to go out and be thoughtful and creative (and often) spend big bucks on a gift for someone...it doesn't feel like the heartfelt thing it's supposed to be. It feels like an obligation, and where's the love in that?

Either way, I think i'm ending this night with some tears and i'm upset, and i'm confused and i'm frustrated.

I'm lonely. Feel rejected. And could really use some comforting. Damn, why can't that boy see i'm so upset and just call me and fix everything?

And I know part of this is the over-sensitivity of PMS, the high emotional state, because I'm feeling everything from the old "what's wrong with me" to the "I'm a bad girlfriend" and there's nothing wrong with our relationship that I can see.

And there's no reason we have to be tumbling over each other in love everytime we see each other--the same way we don't have to go out and actually "do something" when we hang out. The same way we don't always have to sit and hold a fascinating conversation or learn something new about the other.

But I would have been really, pretty content with my boyfriend simply holding me in his arms, or feeling him put his hands through my hair.

Because he's my unit and I know when something is up. So what is it Jeff?