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23 June 2000

Fuck you. Who's making me emotional?

Yourself, your body, your mind, your society, your drugs, you wants, your needs, your frustrations, your feelings, your food, your friends, your family, your job, your lifestyle, your thoughts, your air, your environment, your media, your entertainment, your knowledge, your rules, your self.

But sometimes it's good to let the fumes of your car make circles around it's boxy shape, and suffocate in the sun drenched windows, closed to the outside. Because you sit there with your keys hanging in the their slot, car turned on, ready to go, and you're not even blinking, but there's already a tear falling down your right cheek. It's not even an intelligent tear.

So I hate you for making me feel this way, but you didn't do a thing. I make myself feel whatever I feel. I let you influence me. I cry about small things. I cry about big things. There's almost nothing worst than me being caught in my ignorance.

Tonight I was caught. Attacked, accused, maybe not, maybe so. But I don't come unprepared when it comes to tests and knowledge. My self-respect I choose, but when it comes to that, I don't let myself fall any space below where I think I can be. So I'm sorry I didn't know your answers, and I hope you understand that when you forget to give your training server the books that tell her all the answers, and then complain about not studying, it is not me who's in the wrong but you. And by then end, when I felt like I just took a final, and didn't study, and would rather throw it out and slip out the back door, then have to face your teacher, no I don't appreciate the fact that you didn't apologize for not giving me the books, when I, in an exasperated voice, shook my head in wonder when you said "so kindly" that I could take it again tomorrow.

But study what? I'm not going to know anything tomorrow, I said!

(oh those?)

[yeah, thanks. These might help, huh?]

Don't read my test. Don't read my blanks. Don't read my mispellings. Don't read my ignorance. Don't read my foolishness. Don't read the answers I made up. Don't read the questions that I asked. Don't do anything at all.

You're good at that.


I wish I could see my girls. I miss Kathryn, I miss holly, i miss friends. I need some girlfriends. I need some guy friends. I need some friends all around. I need some money, I need some real hours to work. I need to go study those books, now that I have them. I need to start working out. I need to stop crying every second, because I don't know why I am. I need to get rid of my headache. I need to read a book.

A good book.

I spread some CWG lovin' last night to my "other" guitar boy, Andy. He totally picked up on it. It was nice. For once I was teaching.....instead of trying to justify my thoughts, someone was finally telling me how much it made sense. Thank You.

I'm mean to my brother. I'm probably unconsciously scarring him or something. I find lately, everything I say or do towards him is ended with a "just go away, and don't take offense to what I just said/did, don't worry about it, it's not you, it's me, I'm terrible, yadda yadda, bye." I complain about friends, and he's the one who needs them and I just push him away. It's not always. But he has a major case of ADD/hypertension, and I can't always take him. Put an annoying, weird, hyper person who's already annoyed herself (for whatever reason) and you're likely to explode. Which I usually do. He just keeps messing with you until you can't handle it. (brother) I'm sorry.

There was a candy kid at the restaurant today. Not in my section, but I saw her while I was coming up from the kitchen. I need to go find myself some nice alternateens. They're the best. They may "hide" behind their colorful personage, but upfront, I find them the nicest people, and more real than any other type of people I find. Goodnight.


(interjection--->Did I mention I was emotional for unknown reasons? Yeah, I just read my guestbook, and burst into tears when Snowy said 'i love you.' Because I'm dork, yep. Haha, thanks snowy. Oh gawd, I'm going crazy. Oh, and Scud, yeah, I know, is that equally dorky that I keep mentioning my counter stats? I can't help it, I am still so happily impressed and "in awe" (haha) with what that darn counter can do, I just have to thank all the kind peeps who stuck around and read up on stuff. I think it's strange, but I like it anyway. :)






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