01 January 2004

A new year begins and I'm left confused, moody and just plain tired.

Yes. Did you hear that? I am 22 years old and I'm tired. I don't know how you mix life into work. I don't know how people do children and partner. I don't know how you mix friendships and family and love and still find time to feed inner self.

Because sometimes I'm just going and it all seems good until something trips me up and I'm left grasping to make sense of life and self. And I never figure it out or even feel a step closer. I just feel more confused and more alone and lost. The only thing that pulls me out of it is the fact the life must go on and somtimes all that thinking just means pain which is too sharp and real to deal with. So it gets put aside and behind and I go on my merry way until I trip again.

I don't know what to think of my life and self. Overall things look pretty good and compared to most I think it must look pretty outstanding, but if I really take the time to evaluate how I'm doing I feel miserable. I feel like I should be a part of something that makes me passionate.

My job is fine. In fact, I really do like it, but it doesn't drive me with excitement. I feel occasionally challenged, but more so when things are "tough" its because I'm annoyed with my nit-picky supervisor not with the actual task. And it doesn't have to be my job, but it's be nice to just really get behind something and enjoy it.

I always thought I would "give back" to the community somehow. what am I doing? I'm not active in any organizations or happily busy on any personal projects (other than getting myself fit, which isn't exactly going that well).

I spent New Year's Eve with Jeff. As yesterday winded down into the early evening I really didn't feel like going out. My "friends" (I have a few, right?) were scattered in different places with different sets of interests and their own friends. Jeff's boys were going to a party strip downtown which sounded more like a great single's trip than anything else and to be honest, I felt tired. I used to love New Year's Eve but the more I thought about it this year the more this didn't feel like a special day or something important.

It only felt like a blessed precursor to a day off. A wonderful, glorious, day to myself to just get things done and get things in order.

Christmas was a tease. And I went to a wedding out-of-state last weekend so it wasn't much of a vacation because I was busy travelling and running around doing things.

I was exhausted from the weekend and went to bed before 11pm everynight this week so far. I was surprised because Jeff said he was okay with not going out for the 'Eve. He was in the same situation with loose friends having get togethers and wasn't terribly interested in hitting the "clubs" downtown (we have pathetic clubs). We began with dinner at my parent's house which was pleasant enough. After dinner we hung out with my mom drinking wine then we played a little table tennis and old-school Nintendo (Dr. Mario), giggling and laughing together, just being goofy.

We left there and picked up some alcohol to go to his buddies house to hang out before they went downtown. I was hoping to get high and just chill my whole night away. We did get some weed but nobody was smoking so either did we. One drink later we were on our way out. We left to go back to his parent's house and unfortunately his family had friends over so no smoking for us.

I nibbled on appetizers and drank water. My head was pulsating. I get painful heart palpatations on occasion and was experiencing the same out of rhythm heart beat, except I was feeling the pain and pulsing across my head and hands (this also happens on occasion). Anyway, as you can imagine, it is a bit distracting and unpleasant. Nothing some weed could have cured, but that wasn't an option. I really didn't feel like drinking (surprise) so I didn't. Poor Jeff ended up not either.

At this point it's probably a bit before 11 and I am extremely tired. I also feel very cold, chilled to the bone. We are down in his basement and he is spinning tunes. It is taking everything out of me to not fall asleep. I can feel my eyes rolling around trying so hard to not to close my eyes. For awhile I am lightly "napping" as he is playing music in a somewhat conscious state. The ball drops and I could care less. I want to sleep.

Jeff and I kiss to bring in the New Year's and at this point I am in waste. I feel terrible about it.

His parent's friends leave and Jeff suggests we smoke in a little bit.

A little bit? I knew I was ready to go to bed then, but tried to stay awake for awhile longer. Finally at 12:30 or so after I tell him I need to go home. He is obviously upset with this news. He tells me that if it was going to be like this he would have gone out with his friends, but he didn't because he wanted to spend it with me. He drives me home in silence, and I consider kissing him goodnight but he is obviously distant and pissy so I don't. I say goodnight and walk into my house tears already brimming.

Why should I have to feel guilty about feeling tired? I thought I was being honest and open by asking him to take me home rather than try to fight it and be any more miserable. That's great that he took a nap and probably slept the afternoon away, but I didn't. And I was tired!

I just saw him an hour ago and while he was being somewhat friendly I knew it was a chore for him to do so. I finally asked if he was still upset with me. (yes.) He said he knew it wasn't fair to be mad, and he wasn't necessarily angry with me just frustrated.

Which I can understand. But it puts me in a really awkward position because how do I get better? He's right that I'm not much use during the week because he gets to see me for about an hour in the evening before I'm ready to go to bed. Correct!

I start feeling tired around 8:30 and by 9:30 I'm thinking a 10pm bedtime sounds awfully nice. I usually push through until 11pm because I hate wasting away my night with sleep and often I'll be up til midnight or so after because of the same reason. But if I'm staying up it's because I'm actively doing something.

I simply cannot just sit and watch television or a movie or listen to music and stay awake. Because I'm tired before I even get to jeff's. But what are we supposed to do? I have suggested board games but he doesn't like them.

Plus, I know it wears down on him, and he mentioned it again today that by the end of the week from working he really needs to go out. Well, by the time I get to Friday I am exhausted. I want to be lazy. Saturday I really need the "me" time and ARGH. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

I am so....I'm tired. I feel tired all the time. Going over to jeff's during the week wipes me out. I'm already staying up later than I would if I were home and so yeah by the time the weekend hits i'm even more exhausted. No I don't feel like going out because I don't think it's much fun.

Bar=boring. I don't like drinking because I find it to be a chore (i hate the taste), a waste of calories, and expensive. Plus, while I don't mind his friends they certainly don't take an interest in me and why should they? We are not the type of people who would ever hang out together. I don't have a great interest in them either. So sure, I can think of better things to do than sit in a bar, be bored and getting fat. I don't mind if Jeff goes by his lonesome but I can see how that can be annoying if you'd realy like your girl to go and she never does. No wonder his friends don't like me--i'm a bore!

So take a cranky, moody girlfriend who is tired and pleading for "me" time and sleep and now she's supposed to fake it and go to the bar? I don't know, I don't know...

I don't know what to do. i don't know what this means, if anything. Are Jeff and I completely not suited for each other? I don't know what this means or how to make it better. And this is me, so why would it change if I was with anyone else? I do really enjoy being with jeff and spending time with him.

I can be so goofy and silly and just myself with him and have such a good time and really just like him. Really enjoy him. And I do. And the bits I get from him for the most part really satisfy any desire I have for us and a relationship. I think, I am more independent than I realize. I really crave just being by myself and feeding my own mind.

Sometimes I feel like not having those simliar interests that really fuel the soul does hurt our relationship. I would love for Jeff to find God (okay, my god). To enjoy reading. To take an interest in health and body. To find interest in feministic writings or subjects.

And friends. I have no friends. At this point I don't even know what I'd do with them. I'm so tired all the time, I don't feel like I have enough time to satisfy myself, and I'm obviously failing my boyfriend, how in the world could I make any of my friends (if I had any) feel special and wanted?

I feel so selfish. I don't know how to handle it or my situation. If I don't feel satisfied then I'm not doing enough for myself. But if my boyfriend is unhappy with my behavior then it's like I'm not trying hard enough to make that work. And my mom is constantly trying to get me to do more with the family and it's like....I can't make anyone happy, including myself.

I don't know if it's all psychological, because god, for the most part, I'm happy. But if Jeff's not, then neither can I be. I try so hard to make these few relationships be ok and it's never enough. And I don't know how to make it work.

I just feel bad. I feel bad all the time. My mom drives me crazy. I have to get out of this house. I feel like she's getting inside of me and I can hear her actually talking down to me! More and more I am conscious of this "voice" that is telling me that I am wrong or could be doing something better. And this from a great person. My mom is a good and loving person. But she drives me insane. Oh, so insane. She's always fucking right and we, we my whole family, we are all so fucking wrong. ALWAYS. We can never do anything right, and the thing is, she's almost always right about it.

But it's like, we can't be perfect. And some of these things, we really do need to learn on our own. And that same critical mind, how in the world will I be able to escape from this house and not push that type of thinking onto others? If I have children, they will hate me. Jeff will hate me. Because honestly, I hate my mom a lot of time. And as I said before...I think she was and is a good mom with good intentions. And as far as the basics go she was an excellent teacher and guide. And she's right, she does do a lot for the home and for the family. And she has put us first rather than herself.

And I can never forget it, can I mom? We're all valuing different things we do for each other. So everyone feels like they're giving more and everyone feels like they're unappreciated.

I feel so crazy and upset and tired and frustrated inside. I really want to move out of this house. I don't know if it'll make it better or not. But I am willing to go and see if it does. Sometimes the whole life thing just makes me tired rather than excited.

And that's sad.

Two years ago I had my resolutions on track.

One year ago I had some "good stories" stories to tell but the backspace ruined it. I wonder what I had to say?