A couple of months back, Katie emailed me about going to a Bible study. I had replied with a long and honest reply of my non-Christian (burned) status and my dedication to God and my spirituality. I admitted my sadness that I could not truly share this with Jeff and my openness to possibly attending this Bible study based on a desire for fellowship and the persuit of knowledge (but not necessarily as a part of my continued faith in Christianity).

She never responded.

In fact, until recently I hadn't talked or seen her since that email was sent. I was a little confused. I figured she'd take the bait to save the "poor lost sheep" and invite me to attend with her. Or, possibly send me a short line that she respected my feelings and yadda yadda. I almost thought...maybe she never even received the email.

When I did see her last though, it was perfectly fine. Maybe she never did get the email, I don't know.

But tonight, she was talking about opening Jeff up to God and that she knew that I would be praying along with her for this. I was kind of like, "uh, yeah." I mean, of course I wish for Jeff to open himself up to God. But she was really making it sound like I was "one of her kind." I felt at once hesitant and honored. I don't want to lead her on if I've given her the wrong impression. Trying to tell a Christian you're not one, when they think all along you have been one....

Hey, that's a bit like breaking up with your boyfriend when you've been pretending for months that everything is great and you'll be moving to Chicago with him any day now.

Wait a sec....

I have progressed no where with my "break up" with Jeff. My online discussion with Katie did not make me feel much better. She basically gave me the pining "you're the golden couple" speech. I hinted at some of my doubts...using the "he doesn't want children" angle to help push the discussion.

She seemed in doubt that it could be even be true that he wouldn't. She told me about how he has so many dreams about our future, and how she has no doubt he thinks about asking me to marry him, but that he wants to get on his feet to support me first.

It's honorable, I'll give him that.

Do you feel my position? Not that any break up is easy, but I feel like I have the whole world rooting for us here? I feel like I am not only crushing someone I love, which will probably result in the loss of not only my boyfriend but my best friend, but I am scared I will lose the friendship of all others too. I feel like it will look like I'm coming out of leftfield...that I just "don't feel like" moving to Chicago and that's why I would break-up with him.

Although it will sting badly, I believe that it's for the best of both of us. I feel like I'm cheating us out of some greater love. Am I cop out? Am I just giving up? The problem is...I've crossed over some hidden line. My mind, wrapped around the idea of "us" no longer existing and I grasped onto it so hard that the "us" fell apart in my hands. I am so far beyond wondering if "we can make it." I'm just wondering how I can break it off.

In other news I may have figured out why I have piercing headaches that crush the front of my skull pretty much everyday. Sure, the stress is probably contributing but how about three little letters called TMJ.

Ah yes, Temporal Mandibular Joint syndrome. First considered a problem back in 1987, I began developing major problems in the early 90s. My jaw would crack, crunch, lock and throb with pain. I especially loved when I would open my mouth to eat or laugh only to find I couldn't close it again. I would find myself wriggling my jaw in sharp pain, a pretty crunching sound as the theme song until I could finally twist my mouth back shut.

It sucked.

But, through braces, retainers and the such I thought I was pretty much cured. Sure, my front teeth don't touch now (I can literally slide lettuce and other items through my teeth with my jaw completely "closed") but I could live with that. And although I knew things like gum, caramel, taffy and other chewy items would aggrivate the condition I usually ate them anyway. Gum especially is killer. My jaws usually have a dull, throbbing pain if I feel anything at all. Sometimes the crunching will come back, but it's more novel than a problem.

Well, little did I know that TMJ could cause headaches! Apparently, TMJ can cause headaches and in exactly the area that I experience them. Stress, and a night full gnashing, chewing and grinding of the teeth contribute to both the achy jaw and the headaches. I know I grind, and chew my tongue and mouth during the night. I sometimes wake up with teeth tightly clenched.

So, I read about the headache/migraine/TMJ connection sort of randomly, stumbling onto it online (I had pretty much forgotten I even HAD TMJ!) and brought this up to my dentist on Friday. He basically started freaking out on me. I think he was almost....excited? Excited is the wrong word. With my jaw...I was a case study back in the mid 90s between him an my orthodontist. Although my teeth were never gnarly my jaw they feared would/could cause me all these problems.

You know, it would have been nice if in the 10 years since they could have at least ASKED me about the TMJ problems. I guess when they say, "so how have things been" I was supposed to know to tell my DENTIST things like I have headaches! I dunno, I always thought, well, my teeth are doing fine, so I'm doing fine. That makes sense right? Sure my jaw ached, but I also chewed gum, so I figured that was my fault.

He did a couple of diagnosic things and he seemed very concerned with my condition. When I said "excited" I meant...I think, b/c of my case study status....he has been basically waiting for these problems to develop all along. Almost like a hypothesis coming true.

So what was his advice? See a specialist....and most likely, I'll need surgery so they can re-set my jaw, which in turn will mean a new set of braces, etc.

OMG.

I was trying not to hyperventilate or cry in my chair as he's telling me this. Surgery, braces, sure those are serious and that sucks but....I don't have dental coverage!! I mean, I'm pretty much screwed.

Anyway, I gotta run, but I'm waiting to receive information from my insurance to see what all is covered and not. TMJ is considered a medical condition, BUT since dental services are used to treat it...that falls back into the dental coverage. It's one of those crappy gray areas. Medical may cover surgery...but not braces; even though I need both to treat the condition.

We'll see. Also, in other news...my GYN did not seem concerned with the spotting. I am supposed to see if my regular scheduled period flushes everything out and if things go back to normal. I hope!