17 May 2002

Hi. So it's been forever, but i've been busy, ya know? I keep meaning to write about Vegas, I even attempted to get it down in my "real" written journal (i can only imagine how outdated that one is), but it seemed like I always had too much homework or other things I should be spending my time rather than spend an hour and a half typing on here.

Which is kind of true...I mean my homework is more important, but in the long run, who cares about the homework, I'm sure it would have gotten done sometime and in the mean time my diary is being ignored and my life story stops for a month!

Well...Vegas was fun, it was...kind of too short. I mean we got laid over for a long time while trying to get there, so by the time we got there it was already early evening. We walked around ate dinner and gambled a lot afterwards. We got lost in Ceaser's Palace *forever*. We kept on walking round and round in circles trying to find an exit (you know how the casinos basically try to trap you inside!). Finally we got out, and man, my eyes were burning. It was only around 9pm (vegas time) but back in Ohio it would be close to midnight. We each had only gotten around 3 hours of sleep the night before, so you can imagine at this point from walking, and jetlag, etc, we were both exhausted.

We decided to go back to the hotel and take a nap, and then go out to a club later. Well...we never made it out. I remember hitting the snooze ("turning it off") and jeff doesn't even remember that. Oh well, so we slept through the night. But that's okay, we got up around 9 in the morning the next day. That was probably my favorite just that morning time. Jeff and I were being really silly....we each had about 20.00 in quarters and we were running around the quarter slot games like fools. We would put a quarter in until we won (typically between 2-5 quarters would be your win), and then we shout "yes!!" like we'd won big, and then move on. We were just being silly, it was fun.

After that we went swimming. It wasn't as warm as I would have liked, but it ended up getting to the mid-70s and in the sun that felt nice enough. We played in the pool (the first time we'd even "swam" together") and we laid out and talked. We took a nap after than, and then did more gambling. From there we went out to a nice dinner, and then a drink at rum jungle (or is it jungle rum?). Anyway that bar was really amazing--i wish they had something cool and trendy like that here. Sky vodka was their well vodka! So things were pretty expensive. We gambled some more after that, then went back to get ready for the club.

We got all dressed up and headed to the club "Ra" in the bellagio. Everyone there was older than me. Actually it felt like everyone in Vegas was 30 or older, i kept getting carded everywhere i went. But that was okay, because it just feels so nice to actually be 21 they can card all they want!

After we looked around the club we got some drinks and sat down. There were two bars, some cages with dancing girls, a middle dance floor and some lounging areas around. I think there were a lot of people on drugs there. It's kind of creepy to see old people all drugged up. I don't know why older adults look weird at clubs but it always does to me.

So finally I can't get down any drinks, i try taking shot and I cannot get it down, so after that i don't really feel like drinking anymore. I don't even think I was drunk, or even tipsy, just i have a hard time with shots sometimes.

So we go out and dance, and jeff goes to the bathroom, and i'm dancing and talking to different people, and it's kind of fun, because I feel like.....most of the people out there can't really dance, they're just there, and that's fine because I think just the effort is cool, but because I (think) i can dance, I felt, haha, this is dumb, like the queen on the dance floor. I mean it's not like I was the only person there who could dance, but I was having a good time anyway. And I was moving around and dancing with different people, but I don't feel as if I was dancing with people inappropriately.

Anyway, I've lost Jeff, and finally he comes up to me and says he's leaving. It's still pretty early at this point (maybe 1am) and the main DJ's haven't even started spinning yet (the club closes at 4am). So I tell him we should stay a little longer and I kind of start dancing with him. And he says he's going to go, and that I'm going to stay. So we kind of leave the dance floor and are beside it, and I'm telling him that if he really wants to leave that i'll go. And I can tell at this point that something is up with him. He keeps refusing to let me go, and he's asking me if he should leave me money for the cab (cuz I told him I didn't know where our hotel was).

So, of course I wouldn't stay at a club without him, so at this point we're aruging, and I'm trying to pull his arm so we can leave. I tell him I'm leaving and start walking towards the door, and he tells me that he's going to stay then (ouch!). So I take his arm and we're walking out, and I leave the club and i thought he was following behind me but he doesn't come out.

At this point, I don't really know what to do. I don't know if I should panic, be angry, cry...wait out there for him, try to walk back...just start gambling? (haha, although that could have been kind of funny if he finally left and there I was just outside playing slots!) Anyway, while I'm standing there trying to figure out what I should do he comes walking out, and right past me. So I'm trying to keep up with him (in the heels after all) and we're walking back and he's basically trying to lose me in the casino.

There's this part where we're walking down this long corridor and there are walking escalators on the floor (so you can walk through them faster) and it appears to me that we aren't going to get on it, but right as i'm walking past it, jeff hops on the machine and makes this face at me. This terrible, fake, bitchy, "so there" smile at me. And it's so immature and hurtful....we finally get back to the hotel and we climb in bed not talking to each other. Finally we're talking/arguing and i'm crying and blah blah blah. Basically he was jealous while we were at the club because i was dancing with other guys.

According to him I was all over everyone. He *knows* I like to dance and move around and talk to a lot of people (guys and girls), it's the club atmosphere. If there aren't any dancers to keep me entertained to watch I just dance around and talk to people who are out on the floor. I mean you can barely move anyway, so why not talk? I admit I'll let a guy touch me (on my hips or something, no where really inappropriate) while we're dancing together, but i don't touch anyone. And I don't stay with anyone for a long time because for the most part I like to dance by myself because i need room. But, i guess to jeff i'm all over guys, and i can understand how that would be disrespectful, etc. But he says it's okay if i want to dance with other people...

I mean to me, I'm not dancing with anybody, I'm just dancing. Other people...are almost like props. I couldn't tell you what one guy looked like that I was dancing with. I can tell you no one was really goodlooking (i might remember that ;) Haha, I'm attacted to (to go over and dance beside them) guys who can either dance really well, or people who aren't dancing at all. If they can dance well I feed off their energy. If they aren't dancing, I'll try to go over and make them dance, or make them feel a little more comfortable moving around (I figure if you're going to stand on teh dance floor at least move around don't just take up space). So that is my only motivation to really be dancing with any of these guys, it has nothing to do with wanting to "get on them" or "leave jeff" or any other thought he may be having.

I think...that the only option I really have is to not dance with anyone. And he says it's okay, but because this has happened before...it's not okay. I cried for a long time that night. Mostly because i was hurt that he tries to purposely hurt me sometimes. Like when he was trying to lose me in the casino....it's one thing to be angry, and it's one thing to hurt someone accidentally, but to actually know what you're doing, and to do and say things that you know will hurt the other person...it's a terrible feeling. And it does make me wonder about things, because do I really want to be with someone who can and does do things like that?

Even after it felt like we both understood what had happened, and he explained that he was an "angry drunk", he still wouldn't touch me all night long. In the morning he apologized and he practically looked sick to his stomach he was so sorry. We had to leave that morning at 6am, so it did suck we had to leave Vegas with such a downer mood.

I finally decided I'm going to live on campus for the summer. It should be an interesting experience, I hope it'll be worth it. I can't really decide if this will be a lot of fun, or just a terrible waste of money. It's not really a necessary, so to spend so much extra money....but I'm hoping it will give me a summer full of experiences, just of going out and being with friends and Jeff. It should be fun, i hope!

I need to talk about last night, because it was pretty scary. Well, after work I was over at Jeff's house and we decided we were going to stay in and drink some wine. So we're about a bottle and a half into it when his roommate comes in and said that it would be a perfect time to get high. I don't think I really talked about it in here yet, but ever since spring break i've been getting high. Sometimes it's a few times a week, and others i go a couple weeks without it. But last night it had been awhile, and I take the chance whenever i can (although talking about weed is a whole diary entry in itself).

It's just such a great...time killer? I mean, you can just sit around and be perfectly content. Since I don't really like drinking, weed is such a great alternative for me. Especially since his roommate just lets us (jeff and I) smoke for free, so it saves money too over going out. So, even though I've been drinking, I decide to take a hit off the bong.

Well...i'm never doing that again. The last time I drank and smoked I was pretty messed up, but nothing scary, just kind of whoa high. Well...last night, like Jeff put it, i was talking like I had taken a really bad acid trip.

And I felt like it. I was delusional, paranoid. There were all these voices in my head, and stories, I kept thinking I was in a movie or a story, and there were people and then there wasn't. I was walking around trying not to be so weird and trying to make myself stop freaking out, but it didn't help. I remember at one point I was outside on their porch, and god, I was scared. I thought someone was going to come up on the porch and attack me. I remember lying on the couch trying so hard to keep my thoughts sane and to stop all the paranoid thoughts I was having, but I was so frightened.

I ended up throwing up, I felt like I was spinning, everything, my blood, my mind, the thoughts, the room. I felt really...not good. I can remember jeff's eyes, looking at me, it was a look of....fear, disgust, concern...terrible. He looked like he didn't know if he should help me or just try to get away, like i was repulsive. He kept telling me I was being so weird, which didn't help because I already knew I was all whacked out. I needed support...help, I didn't need him telling me I was a freak.

Finally after throwing up a couple of times, I went to sleep with all my clothes on. Jeff wouldn't touch me all night long, or even say anything to me this morning when I left. He called me later today to make sure I was fine. He still seemed...kind of scared of me. He said he was really worried and almost took me to the hospital. I don't think I would have let him take me. I knew I was messed up, but it also felt like I just needed time to sober up. I don't know if I was even drunk necessarily when I started smoking...but after two glasses I am kind of tipsy, so maybe after 3.5 I was already getting drunk. Bleh, not a good experience. And I feel...weird knowing I was doing all these creepy things.

Like, his roommate must think I'm so strange if my boyfriend is having trouble even looking at me! So I was just talking to Jeff on IM, and I asked him if I could go out with him, and he said he wanted to get drunk and would stay out late, so if I was going to be weird I couldn't come out. And I mean....I don't know if I'm just internalizing it or what, but I felt like he kept saying that I was weird and and so strange (not that I was "acting") these things, but that I just AM these things, and it kind of hurt my feelings. I mean, believe me, my behavior scared me, and I knew I was pretty whacked out, but I don't want someone telling me that i'm scary and they don't want to be with me for fear that "side" might come out again. I mean, it wasn't "me" it was the drugs that did it.

I don't know. So I kind of feel hurt about the situation right now. I don't know if I should go out and drink either. Maybe I should just take it easy. Maybe I'll just go home. But I want to be with Jeff. I just feel really embarressed about the situation. Bleh.

bye.