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tuesday fest, hot tub, kiss jeff, 70s theme, considering boyfriend situation

12 May 2000

I could go for a nice bowl of peanut M&M's right now. Couldn't you?

Okay. Where to start? Keep back-tracking? I'll go from Tuesday. I woke pretty good, and seriously I was getting 5 hours of sleep which really isn't *that* bad comparatively. Of course I wasn't drinking and dancing for hours beforehand, but yeah, whatever.

Manage to sneak in a nap after my early class, and sleep right through lunch, yadda yadda, cuz who needs it, ya know? Well, actually I do. :) I'm like clockwork to get my meals, hungry or not. But strangely an apple and a bowl of pretzels did me right fine. I thought that was cool.

I was a lot more excited to go out tuesday, because I had so much fun the night before. Also, Tuesday was our designated night with Sigma Chi. It was 70s themed. Luckily someone in my hall hooked me up with a sexy mid-drift halter top, and I supplied a cute head band, convenienty strapped around the middle of my forehead giving me that oh so 70s look--I have super stick straight blond hair. But anyway. Tight blue jeans and a mid-drift. I figured even if I didn't look 70s, I had to still look good!

And I did.

Haha, I'm so conceited. Okay, moving on. (I'm running on two hours of sleep as I write this, so forgive me, I can't think straight!) Head on over to a pre-party that's still going on. It's held at "my man"'s apartment. It's so hot, I'm like dying there. Everyone looks so cute dressed up and everything though. I hook up with a nasty beer, but then quickly find myself taking a couple shots of my fave stuff in the world. (I don't know what it's called though, that cinnamy, gold chips floating in it..uh, stuff. goldslonger (sp. ha!) but you know, that's the drift of it all. Drink some of my beer, and then we held on over to the frat house.

Down in the basement again, plenty of dancing. Jeff is all super cute signaling for me to come dance him and such, and we do. A lot. We take breathers from time to time outside on this awesome back porch. In a drunken state of random-ness he decides we should get in the hot-tub. Of course, I don't care how drunk I am, I'm not getting into a hot tub with my clothes on. But I compromise by rolling up my jeans and stick my legs in it, and he does the same. But then someone runs by and pushes him in, and he begs me to join him.

okay, so maybe I *am* drunk enough to go in hot tub with my clothes on. In the famous aglaia's fck it moment, I go on in. Nice and toasty. Of course, now you've got us in this incredibly sexual situation. We're all wet. We're all alone. And I stand up in the deep of it, just kind of facing him where he's sitting and he pulls me in for a kiss.

And I'm kissing him.

I know I shouldn't be, but his lips are so rich, and are tongues were just melting into each other. But even so, I wasn't completely committing myself to the action. More there in body, than in mind, I suppose, because I know. I know I shouldn't be. I know I just cheated on my boyfriend by doing it. I know I've been cheating on him, the moment I picked Jeff out of the crowd and was suggestively dancing with him. So I kind of pull away, exclaim "welp!" and decide to go back in. It wasn't so completely shady, but either way my "hot ticket" got picked up my one of my sisters once back to the dance floor, and I just freestyled with my other girls for the rest of the night.

Story goes they were getting jiggy with it on the floor. I adore Julia, fab girl. (And I was jealous?) So a night or so ago, I was lying in bed just thinking about my situation and what I did, and so. Well, actually, it was just yesterday afternoon. Truthfully, I didn't feel like I cheated, because it wasn't....okay, I mean it was a good kiss, but it wasn't a real kiss to me, if that makes sense. There's an emotional giving when you kiss someone for real. You feel it not only on your lips but through the rest of your body as well. I never let it go, it never went any further than just an emotionally disconnected kiss. While still cheating in essance, I hadn't given any part of me to him through that kiss.

I wanted to.

I really did. But I didn't. No suprise really, it's a common joke among the friends that aglaia is a lip slut. I'd say I can't help it, even though I can, but I guess the problem is that...okay, no justifications, I'm a slut, and that's about it. ;)


Wendesday sucked. We got to this restaurant (but the part we were in was like the coolest club set-up, for real.) So nice place, but we got there too early, which totally killed the atmosphere for me for the rest of the night. Was there to see OAR play, but basically I was too tired to care, to hot to stand around. So I left and got to bed just a little after midnight.


Last night was good. I didn't call my acting partner (guilty, guilty!) cuz we were supposed to practice, cuz I was really hungering for some low-key me time. I was sick of having to plan around all these events. I tried taking a nap, but it didn't work so I just read my recent pleasure book--Contact. Then I worked out, watched The Professional on TV, and then this stupid "strip poker" USA show. I sat there and watched the whole thing, I was completely horrified with myself afterwards. ;)


Me and Heidi head up at midnight for the party. It was so hot. I think I'm going to wear a skirt tonight, it's so miserable in there. You know, a basement full of dancing people, only a few small windows, and it's already pretty warm outside here. So we get there and pop open our beers, and I'm looking at it and think, "nah." So I put it down, and decide I'll just go alcohol free tonight. I don't need it.

Dancing lady! Seriously, it should be old by now....practically the same music, same setting, same look a like people dancing and such....but nope, still had a blast. Hehe. I'm so glad I have Heidi. We can just dance and dance, and be completely happy with it. Heidi, usually the one to sip her beer slowly, was chugging them down. (I don't know, to make up for me not drinking? HA!)

I go upstairs to grab some water, and we see some fellow fuzzies come in. Glance at my watch and realize we've been dancing for over an hour. See, I don't need alcohol to have fun. I'm sorry, I know it's true, I don't know why I need to continually prove it to myself. I guess, maybe, part of me is scared that if I always include alcohol in these settings, that it'll become such a habit that if I took it out of the situation I wouldn't know what to do with myself. So we're downstairs dancing. Earlier on I bumped into Jeff, and did tell him that if they were setting up shots that I wanted to know about it, and he finds me and is like "c'mon, they have a shot room!"

I'm kind of laughing and dragging Heidi with me. Just a few minutes before I was applauding my non-alcoholic efforts and then I was about to trample it. Oh well.

They had these...sort of tasted like liquid jollyranchers with alcohol. I had 3 of 'em. Later...I had another. And I also had a beer. So I'm moving those numbers up, huh?


Heidi is pulling me around to find her man--Josh. Who is absolutely gorgeous. Soo my type too. Just enough piercings on this pretty boy face, with lil cork screw blond hair. Loving it. Go Heidi. So he's not really her man, we just met him at our TG the other week, and seems she made a good impression. Me on the otherhand, I don't think he likes me. I was pretty (yeah) at the TG so I do believe I was kind of hanging on him in a pathetic way. Totally unresponsive to my flirtatious offense. Probably better huh. Seeing I uh, have a boyfriend and all. Sigh.

The coquette in me, obviously refuses to die no matter what the circumstances. Read: no self control..

That's not true. I have plenty of self-control. Sometimes I just choose not to exercise it. :) Besides, was it not my lovely acting teacher's advice to go out and experience as many situations as possible (so as to bring to your acting life)? I'm just trying to experience. Uh huh.


So Jeff is going in and out of the room, and eventually I catch up with him on the same square of the dance floor. Figure I can go off and dance with him, without being shady to Heidi, since we have other sisters there for her to hang with. Dancing nancies....I swear, I'm such a slut, I would have gone off with him anywhere he wanted. I'm just a hormone-induced, sexually repressed teenage girl. I also have an incredibly active imagination, so I had already previously fantasized out these scenarios, which I know is terrible, but I just...i know, i know.

We kiss a couple times on the dance floor, but not for long. Don't want any witnesses ;) No, I just, well first I'm not one to PDA, and also, uh, i shouldn't. Did want to, did want to, we were just two balls of fire, wanting to collide. We go outside and chill in the front for a real long time. Just talking about...whatever, it was real nice. He's a design major. Nice. We kid around with each other a lot, it was cute.


I know it doesn't make sense, but I mean, like, when I think about Chris, I want to be with him. I wish he was here, and if he was in town, I'd want to go out with him. At the same time, I do like Jeff. I haven't really let myself....enjoy liking him, cuz most definitly first meeting someone is the most exciting part, and although my actions might not show it, I've really been awfully reserved. HA! I can just imagine that hot tub scene if I didn't have a boyfriend!!! oh baby. hehe, j/k. But seriously, if I didn't have anything holding me back, we probably would have been going at it on the dance floor. I'm really attracted to him.

It's hard. When I'm with Chris, it's awesome. Everytime we see each other just builds on this intimacy level (not even sexually, just emotionally and as friends) and it's so great to feel it happening. To actually feel yourself getting so close with someone, and know they feel the same way about you as you to them.

But I admit, it isn't under my most desirable conditions. I'd really rather be dating someone in my age bracket...at least still in school, and definitly someone who *goes* to my school, right there on campus with me. I mean, truthfully I'm kept busy during the week, that even if Chris worked in Columbus we probably...no I scratch that, we probably would see each other a lot. But you know, the long distance thing is always a factor.

You know and I would say, maybe I've enjoyed these past 8 months of dating people in and out, off and on, all non-exclusively that it's hard to give that freedom up, but--it's not even so much like that. Because, say, when I was with Ryan I did just want to be with him. I wanted to just be with *him* because I wanted to see him more. When you like someone you want to spend time with each other, and also with exclusivity comes the window to open up, create a trusting relationship, as well as a sense of intimacy.

And it doesn't seem right for you to be getting physical with someone and then going and seeing someone else. I don't know if that's all socially programmed, or if there's some good truth to it. Obviously for health reasons you wouldn't want to, and also, although I believe it's hugely societal (did I just make that word up? ;) jealousy or the sense of MINE! ME! ME! ME! is innately human nature. I think you can approach the ego, and take it on. Most definitly. It's more about standing back and looking at your situation to undestand it.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm trying to say. I think, I'm not trying to say that me and Jeff would form something say, if I didn't have a boyfriend, but it almost does seem that you shouldn't necessarily be barred because of it. It all goes back to the ideology of One Just as I am merely one facet of Him, so it is in our relationships with other people. I get something different from talking and dancing with Jeff than I do with Chris. And both our good. I'm committed to Chris, but I think it reminds me of marriages that go bad. It's not that you can't be with your wife/husband, just that I think we need more from people than from what one person can supply. By being with other people, I think it can actually strengthen your relationship you have with your mate. And "being" doesn't have to imply sex. I think somewhere along the line, we got confused and started believing in this one on one idea, and truthfully we are seperating ourselves from people. People.

Seperating ourselves from God.

It all relates. I always end up here, don't I? Does it matter? The continuous loop, our figure 8, our eternity, eternally.






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