Jeff and I are not doing well. I'm not sure when we last saw each other. Maybe Monday. We usually see each other every night and when we don't it causes tension. I was hoping this would be relieved when we would live together but maybe it wouldn't.

I am beginning to notice that I am more and more intolerant of being with other people. I just don't have the patience to put on a happy face and fake it when I could care less to be in someone's company. I know I have a large need for personal time to be at my best, functioning self. I am increasingly cranky, moody, and just feel all the more overwhelmed with life.

I recognize that part of it is escapism but I don't know how else to cope with the stress from my job and unhappiness with living at home. So I find myself acting as a hermit in my room. Of course I enjoy spending time with Jeff but even then if I don't have time to simply be when I come home from work, I don't feel like hanging out with him, because mentally I'm zapped.

Usually I go over there anyway and we end up having unproductive 'couple' time where we stare mindlessly at a tv or go to sleep. Can either of us be getting much out of this relationship right now? I can't see how.

I know looking at the big picture we are both the type to internalize things which increase our moodiness and general dissatisfaction with things. I like my job and the work I do but I know I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed and when I look at my work load and feel myself completely behind (and not b/c i'm slacking, but simply b/c no human being could do it all) I just turn into a mess.

I know I need to stop accepting work, or admit I can't do it all but...I really have no idea who else could be doing it either. It's a tiny office. We all do too much. My supervisor is also a bit scatterbrained b/c of the overload so I feel better knowing it's not just me who's slipping, but it doesn't change the fact that work is sitting there untouched as I get other things done and deal with the constant flow of new things to do.

This is life.

I know Jeff is incredibly unhappy with work. I know he feels defeated in the fact that he cannot get a job. His self-esteem is low. He's confused, desperate and probably a little lonely b/c all of his friends have jobs. They may not be the greatest of jobs but everyone seems to be doing well. His best friend doesn't care for his job...but he just bought a house...and a new car...and a new bike....

Not only does he have to deal with work and the awful office politics that come along with it, but he also has to deal with the normal stress of living at home. His parents are a whole lot better than mine, so maybe he doesn't have the in-fighting that we do, but he still has to fight against the disapointment of simply living there and feeling that your life is not getting better or going in any direction.

He is too smart and too talented to be where he is. If there is something I could do to help him...I wish I knew what it was.

What would help? I eventually decided not to support him by just moving somewhere (out of the state). While he pleaded with me (and made me feel pretty bad about it at times) I think he understood that what he was asking me to do wasn't fair. It may not have been fair for me to deny him that opportunity to move* (*just moving together, I always supported him moving in general, even if that had to be on his own) but this wasn't a black and white decision.

In my opnion, Jeff needs to be more aggressive with his job search. He needs to actually read some books on "how to find a job" b/c there were tons of things I learned that I would have never come to on my own just by doing a general search. He needs to practice his interviewing skills and he needs to be more active in participating in "information interviews" to get critical feedback on his resume, interview and portfolio. I don't know if they have temp. positions for designers but he should consider all of his options.

He needs to be actively building a network of people that can help him find contacts.

And yes, none of this is easy...I mean, in those 3 months I was job searching, I felt pretty defeated. You start to really doubt yourself and your ability. After a year ++ of this, I can see why Jeff would be as he is today. Especially, having that internalized personality of his.

And now he's talking about moving to Chicago for 3 weeks staying with a couple of different friends he has...will that work? Maybe. I just feel like he needs to have a better plan of action. Contigency plans. Start asking those what if's and create specific to-do's, follow-ups. He needs to know what he wants if he DOES find a job. He needs to know what he wants if he finds NOTHING while he's there. He needs to figure out what he wants from ME regardless of the scenario that ends up happening.

He hasn't really asked me or told me what he would like from me. So, I've made my own plans. I don't know if he expects me to also just "move" with him at some point (whether he has a job or not). I just don't know. And when I tried to talk to him about his plans, his ideas I pretty much got "..." from him. The boy has some loose plans but for me (and maybe that's the meeting planner in me) I would want to know the specifics!

If you're just going to quit your job and go squat with friends you really need to know what the hell you're doing to get the most out of your time. He did say he wanted to have a huge pre-planned list of companies, organizations and possibly people he would want to meet and talk with once there but....I don't know, since he never talks about that stuff with me, I have no idea if he's even done this or not.

When we spend time together...I don't want to say it's a chore, because that conjurs up all the wrong emotions. But it does feel more like a duty than something that I take pleasure in. I find myself more and more hoping "oh, I hope that's not him!" when the phone rings everynight. And not because I dislike him or want to ignore him, but because I feel desperate to claim some of that time that can just be for me. Time that I can do whatever I want--whether it's cleaning my room, reading a book, checking my email or anything.

And it feels like he's calling everyday and I'm just...god, I feel bad saying it but...leave me alone! I don't understand why he wants to hang out with me either? Because I don't see how he's getting anything out of it. I KNOW I enjoy our time together so much more if it's every few days rather than every single second. Yes, I can spend every single minute with him and enjoy myself, but....when I'm stressed at work (and right now, it's pretty bad) I've got too much going on to be with other people.

It's not just Jeff, it's anyone. I'm stressed to the max and wiped out. I'm suffering from severe headaches, my painful heart palpatiations are happening everyday and I feel like crap. Being at work...some days it takes a lot of energy just to ask pleasant and normal, and I'd like to scream at them too to leave me alone.

When clients come to take us out of lunch I wish they'd just leave. I've got to much to do to go sit around and shoot the shit. When the other employees do group lunches out somewhere I know I'm playing MY office politics by declining the invitation but it's like....I'd much rather spend my lunch (if I even take a break...which frequently doesn't happen) clinging to my "me time" to try to re-charge. Hanging out with people...without purpose, I've never liked doing.

:(

Argh, now I feel all charged up and cranky. I guess my point it is...I feel bad when I talk to my parents about Jeff b/c they're hearing this one-sided opinion that is coming from the mouth of one cranky, zapped girl. I mean, I wouldn't care for Jeff much too if this is all you heard about him.

It does hurt that I know my parents are not supportive of him. I mean, it's mostly coming from my mom...but now that I am beginning to understand my mom now...she pretty much tears you down with her version and her viewpoint and you're pretty convinced when she's done that she's right and someone else is wrong (frequently that "someone else" being you, hah.)

So. I have all these negative emotions flowing through me and then I think about Jeff. I think...Jeff is probably too zapped from his work misery to really focus on me. I'm too zapped in my own simple trauma work life to really focus on him.

It feels right now, between us, so empty. I was lying in bed this afternoon trying to think of things that I like about him, trying to think of good not negative. It was a challenge. It felt...cold and detached. If I thought of a good quality it was like, nothing hummed inside of me, I was just making a grocery list.

I haven't felt really loved by him in so long that I can't even remember what it is I love about him. I know he has to feel the same way. What have I done in this relationship to make him feel any more appreciated or wanted? What are we doing?

I know relationships take work. Sometimes the work will be fun, or challenging and sometimes the nature of the work will change. I know all relationships ebb. I know people change. I know relationships can take new directions.

What I must figure out now--is what do I want? I feel so detached and unemotional I am having a hard time breaking down my own inner wall. The thought of seeing Jeff just sounds scary. I'm scared to see him to find out where we are and where he wants us to be.

What am I going to say to him.

...

Hey, can we go downstairs to talk? I know we both have been dealing a lot with what's been going on in our own lives. It hurts to watch you crumble, to see you so sad and upset with your job and your job search. I wish there was something I could do, because I know how good you are.

I know I get stressed easily. I know I take too much on at work and I don't know how to say no. And I know when I'm like this, I'm walking around in this constant state of worry and I don't know how to deal with it. I hide in my room and hate everyone for bothering me.

You said you wake up angry with the world. I wake up in fear that someone will ask me to do something else or ask about how a project is coming a long. I want to hide.

But, even with all that...I *do* like my job and the people I work with. I feel challenged (although sometimes too much) and I feel good knowing that they have confidence in me to do the tasks they assign me. I wish you had that at work.

I know, both of us, dealing with these things...it hurts our relationship. Living at home...it hurts our relationship. And I mean, I know you laughed when I mentioned dream baskets but I do want to make plans for our future. I do want to get excited about what's in store and what we can do and accomplish together.

I love you. I love you so much. And I have the hardest time looking at you when I'm hurting because I'm so scared to see what is looking back at me. I feel so insecure sometimes in our relationshiop. I feel like, you go into these dark moods where you are working something out in your head, and I know that's just something you do. But when you leave...when you go to that dark space, I am so alone.

And I miss you. And I feel like I don't exist and I don't mean anything. I know that's not true...but when you disappear I can't shake that feeeling. And during that time all these doubts and fears come up inside of me. And I don't have the answers to make them go away. I just have more questions.

I think we could be really happy together. But I'm not very happy now and I know I'm not making you happy either. I'm not unhappy, Jeff...but something is missing. I feel like we're going nowhere. It hurts so bad to even say that aloud, but it feels true. What can we do to make it better?

What can *I* do to give more?

I just don't feel like we have any common intersts. I still feel like we have these perfectly meshing personalities but I don't feel like I have anything to offer you. Everything I do...I feel like I'm disappointing you.

Like going out...going out drinking was only fun when I was out with girls trying to pick up guys, because we were there with a purpose or a "potential" for purpose. I don't really care to drink. And just sitting around with people that I don't know that well and don't have any shared knowledge to dicuss...yes, I'm bored. I don't like going out because for me, drinking in itself, is not a purpose. I know, I know, you don't go for the alcohol, you go to be with friends, BUT the drinking...the drinking is fun or else you all wouldn't do it.

I like going out to dinner with people...yes, to be with friends, but I also enjoy dining out. I LIKE that experience. If I hated eating out...even if I liked being with friends I wouldn't do that either.

...

I am bored when I go out...and that makes me all the more aware of how boring I am. The problem is, is that I don't think I am that boring (er, la la la). It's just the topics I could get passionate about aren't even on their radar, or at least if they are, it's never come up before. I like talking about philosophy or what's going on in the world, or books. I mean, I love to read! I read so many books and they get me thinking about so many different things...and I never really can express them because Jeff doesn't read anything.

I don't want to talk about my job that no one really understands (I don't understand your's). People talk about each other, but I don't know any of their friends or shared experiences to join in the conversation. I mean...sure, I am boring, I'm not involved with my community or have a lot of other activities I participate in...but neither does anyone else. They're boring too.

I don't want to feel boring around Jeff. I don't want to feel bored around jeff either. And sometimes, going over to his house...it's comforting and I like being held and just peacefully watching TV or what not...but, it's not exactly thrilling or entertaining. I fall asleep a lot because I'm not actively engaged (er, bored). Plus, I do need 8 hours of sleep so I'm not staying up 'til 2 just because anymore. I'm too stressed and busy at work to not be functioning right! Or, if I want to work out in the morning, that means I have to go to bed all the more earlier.

I feel bad. I'm trying to think of things I could do to improve...but, I'm bored. People bore me most of the time. So yeah, I'd rather go and do something off on my own. People exhaust me. "Normal" behavior is exhausting and boring too.

The problem is....is that I do like people. And I'm lonely. I'm really lonely.

So where are all the people I can talk to?