11 December 2003

Ow. It's been awhile. You haven't missed much. I have joined the massess in working life.

You go. You work. You come home.

(Wash & repeat.)

It'd be different if I went out. It'd be different if I wasn't "married." It'd be different if I wasn't living at home? I don't know about the latter, that may actually be keeping it interesting. I'm just so used to living at home I don't think too much about it. Until when I'm asked where I live. And then all of a sudden it's like yes...I'm young and unprofessional--I live with my parents.

I know I look young. I used to get asked if I was going to Prom this year from the people I'd be serving at the restaurant. Or sometimes they'd ask if I was graduating....from high school. Nope, that's college.

It's okay, now that I begin to "age" I will take great pleasure in young skin. It's all good. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm pretending to be a Victoria's Secret girl dressing up at work because everyone else is wearing dated "mom" clothes and i'm fitted and contemporary. Or that sometimes I catch myself saying "that sucks" or "oh yeah? That's cool!" and thinking, hmmm, I probably shouldn't be using those words.

Even today at work when the president took us out to lunch I felt *so* young. Hey, is it bring your daughter to work day?. Conversation surrounded teenage children and grandchildren. At one time they were all nodding their head about disciplining their children and all I was thinking was, "Aww, man, you do that to your kid too! That's the worst!"

Lol.

When I talk about something that happened when I was "young" I think they must think that happened yesterday because what could be younger? I'm referring to when I was 8 or 12 and they're talking about being 30.

But even with all the age difference I really do like the people I work with. There's one woman who is very spunky and fun and even though we'd probably never "hang out" or what not (her daughter is older than I am!) she keeps things fun in the office. And sure, I have to smile and nod when my supervisor goes on off long tangents about decorating her house or doing crafts with her little ones, I still think I got pretty lucky with the crowd I work with.

My work load comes in cycles as I'm sure most people's do. Occasionally I'll have day or two overloads where I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I'll think I don't *really* have anything to do (as in no immediately ending projects--there's always something to do!)

I have my employee review tomorrow. I guess they always have one this time of the year. I'm not sure how much I'll have to provide seeing as I have only been there three months but it should still go well. I don't think I've revamped anything or been wonderfully perfect, but from the feedback I get from everyone I must be doing a pretty good job.

It's hard to tell if I'm doing things good or if the person before me did it so poorly anything better is a job well done. I'll just assume I'm brilliant so it must be me. ;) (j/k).

I have gained seven pounds since I started working there. Crazy isn't it? I think it's a combination of things. One, not serving--I think my body was used to getting a lot of extra calorie burning from walking around the restaurant. I was there 4-5 times a week on my feet for at least 6 hours at a time, sometimes running! I guess that makes sense my body would have to adjust. Two, all the sweets I was consuming at work certainly weren't helping. It is frustrating because when I started work I was already working out at least five times a week, so it's kind of like what more do you want from me?

I'm at the gym for usually around an hour and to be honest I can't dedicate any more time to the gym than that. So, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I'm trying really hard to get myself on Plan. I say "Plan" because it's a life Plan to change my eating habits and lifestyle. I am hoping I can keep it up but who knows. It's hard to change everything overnight. It's weird trying to deal with weight after never having to deal with it ever. Not even thinking about it. Now it consumes me, and I hate that.

I realized the other day that the way men think about sex is probably the way I think about food. And I told Jeff that and he stared back at me in disbelief and said that I couldn't possibly think about sweets that often. And i know, it is hard to believe and I didn't even realize I thought about it THAT much until I really began to think about my relationship with sweet foods as an addiction. If I am not focused in something (say, a television show, book, working on something that requires a good portion of my mind) I am thinking about sweet foods.

Isn't that awful? And then it dawned on me that maybe that's how much boys think about sex. And *that* must be awful too! No wonder guys want sex so much. I understand their "weak minds" (haha, sorry guys, I know you're not all like that) because now I recognize my own "weak mind" when it comes to sweets. There is no moderation. There is EAT, EAT, EAT! And I'm so deliriously happy when I get it. Boy, guys must feel so amazingly satisfied when they have sex if they experience what I do when I am eating ice cream or chocolate.

And I know this must sound terribly stupid or psycho but it's true and I think a lot of people, women especially would recognize this in themselves if they really thought about it. It's hard to think about....well thinking about it, but it's such a natural part of your life you don't even realize where your thoughts are.

I used to think I thought about sex frequently. But if I thought about sex as much as I do sweets...whew, I can't even imagine.

Speaking of sex....it's still infrequent and I used to feel that when we did have sex it filled jeff's "love tank" (You have to read the book Love Languages to understand) to a point that our relationship would be good until it had been awhile, and then when we had sex it would be okay again. I don't feel like it's working that great.

Jeff is...depressed I think living at home. It's definitly eating away at him more than it's bothering him. And as our March "pack up and leave" date begins to get closer I feel pangs of panic in my heart.

I don't want to leave my job.

Why am I randomly leaving my job to go strand myself homeless and jobless in a state across the country from my family and friends with not more than a couple thousand dollars?

Er, why again? And I know Jeff has assured me we'd have a place to stay, I still kind of feel like that means that he has a place to stay. Not me. I'm sure if I was stopping by for a weekend it wouldn't be so bad to deal with Jeff and the girlfriend, but....it took me three months to find a job after I graduated. What makes Jeff so sure I'll snag one right up once we're there? I know he's had a couple of friends move out there and they found jobs relatively quickly but....

I don't know. It makes me uneasy. It doesn't mean I don't want to move at all but....the longer I'm at my job the more I want to see how the process unfolds.

I came into a project mid-finished. I am going to definitly stay through February so I can see how our conference plays out, but it would be great to stay on for at least another year to improve on what I learned from the previous year--you know? And I used to think that I would get "stuck" in this city if I never left. And, ok, I still that could very well be true. And sadly, a part of me thinks, "that'd be okay."

I watch my grandparents ailing and although I'm not close to either of my grandmothers, I am close to my parents and to know that I should enjoy this time I have with them while I can. It makes me sad that I would be leaving them. It's so easy to fall apart from someone. Look at my friends. I barely know any of them. I know my family well.

When I move out, will I anymore?

But the question, will I know them even if I moved out but stayed in the area? I don't know. It would certaintly make me enjoy family gatherings a little more I think.

On a completely random note, I was thinking the other day how I am with relationships. That Aglaia flaw where I have trouble developing them past a select one or two--would I be like that if I had kids? Would a child suck away all my energy, time, and love? Would I in the process of knowing my child would I somehow neglect Jeff (er, haha, assuming he would be the father of course)? And a part of me worries I might. That I have trouble splitting my attention. It would really depend on the involvement of the father.

If the father was really involved we would grow as a couple, as a family. Or, if the father isn't involved...I mean someone has to nurture and take care of child, and assuming that is mom, of course that could split up a relationship. Oh I hope we're the former.

AND, speaking of children. I realized today that the way my mom is--completely critical of everything you do...she is going to be terribly hurtful when we (all of us kids) have kids. And I don't intend that to be mean because I know she would do it with good intentions and even, ahem, be right about everything she would criticize, but it's like, damn does she know everything?

I feel like sometimes I never just get to do it my way and learn. It's always I did something and messed up. I hate saying that, I know my mom loves me and my family so much. That she puts all of us before herself denying so much to give to us, and I don't want to be an ungrateful child, but....she is so critical. I mean, if I would do the dishes on a night that's not mine (something I would consider helpful and nice) she would probably comment that I was loading the dishwasher wrong, or that I missed a dish. And that's not completely fair, she'd probably say thanks, but there'd be a "but."

Shudder, she'll be terrible when we have kids. I mean, I think she'll be a wonderful guide and resource and a fantastic grandmother as far as involvement/love goes, but when it comes to just letting us be parents....I can see it now.

Well, it's bedtime for me. BTW, did anyone listen to Howard Stern today (12/11) this morning? Ahh, I was laughing *so* hard. It was probably one of the most un-PC shows ever. They were playing Hollywood Squares with these horribly clashing personalities (for example, there was a "gay basher" christian crusader, KKK member and their counterparts....the super gay man and a black man). Anyway, the things that came out of these people's mouths, absolutely rediculous. It makes you sick when you realize that these extreme communities really exist. (er, then there's me laughing at it all)

But isn't all humor just some cruel joke?