14 February 2003

Grr, my stomach does not feel good; it's emotionally ill. Jeff and I have been...weird the last couple of days. It appears to be typical boy PMS.

Thankfully, I have escaped my usual PMS-ness this week. I didn't cry once, AND I had a paper/presentation due, so that's amazing! No stomach aches, headaches, backaches either. But I have felt completely sleep deprived even though i was getting my usual (although that really isn't enough in itself).

Sleep being the root of my relationship problem. Well, that and lack of sex, but I'll explain.

Jeff and I spent every late evening together this week, but we really didn't do much. It's kind of...frustrating, because he always makes me come to his house to hang out...which I don't have that much of a problem doing, because he has couches and such in his room, so we can just hang and have privacy too. But, if often seems like i'll come over, and basically I'll sit there watching TV by myself, while he draws or does stuff on his computer.

And even that in itself isn't so bad, I mean we'll still be talking here and there, and it's sort of like spending time together because we're both in the same room, but some nights when I have stuff I could be doing too--I don't want to just sit there and watch boring TV programs by myself--I'm there to be with Jeff!

But anyway, I was really tired Sun-Tues and we went to bed early without really fooling around or what not...and I don't mean that we always make out before we go to sleep, but usually we'll lay in bed just talking and kissing for awhile before we fall asleep, and instead I just went right to sleep, and I don't think he was even tired. Does that make sense?

So, wednesday evening rolls around and I had work, so when I get home I'm over at jeff's and I feel like I'm going to colapse. We're in the middle of watching Traffic--ahem, I'm watching Traffic and he's drawing and I'm ready to just roll over and fall asleep. I can tell he's not tired, but having got very little sleep the past three days I was really tired.

And I can tell he's annoyed that I want to go to sleep, but hey, what can I do? So I tell him I'm exhausted and i have to go to sleep, either there at his place, or he can come back with me. So he comes back, and he pretty much refuses to hold me, or let me throw an arm around him or anything.

So the next day I'm thinking, okay I *have* to have sex with him or it's going to get bad. And usually we could sleep in on thursdays (when I say sleep in, I mean lay in bed til 1pm+!) but I have to get up around 11, because I have a group meeting later on in the day which I wasn't prepared for at all.

So I wake up at 11am, and Jeff is still sleeping, so I try to "get him in the mood" as I figure I could probably get up around noon and be fine, but it's pretty much useless, because he's ignoring me. I kiss every part of his body, massaging his legs and his back, and I get nothing. Finally I try to just hold him, but he pretty much shuffles away until I'm not touching him, and we just lay there until noon. Or at least I do, maybe he sleeps. Finally, I tell him I'm getting up, and he's welcome to continue sleeping, but he doesn't. He gets up and leaves.

That evening I sit down to watch Survivor and typically this has been our show to always watch together so I give him a call and invite him over. Once again he doesn't want to come to me, but he does invite me to his place. So I finish my dinner and go over to his place.

Of which for the most part I sit on his couch by myself while he's on the computer. He does come over to hold me for awhile, but he won't stop messing with my nipples (haha, but this is an ongoing problem ;) I'm just a really sensitive person in general, and that's fine if he wants to play with my breasts, but he does not leave my nipples alone, and they get so sensitive at points where I actually feel the sensation of them being pinched or pricked, which is really painful. So I keep telling him to stop but he keeps doing it. Then he's pinching, squeezing, and flicking my nipples, and it's kind of like,

Why the fuck do you keep doing it?

Argh, I mean, haha, you do it a couple of times even though I tell you stop, but don't keep doing it! It was really beginning to make me mad, because he wouldn't, and it was hurting me. And once again, the moment I put any genuine anger into my voice about telling him to stop, he just sat up, and moved to the other couch, not even touching me. And a couple of minutes later he gets up and goes back to his computer.

Once survivor is over I'm just sitting there (la la la) and finally I put on my shoes and tell him I'm leaving. i tell him to call me later if he wants but he doesn't seem to really acknowledge me. So I get home, and I feel...like I always do.

I hate how he can completely run the happiness of our relationship. I mean even if something is bothering me I still try to give it my all, but once something is up with him, I am completely ignored. So I remember how one of his buddies had invited us to come and smoke with him, and I decide to call Jeff and tell him we could do that, if he still wanted to hang out. But I didn't want it to seem like I was calling just so I could get high, so I also told him I would like to do something, but not watch TV, but he doesn't say anything.

I tell him I have some "couple activities" from this book about relationships that I'm reading for one of my class that sound kind of like fun, and he just replies, "I don't care."

So I ask him what's up, and if i'm just being a girl about having concern, and he tells me "no" but doesn't give me any exlanation as to why he's acting as he is. So we sit on the phone for another minute, silent, and finally he says he's going to go.

Whatever.

I don't hear from him all evening, and I end up going to bed around 1:30am. I want to call him, because I do miss him, but at this point I don't really want to be with him when he's boy PMSing.

He does end up calling closer to 2 asking if he can come over to sleep. Okay. When I open the door he just walks right in and doesn't say a thing to me. He walks into my room, takes his clothes off, gets into bed and pulls the covers over his head, not saying a thing.

I mean, alright...that's just as bad as not coming over at all (I don't think we've spent a night without each other in....well maybe there was once over the summer?). So I get into bed and he's cacooned himself with one of the blankets so I can't even touch him, and I just lie there for awhile until I go to sleep.

In the morning he gets up and leaves without saying anything. I tell him to call me when he gets out of class, but who knows if he heard me or cared.

He didn't call.

And actually, i didn't expect him too. But it would have been nice if he could have played along. We were supposed to go skiing today for valentine's day, that's why he was supposed to call. But there is a weather advisory for snow/icy rain in a couple of hours so we probably wouldn't have gone anyway.

So here we are, Valentine's Day, no plans, not really talking, and yes, my stomach is a little uneasy.

It's frustrating because I know he's ignoring me to "punish" me for not giving him the affection he wanted earlier on in the week. I can't remember the last time we had sex, although we've both exchanged sexual favors recently, I suppose it's not the same thing.

It's so hard, I'm only 21, I should be able to get physically aroused, shouldn't I? It's just hard to even practice foreplay, when chances are I'm not going to get wet and we won't be able to have sex anyway. My doctor suggested we use lube, but I mean, I feel like there has to be a greater problem going on. I still find Jeff very attractive, and I do "want" him sexually, but no matter how much my mind wants him, it seems completely random on when my body decides to physically ready itself for sex or not. And it is like impotency, I mean i can understand how a guy would try to not have sex so to not be in that position, and I think that's how I feel a lot of times.

I don't even want to try to have sex, because chances are I'm going to be completely closed up he won't even be able to get his penis inside of me. Which I'm sure frustrates him sexually, but also probably doesn't make him feel that great ego-wise. And it's not him, I just...don't get wet.

But, that's not my excuse this week, I was really tired, and I wasn't trying, because I was exhausted. So when I finally do have the opportunity (thursday morning) he rejects me, because he wants me to know how he feels.

And it's like he's screwing himself twice by acting that way. I can't help it sometimes, but when I am interested and I am trying, don't push me away. It's always like this too. I mean the week before my period, so we're already sexually frustrated, and then we have an automatic week where we can't have sex, and then my drive is completely at it's lowest those few days when my period is over, and ARGH!

There are literally probably only three days of the month where I actually feel like having sex. I enjoy sex a lot, and I like having sex with Jeff, but I can't help it when...I feel completely non-aroused. But here we are, and I feel completely rejected.

I don't care about Valentine's Day, that's not a concern, but it does suck, because I feel as if I'm completely at the whim of Jeff. Whenever he decides to stop ignoring me and finally talk to me that's when things will get better. In the meantime I feel as if I'm in the way, and I'm your typical girl, I want to talk about it now.

So now I'm frustrated and sad. Just waiting on him, and I hate that he's making me feel this way, but what else am I supposed to do?

Three years ago I first began this diary and I started it all off with a poem

Two years ago Jeff was telling me he loved me. Ahh, the memories. :)

One year ago I finally got high, was stressing about life, and enjoying some flirting attention.