1 April 2000

There used to be some sort of romantic, empowering to holding fast to my virginity, to my purity. I came to college, never really experiencing anything....well anything at all. And it seemed to me, that part of it was that my parents did a good job in succeeding to shelter me from bad parties, and potential negativities. The other part, was that I just wasn't interested. Or maybe I was, but never recognized it. It was another sense of power. To say I had lived through my childhood, my HS years without becoming a stain of what youth do. I was good. I was proud, and even a bit of a bragger.

Maybe it was just an attempt to be different. So they drank. So they did drugs. So they partied, had sex and what not, and I wasn't a part of it. And I liked not being a part of it.

Well perhaps I'm lying when it comes to sex, because me and my boyfriend towards the end of my senior year did experiment with oral sex. I'm not sure how pure you can claim yourself to be after that. But no one knew I was doing it, so I was still living the image.

Once in college, I still prided myself on being able to party, to dance, to go out, and not having a sip of alcohol in me. But curiosity overcame, and I would consider myself a light drinker now. I don't do it to fit in, I don't do it to be a part of something, I do it, because I want to, because I like it. I don't have to drink, to have a good time, but I enjoy the buzz if I do. And then I tried drugs. I skipped right over the lower stages, and jumped right into Ecstacy. I liked it. But was still aware of the risks, and the need for moderation and control. Moving right a long the checklist, an old guy friend and I start using each other for peace and comforts, and we start sharing some under the sweater action, as well as more oral experiencing.

It seemed along all the way, that I justified and thought about my actions and what I was doing. I accepted my choices, but they led to more thoughts, and more curiosity.

How exactly did I feel about sex? There are three guys that I was in positions where I was in the position to have sex with. I never did. But I kept on thinking....that I probably would have, would have they persued it. My first, my HS boyfriend, although continually in a mildly pressuring way, to give him head, would repeatedly ask me to wait until I was married to have sex. It almost felt, in away, by begging me to wait, he was begging himself too. He is a Christian, but as you can see, not very structured. To me, if you're having oral sex, how much more bad is it to go on and have real sex? And especially concering it on Christian terms. You're supposed to save your whole self, your whole body for marriage. I dont think the Christian God would look down and say, "aww, it's okay, they're only have oral....." There isn't a a difference in that case. If sex is a sin, then oral is right up there with it.

I'm glad we didn't have sex, too much of that relationship was based on his attraction towards me.

The second was with my old guy friend...who I had actually "gone out" with before, but was too young at the time to make anything of it. He's always liked me, and I've always had friendly feelings towards him, and one day I just gave up on being the cool, coquette that I was, and I kissed him. And that led to more kissing, and more...you get the idea. I'm really surprised we didn't have sex. I'm impressed he had the self-control, because were in great positions to do so. And I probably would have...glad we didn't, but probably would have. I think again, part of it, was the Christian thing. (All these bad Christians, can you believe it? I'm really out there bringing them down!). He said something to me, such like, "It's a good thing we have stronger morals, or this would have been a really interesting night." -->WHAT? Morals? Do you call 69 morals? I think, had I persued that one, we probably would have. I think a lot of that, was he knew I was a virgin, and he didn't want to be stepping over any lines.

The third, was this fascinating guy with whom I grew incredibly close to in the matter of days. Purely non-sexually though. Of course, our mental attraction led to physical attraction, and we never got further than where our hands could take us--he didn't believe in having sex unless if you were in love with the person. That's so wonderful that there's guys like that out there.

Which brings us to now. To here, to me. I thought about it, and felt that ultimately for me (even though I had never had it) that sex was best served with two people in love, because it is the experience of being ONE and feeling & experiencing God. If that means just in marriage, so be it, but I don't think sex should be reserved only for marriage. But where do I stand on casual encounters? I think if you go into it knowing where you stand, and understanding the emotional connection with what you're doing, then sex, then passionate lust, is okay. But how do you know where you really stand, if you're really emotionally ready for it? Do you just turn yourself off, so you can't react? Do you embrace it as another experience? At the same time, if I had sex with any of the above three, it would have been resting completely on the feeling of, "ahh, why not.."

Part of me says, how can you do that? And the other says who cares? You make of it what you will. Sex, making love-- you can create from each of those experiences what you wish. Make it mean more, leave it as something less. Move on, make more, whichever it's the thoughts concerning, your attitude, your approach that makes the difference.

I lost my virginity last night.