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Job Search Blues, Parents Visiting
05 May 2005
Job search blues and a killer case of PMS can cause quite a state of despair, apparently. I've had rough week emotionally. There's been some very dark depressing days where I could just feel that hardened sadness, heavy on my body. Everything is making me cry. Actually, nothing is making me cry. It's not so much the simple emotions that make you weep over silly tv sentimental moments (although that Bravo Pillsbury Bake-Off contest special was a heart tugger at the end ;), but I've been feeling those horrible deep inner sighs that ultimately lead to the worst of negative thoughts and finally a basic want, so strong and child-like for your mom or dad to hug you. I wanted a hug these past few days so bad it hurt. I would be at the gym, stretching only to find myself welled up with tears of the thought of having my dad hug me. I wanted that comfort. That warm, sweet, love that is so unconditional and so supportive. (Oh great, the memory has me crying now....) I just wanted, just needed for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it was going to be okay. To know that I was loved I just wanted....to be comforted. And I still do. My ego, my poor self-esteem, it was hurting and I was beginning to feel pretty bad about myself. I'd like to think I have a stronger inner self but I don't. The same way I valued my own personal worth on the grades I was getting or the work I was doing....I'm probably always going to be like that. As a job seeker there's so little for you to hold on to. It's so easy to feel de-valued, unimportant, unworthy and well, useless. Nobody wants you. Your skills aren't good enough. You continue to lose, to fail and you're almost completely at the whim of others with no control over your future. Hey, this really sucks! I came from this point of seeing so much promise....four companies were interested in me! Surely, out of the four someone would like me, right? Rejected coldly from #1, put off under a "hiring delay" from #2, didn't get accepted to the second interview from #3 and #4 doesn't even have an opening I'm qualified for plus they think I'm not focused enough in the qualifications I bring to the table. I remember graduating from college and thinking that if I could just get an interview I would be hired. I'm well-studied, always prepared, extremely professional (when necessary ;), attractive and I felt wisely personable (haha, again, when necessary ;) I figured my pretty face, pleasant demeanor and professional attitude (and okay, I had *some* exerience with my internships) I could win just about anyone over. It was probably more luck than anything but I did end up getting a job out of the first interview I ever had. One where over (what was it...) 500 or so applications were accepted? Maybe that's the problem. I somehow broke through 500 and now in a big city I'm fighting 5,000. BUT, where I thought I would be better in person than on paper after I graduated, I'm wondering now if I don't look better on paper and I'm just not cutting it in person. I will be honest and have not felt perfectly "on" in any of the interviews I went to. But, I'm also not sure if I would have approached any of these interviews any differently. I'm wondering if I need to fake my ability a little better. When they ask me if I know Access...perhaps it's better to say I'm familiar with the application and have a working knowledge, rather than "no" because I've never used it. Haven't even ever touched it. I *am* a fast user and confident with new technology so the chance of me being able to pick up things is high but... I just don't have the energy to fake it through complete lies but I'm kind of wondering if I should. I've felt a bit underqualified for everything I've applied for. Not so underqualified that I wasn't absolutely positive I could jump in and be MORE than the person they need but....it's either I have no corporate experience, or that's great I worked with associations....but they've all been local/state so I'm not worldly enough to understand them from the national level. I've been able to work in a lot of different areas but I'm not specialized in anything! So it's like starting over from scratch. I just need a nice company to take a chance on me but until then I don't know what to do. I hope the interviews continue to keep coming because when there's nothing to hope for....it's easy to get lost in the doom and gloom mode of the job hunt. Thankfully, job #3 did call me the other day. Although I wasn't asked back to interview for the position I applied to (and out of all the companies I felt most qualified for this one! bleh) they said I am still a candidate for a different position. It's still in the family of event planning but would take me over to trade show/exhibits and data base work. I'm not sure if it's what I want but I believe it's worth it to check it out. I have my (second) interview with them tomorrow so hopefully that goes well. Although, my trade show experience is extremely limited so I don't see how I'll be more qualified than other candidates. Time to bring out the charm I suppose.... The rest of my job status is weak....waiting for company #2 to figure out what they're doing (had to put a hold on their recruitment due to a change in plans of a major client...that is essentially driving the need for more employees). This group is my favorite right now. I like what they stand for, I like how it's a small company and I think experience wise I have the most to gain professionally by joining their team. They are supposed to have a better idea of what they're doing in the next couple of weeks. BUT, supposedly, if they do decide to hire someone I am in the running for that second interview :) Company #4 is also kind of out there right now. They're a huge, well known group but I'm kind of wondering if they aren't a little too big for my preference. I think training wise they could probably offer a lot and I'm sure I could learn a lot from the other people there. They may or may not have a new opening at coordinator level (which I qualify for) in the next week or so. Again, waiting for them to figure out if this is something they even need/want and even then...no guarantee that I'll get the position.
My dad is coming to visit next Friday! Haha, never thought I would be so excited to have family come be with me. He's arranged it so his travel home from an out-of-town business trip gives him a long lay-over in Chicago before he heads home. He'll pretty much arrive in the morning and leave in the early evening. Not sure what we'll do all day.
I just realized that I can't remember the last time my dad and I--just us did anything together for that long. Maybe never. How often do you get to spend a full day with a parent without other family or people being with you? I guess I can think of times spent with my mom but not really my dad. We had enjoyed a couple of father/daughter lunches in my previous job which were really nice. My dad has the special ability to let me ramble and make me seem all important. Perhaps he's not listening (ah, he too, off in his happy place) but it doesn't even matter. I just need someone to listen to me work out my thoughts aloud while I connect the dots of my life. A conversation like this with my mother is impossible. I would probably be a minute into my story and she would be telling me what I should have done, or asking why didn't I do....or this is what I should do now...or....anything else that interrupts and takes the whole point of the conversation (er, from my point of view) completely away from why I was talking/sharing something with her! Not that her thoughts aren't valid and often providing good advice or food for thought but...it's like, shut-up, you're making me feel worse about things! And, I think that's the biggest thing about my mom and and I when we talk. She always makes me feel bad about something. Sometimes, perhaps, rightly so, but...it's hard when you begin to associate talking with someone with all of these negative thoughts or feelings. I don't want to feel negative towards my mom but often it can be a fearful thing because I never know how it will turn out. I know she means best and she's usually right, but it doesn't mean she has to say so. I'm sure my dad must have had opinions about things that I've done in the past that I've shared with him...but he usually is able to guide me to an inner wisdom. Very much like an old wise man he can direct the conversation and give me the responsibility to do what I need to do. Or, he simply doesn't respond at all....which sometimes is just as well. I think, almost, he can recognize that I am just talking, that I am just thinking and saying things and it's just that....lose thoughts that haven't reached any conclusions. I feel like my mom tries to jump in and control the direction of where I am going. It's that constant "argh!" that I feel when talking with her that drives me crazy. I mean, I feel bad already about something that I probably even haven't made a decision on. Or if I did make a decision, I definitely get to feel bad about what I'm doing about it now. I know she doesn't mean to make me feel that way....and, maybe it's a lesson that I need to learn to stop LETTING her make me feel that way, but what do you do when it's your mom? I'm always going to value her opinion and I want her approval but it's hard to know who's being the selfish person when it comes to our discussions. Am I being the bad daughter for doing something that I want? Is she being a domineering mom by trying to make me feel guilty by not doing what she desires? Am I just catering to her control? Am I just being a brat? These are the thoughts I feel all the time and sadly I've passed this angst onto Jeff. He of course takes my side and thinks I'm being controlled. Now is it mom vs. the boyfriend? Does it matter that I'm not sure if mom really cares for boyfriend?
So, I'm not sure what Dad and I will do all day. I'm thinking maybe I'll take him to this breakfast place by my house in the morning. Then he can check out my apartment, maybe even walk around where I live. We could go downtown, maybe take in a museum? Find a nice loop resturant for lunch? Who knows...it'll be nice no matter what i'm sure.
My mother is actually coming the weekend after him. I thought she was driving up with a friend that she would be spending most of her time with but now I learned she's coming up with a co-worker that also has a daughter living in the city. This changes everything. Now my mom is expecting to crash at my apartment. This is fine except it does provide some potentially awkward sleeping situations. One, I feel bad putting my mom on the couch due to the whole respect your elders thing. But, we don't have an air mattress and/or room so the couch is pretty much it for alternative sleeping option (other than the bed of course). Two, I would happily give up my bed to allow my mom to sleep comfortably, BUT...it's not just my bed, it's Jeff's! Three, even if we were married it might feel slightly uncomfortable to have Jeff and I sleeping together next to my mom sleeping on the couch. But, we aren't married so it takes it up a notch. Honestly, I don't really care about that, and don't even think it would bother me too much. I also don't think my mom really cares either, but somehow when the reality is faced so clearly before you it may be a little awkward. More importantly, if anyone would feel weird I think Jeff would probaby be the person to feel it. He's the one that's sleeping with mom's little girl! I felt weird asking him but I did ask Jeff if he would be okay sleeping on the couch for the weekend she came. This way my mom gets a bed and we can (kind of) ignore the fact that Jeff and I sleep together. I was surprised to find that Jeff was not thrilled with the idea. Although, when I pointed out the alternative (of US sleeping together in the room next to her!) he muttered that maybe he would crash at a friend's house. Although, I don't see how that makes things better. He'd probably be sleeping on a couch there! But, actually, I might prefer if he did go somewhere else, at least for Friday. My mom will get in late. We can hang out without any awkwardness of Jeff and I feeling like we have to entertain her. Morning of I can make her breakfast and then we'll meet up with her co-worker/daughter for lunch and spend the afternoon doing whatever it is girls do together. (I'm not much of a window shopper but I have a feeling that's what mom's do with friends in big cities....boutiques out my price range here I come). That evening Jeff and I can go out to dinner with mom, maybe we can watch a movie or something and voila that's her weekend. Maybe do brunch or something on Sunday and she'll be leaving sometime mid-morning/early afternoon since they're driving. I'm looking forward to her visit. It's rare I just get to have fun with my mom because she's the "stern" parent and we're always in parent/child situations. It'll be nice to have her in vacation mode and me as the adult acting as hostess.
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