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Sister's Wedding and un unofficial engagement

19 October 2003

My sister was married yesterday. It's a strange transition because there's all this build up to the wedding...and even though they've been dating for almost three years or so, it's weird all of a sudden to think that she's not just my sister...she's a part of a new family, a new existence.

I think I was a pretty awful maid-of-honor. I didn't really know what I was doing plus not being very close with my sister I'm not sure how to handle her. I can't read her and I'm never sure really how to act. Luckily she had her other bridesmaids to help so she wasn't all alone, but I doubt I was very supportive or helpful. Oh well...

The wedding was very nice and the reception looked great. It appeared that people were having a good time and basically it was a very smooth wedding with little drama or problems. I teared up a couple of times during the ceremony but really it was the moment that all of us maids & bride were lined up to walk into the church that I began to feel overwhelmed with the moment.

I looked over to my sister talking quietly with my dad and it was like....I don't know, this is it, it's really happening. And she was so beautiful and it's this...amazing rite of passage that we talk about so much, and then when it happens...it's a strange reality knowing it's for good.

I know this isn't making much sense.


I asked Jeff to marry me last Sunday. We were having a "moment" and so with my heart about to pop out of my chest I just simply asked him if he would marry me (he said yes) and we kissed and made love.

Which was nice...but we still need to have a real conversation about it. ;)

At least it's been thrown out there and now I'll feel more at ease bringing it into conversation. I briefly brought it up with him at my sister's reception and he kind of brushed it off as all girls get crazy when a wedding is going on. Which is true, you do get yourself thinking about it a little more when a close friend or family member gets married--BUT--I've been thinking I would marry jeff for a year now, so this is nothing new.

I don't know, sometimes I do worry about our future. I'm a planner and I like to know/control my life. I know you can't do that, but it still helps me to feel like I have some idea of where things are going. And if Jeff and I wouldn't get married for a couple of years that would be fine, but I think we should be talking about it and maybe even planning it. Would I like to be engaged right now? Yes.


I know the idea of marriage and weddings strikes fear into the heart of man, but at this point in our relationship....it really shouldn't. It'll be 3.5 years by December--what are you waiting for? Or, at least by this point you should have a pretty good idea if this is someone you want to be with or not...assuming you want to get married at some point in your life (and he has said he does).

He was complaining that my sister's fiance was 28 and that sounded more "right" to him. Which....is ok, but I mean what's the difference what your age is if you've found the person, you know? So that whole point of view really frustrates me, because I don't understand what that means. If he has no intention of marrying me then why would he even want to be in this relationship? I don't understand.

I think he knows/wants to be with me, but that whole idea of marriage still kind of freaks him out. Which...I mean, he's only 23...but, like I said before we've been dating for awhile now that it shouldn't matter the age, because it should be pretty yes/no at this point. If he's feeling "maybe" then I'm thinking that's a no, because he should know.

That's the thing, I think he does want to marry me and plans on doing so, but I don't understand why the hesitation to talk about it. There is still the kid issue...which will break my heart if that ends up being what separates us, but I'm obviously not going to compromise on that one. I don't know, I'll have to see where this all goes. I plan on talking about it a lot more now that the window has been opened up.


On a completely unrelated side note if you're not familiar with the band Kill Hannah--check them out! They're a really talented (British?) punk/rock group.






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