13 November 2001

Before I begin, Who is from Northwestern U. and University of California, Irvine that is reading my diary? You may sign here. Thanks. :)

So I gave my second speech tonight. I don't think it was as good as my first one...but I did throw in an "elaboration trick" that the teacher liked...so, uh, maybe a bonus point for that? Yeah, and a bonus point for being cute too...la la la.

This girl next to me gave an "eh" speech, but she's a cutie, and got the highest score you can get, while this other girl I sit by gave an excellent speech and only received a few points lower. So whatever. Not like a few points matter. Like the teacher says...he runs on an 85-95% grade scale. ;)

Ah, only if they could all be like that?! I don't think it's making people try any less harder either...I think it just puts people at ease. And since almost all of our scores are based on giving speeches, ease is definitly something we needed.

We're supposed to give one more speech (they're all the same topic, just a different format) but the class doesn't think we'll have enough time to get through a whole 'nother round (we're still getting through the second speeches) and the teacher is thinking that the "discussion" format (which is supposed to be for our last one) might not fly the way he was thinking it would be. Plus, we're all getting kind of bored of listening to the same topics get thrown around again.

So I'm over at Jeff's last night, and we're just kind of giggling and messing around in bed (ahem, I mean messing around like trying to tickle and side-grab each other) and all of a sudden Jeff "captured" me so I couldn't move my arm. And I have a bit of phobia when this is concerned. He does it time to time as a joke, probably cuz he likes to see me squirm to get out of being "captured". Take for an instance, our legs will kind of be all over each others, and even w/out thinking about it, I'll be moving and pushing until my legs are free and I can move all my limbs.

Anyway, so he has my arm and I'm screaming (literally) for him to let me go. And he keeps saying, "aglaia, it's me, I'm not going to hurt you" but he won't let me go. And I know rationally that yeah, this isn't a big deal, I'm not going to be "captured" forever but phobia's aren't rational, so i'm screaming and thrashing around for him to let go of me, until finally i'm panicking and tears are forming in the corner of my eyes and he lets me go.

Okay, that just sounded like an "abusive boyfriend" episode, but that's not what it was at all. Jeff gets really...frustrated that I don't trust him. For him, this is like a personal insult that (1) I think he would hurt me or/and (2) I don't trust him to hold me, but then let me free.

But it's not like that, I just feel...so constricted that I panic. Even if it's just my arm...and the rest of my body is free, I just can't...stop shaking until I'm let go. And I felt bad, afterwards cuz he was just frustrated and didn't really talk to me as we went to sleep. I know, if I would have just stopped and not thought about it, it wouldn't have been an issue, but it's like the more I think about being stuck the more I try to get free and the more I start to panic. Anyway, I guess, I should just calm down and get through it, but why does he have to confine me in anyway at all, anyway?

Other news...Jeff wanted me to come with him to spend thanksgiving with his family. I really liked the idea...even though I know family functions aren't the most fun (and that's when it's *your* family ;) but Jeff's grandparents are from er, the old Czechoslovakia, and they even speak the language all the time and what not, and I'd really love to see some of Jeff's heritage, and to get the full affect of a family gathering for him. Plus I really like Jeff's (immediate) family, AND I've dragged Jeff to every family function we've had since we've been dating and I've never been to any of his.

I knew my mom wouldn't like the idea though. In my head Thanksgiving really isn't that big of a deal. I mean I know Nationally it's built up as this big major holiday, but as far as my house feels...it might as well be some cousin's birthday. Why? Because my family gets together with every excuse it can. And that's fine, I mean I'm glad my mom is close to her family (it's big) so it's good for all of them to stay in touch. But really, I eat my turkey (which, by the way they still put me out at the separte "kids table"--i'm twenty years old) I say "hi family" and then I try to hide in my basement for the rest of the time, and try not to die from boredom.

The reason I haven't met Jeff's family is because they only get together for major holidays. Seriously, me missing thanksgiving would not be a big deal. It's unfair, all my "older cousins" (around my age or a bit younger--say late high school) all get out of coming to our family events. So it just makes family get-togethers more boring, and no one misses them anyway. Haha, ok, so someone misses them, but it's more like "oh, that's too bad" than sob, sob, we can't go on without them.

I'm not close with my family, but i think that's just more how I am than it being a personal insult. I could see, when i'm older, and if I have kids, and my siblings have kids that I would want to get together with everyone, because it would provide a nice let's be a big happy family feel, but once you hit your teens it's like "leave me a lone". They say "wow, you're getting taller, right?", "how's school going" and yadda yadda, it's over. That takes, what, 5 minutes max?

No one is coming to rap with me. They're coming together so "mom's" can get together gossip, bitch, and feel close again.

So, i've asked my mom twice about the situation. The first one she was like "um, if you're asking me then no, but I can't really make you do anything." The second one was "you're breaking my heart, I can't believe you'd even ask (you unselfish..). Don't you want to be with your family, don't you think family is important, why do you want to be away from your mom, why do you hate your family, sniffle, i'm probably going to cry when you leave..."

Ok. So yeah, i think my mom was about to burst into tears, and that doesn't make me feel good, but at the same time, stop guilt tripping me already. This has nothing to do with trying to "get away from family." She was taking it as a personal insult. All it is, is that I think Thanksgiving sucks, and I'd like to meet Jeff's grandparents before they past. (They haven't been doing too well lately). If we do end being together for the long run, I think it'd be nice to have met where he came from. I mean to have grandparents so true to their culture (Jeff's dad was actually born there), that's a pretty amazing thing.

Anyway, I think I'm stuck staying at home. I don't want to make my mom cry, so I'm doing it for her, but i think it sucks. I'm probably going to do that "mope around the house" bitter-like 'teen thing, though. Can't help it. I am bitter she's making me stay, when I (obviously) don't take Thanksgiving a serious holiday anyway. I've never liked it.

I don't like Turkey cut like that...I don't like lumpy potatos, I don't like homemade stuffing (where's the Stovetop?), I don't like cranberry, I don't like marshmellow whatever that is. I do like the dinner rolls.

People say they get fat after that one, and I think I lose weight...pumpkin pie is my savior.

Okay, so if you're tired of listening to me whine, I think my period will start tomorrow (or I hope it does!) so I can get back to grossing you all out.