15 November 2003

Whew. Just read the last entry (tears brimming again!). It was a good way to document the whole evening. So where am I now?

Backstep a few and things were good. The whole evening really wasn't brought up again and Jeff and I were enjoying our time together in a new way--appreciative of what we have.

Wait--where am I now? I feel....depressed. And not about the last entry or anything I just feel...bad. I'm hoping it's just the PMS which occurs in more deadly forms some months but then I begin to wonder if the PMS draws out some deep hidden reality in oneself. Why else would god give us this?

If there is a meaning and purpose in everything there has to be reason for these feelings.

I feel so bad. I feel so bad.

I just want to cry and apologize. And apologize for what? I don't know. For everything. I feel so not right and so wrong. I feel useless and unimportant. Unloved. And I know on a conscious level that these things aren't true that these feelings have nothing to validate them. But it doesn't make the emotion go away. It just spirals down because I am more frustrated with the fact that I feel this way at all.

I feel depressed. Sometimes I have dark thoughts when I PMS like this. I want to just go away. And I don't want to go all scary on you I'm not talking I would do anything to make that happen, but it crosses my mind that it would be nice to just go to sleep and not worry about anything ever again.

I'm unhappy with my body. I tried this diet with my family and....god, I have never been on a diet in my whole life. I'm the girl people woo over and tell me how great it is and how lucky I can eat anything and still look so good. But I was beginning to be unsatisfied with my body at that point, I knew something was changing, whether it matabolism or what not, but I had gotten as big as I ever wanted to be (okay size 8 isn't exactly big, but...) I was not happy the way clothes were fitting me, and I everything I had felt uncomfortably tight.

It was time to start eating differently. It has been frustrating. I joined a gym in September and I was going 5-6 times a week for at least a half hour and usually for an hour or hour 1/2 at a time. You would think just the extra exercise would have helped me slim a few, right? NOTHING! I got nothing. I didn't feel stronger. I didn't feel slimmer. In fact, I actually thought my thighs and waist were getting bigger. It's like--what the fuck.

I really didn't--don't--like working out. It was a chore, but I pushed myself and I went--regularly! I mean while I was in school I would half-ass going to the gym on occasion. Sure, some quarters I would go regularly 2-3 times a week, but when I got the gym membership I hadn't worked out in....oh, a long time. So I was "fa sho" I would lose some weight but I didn't.

I don't know if my thighs were getting bigger because they were growing in muscle. I didn't know if I was getting bigger due to the post-workout hungries or what was going on, but it was extremely disappointing to had changed my lifestyle (a lot!) to not see any difference. I tried to make myself feel better and tell myself I was at least keeping my heart healthy and what not, and exercising regularly is still a good habit--and perhaps I had resisted gaining pounds by working out, who knew.

Argh, but I know mentally it was a let down. I had never been able to control my diet before. I never wanted to have "bad" foods, because I knew I had the personality that would just make me want something more if I resisted it. But I read the diet book and I thought it sounded pretty reasonable. At the very least it would be an interesting experiment. No sugar, limited carbs, lower-fat....I thought my normal "diet" of pasta, potatoes and bagels could be set aside for two weeks, although I was in doubt of what I would possibly replace it with.

Well, surprisingly, it wasn't the starches that I missed. I mean sure, I still desired them, but it wasn't a craving for them, more just a hassle to avoid them. What I did crave was sweets. Candy, chocolate--ice cream! But I was good. The only "good" one in my family, with no cheating! I was scared if I went astray my whole experiment was shot so I stuck with it. You're not supposed to weigh yourself but I did. I was confused and frustrated because I would weigh up to five pounds different at night than I would in the morning.

My mom and brother were cheating here and there but still losing a lot of weight (both are obese, as I think the diet is more geared to). Finally by the end of it all I had lost seven pounds. But I had a classic crash & burn as I went into "phase II" of the diet. The moment the sweet stuff hit the lips I binged. I binged bad.

And not just in a moment, I thought about it. I thought about how I could get my hands on sweets constantly all day and the next day and the next. What I thought would be a controlled and limited "re-introduction" turned into a carb fest. Not a few days later was I back up five pounds. And then a week later I was *UP* five pounds.

My sister's wedding came and I was still up 5 pounds. I had a break down, crying. I thought I had ruined my system. Depriving it of sugar and then I had actually GAINED weight. I am such a diet cliche--isn't this what they always warn what will happen when you diet? I became that person, ugh.

So for the last two weeks I went back on phase I. I thought I had learned my lesson. I would lose a lot in this phase I and then, instead of be a "low-carber" for life I would turn myself over into "basic healthy living," managing my portions and fat and what not. It wasn't sounding fun, but I knew discipline...it was just going to have to be a new way of life.

Well, sunday would have been the last day of the two weeks on phase I again. BUT, as of Thursday I had lost a whopping **0** pounds. It was....amazingly depressing. I didn't get it. I was good. I had deprived myself of homemade cookies at a family get-together. I had resisted the pumpkin pie that someone brought into work. I didn't snack on the bountiful candy basket. I ate salad for lunch at really good sub places with Jeff. I even ate a stupid burrito bowl with no rice at Chipoltle. For what?

Nothing! Now, I guess I could have been a trooper and stuck it out for the next couple of days but I was...I gave up. I knew I couldn't binge, but I knew I was done with the phase I. So I didn't binge, but I did eat some chocolate at work.

And it was so worth it. No PMSing girl should go without it. It was amazing, so good.

But that doesn't put me in any different position. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I work out regularly and hate it. I mean I can't add any more time to the gym--I'm already there almost everyday for an hour. I don't eat *that* bad--and even as a low carb, low fat girl...hell, I should have at least lost a pound right? I wasn't looking for a miracle.

I feel like I'm getting bigger and losing control of myself. And I'm afraid if I calorie count I'll freak out and go on a binge or something. I don't want to have disorded eating. I don't want to think about food all the time (I do). I don't want to be so sad when I can't eat a cookie that someone offers at me. This sucks. And I don't know what to do to make it better.

AHHHHHHHH, I feel so bad about myself. Mentally and physically I feel a waste. I have been having all these strange symptoms and I don't know if they're related or not. Any doctors:

I thought maybe I was getting carpal tunnel, because I got to work one day and my wrist was throbbing. Then as the day went on I had shooting pain up my left arm, it was pretty painful. It wasn't constant as it would come and go but even that evening after I was home it was still bothering me. My whole left side was in a lot of pain and I couldn't even hold up a book with that hand. I was going to call the doctor the next morning, but then when I woke up--nothing. No pain at all.

A few days later I notice I have a rash on the back of my left ear. I can't figure out what I could have got as I wasn't outside or using any new hair products etc. that would cause a breakout.

Then, I didn't know if it was all in my head or not but the left cheek begin to feel numb. Not constant once again, but just off and on. It was tingling and kind of prickly sometimes. Not necessarily painful just kind of bothersome.

I was kind of joking that I had shingles because another woman in the office had it. But shingles isn't contagious. But, with the numb face and all I did end up calling the doctor who was busy and no one ever called be back (typical of my doctor's office). The next day--nothing. No strange numb feeling. So I didn't call the doctor back.

The rash appears to be healing. I can't see it so I don't know what it looks like. My mom said it kind of looked like poison ivy but it never did itch.

I have felt extremly fatigued. Even with 8 hours of sleep. Also, a couple of days before the pain in my arm I had this strange bout of nauseau. So bad I actually had to leave work. I never got sick but it was making me feel dizzy. I went home and slept all night.

Does this sound like something?

My left lymph node (sp?) is swollen and I've been sniffly. I thought maybe I was going to get a cold but nothing yet. I kind of feel like a hypercondriac at this point. I don't want to call the doctor and be all weird but at the same time I wonder if I have something and I'm ignoring all these symptoms that something deeper is wrong.

So on top of the physical I'm feeling mentally exhausted with my own "woes me." I sometimes think a therapist could help. I need someone to talk to who won't judge me.

So the past few days I've felt really depressed. I don't even want to see Jeff. Except I do. I do, but...when I see him I just feel like apologizing for feeling as I do and not being a good girlfriend. I feel like I'm letting him down. And hearing myself say "I'm sorry" and "I'm sorry." It's so pathetic and then I beat myself up again.

I feel so tired. And when I see him at night....I just want to sleep. We haven't been "intimate" in awhile and I know that's never good for the relationship but then....I get anxious about the fact that we haven't slept together which puts the pressure on me, which makes me completely not in the mood on top of my usual sexual impotency.

Tonight there is a private multi-birthday party at a bar downtown. We have been invited. He's there without me. I knew I should probably go but I really didn't want to. I didn't feel like drinking and I feel dehydrated. Oh yeah, I've been having non-stop (food in one end, out the other if you catch my TMI) since yesterday. Add that to my weird list of physical issues.

Why is my body fighting me?

Why am I letting it win?