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Work, Cry, Work.....cry, cry cry

06 August 2005

My job is incredibly painful right now. I would say last week was the worse I've had so far. Being overwhelmed at times is to be expected but I was so beyond that. I was crushed by the panic and feeling absolutely hopeless so frequently that I found myself stopping in at the bathroom so I could cry for awhile before heading back to the cube.

After two months in this position I have learned a lot about my role and what I need to do. There is still quite a lot that I do not know how to do and I'm still finding that annoying moment where someone asks me to do something or asks me about something....that I've never even HEARD of let alone have any indepth answers that they seek.

If I were to simply look at my "plate" and do what I know how to do or would like to do I would VERY busy right now. I'd probably be overworked and stressed. The problem, is that on top of what I know how to do I feel like there's at least 6-8 other things I need to be doing that i don't understand. Most of it are things that the woman before me did so no one in the office really can help me and some of it are completely new things that no one has done.

Again, if things were slow and I had time to work on these new and confusing items I would be very busy and probably panicked. So, just imagine now my position when I have so much I need to do and so much I need to learn or figure out and it's just....oh so painful.

I have people asking about notifications I sent out (you did send them out right) that I haven't necessarily forgotten, but just haven't had time to do (oh yeah, they should have been sent out first thing in July....). Oh god, I've just got so much, so much and 10 aglaia's working their hardest couldn't complete it. I was getting into work by 7:15 (that's with the hour commute) and I'm leaving close to 6 with a 10 minute lunch and I'm trying my hardest to stay sane and get things done but I'm completely swallowed.

As one thing finishes (and I'm behind in 15 others), three new things fall into my lap. I think of myself as a hardworking, intelligent and eager to please worker but I'm hurting. This should have technically been an easier going week because our director and my supervisor were out of the office on vacation the entire week. I'm scared to see what else is thrown my way next week.

So much needs to have been done by now and I don't know what to do. We have a staff meeting where everyone went around did a status check a week or so back....at least I'm not alone as everyone pretty much said they were stressed and very busy. And that's part of the problem...everyone is busy so it's not like they have time to do any of my work either.

They had called the woman who previously held my position to offer her some temp work (she's not currently working, just going to school and she had expressed interest in doing some temp work for us when we got busy). I was relieved she could come in and take a couple of big projects off my "to do" that were supposed to have been done a month ago, that I haven't even looked at, and really had no idea on how to do or begin and the kind girl apparently blew us off. She basically said we were giving her boring work to do and said no thanks.

That was nice of her, huh? But, from the comments I've heard around the office that's just the type of thing they would expect from her.

I like my office. The people are very nice and casual and down to earth. I don't even think it's disorganized but I do think that I have too much work right now....for someone who is still figuring out things. I don't know if I'm being unprofessional or I'm inexperienced or not "cut out" or what's going on but I'm not in a good position.

I had to do a lot of apologizing this week to people for things I had not done. It's incredibly hard on my self-esteem and what makes it so bad is that I'm trying so hard. I'm really working so hard and I hate feeling so behind and never being able to catch up. I want them to like me and respect me and believe in me....and I feel like i'm failing but there's nothing I can do about it.

I pretty much told everyone this week that I was overwhelmed and had more work than I know what to do with. I felt slightly unprofessional in my admissions. Perhaps unprofessional is not the right word but I felt....young and silly and as much as I was trying to keep an upbeat and pleasant appearance I don't see how my sighs and panic/pained face could have been hidden from everyone.







Ah. Well, now that I feel sick to my stomach and have shed a few more overwhelmed tears let's talk about sex.

I'm reading (er "listening" as in cd on tape) to The Inner Circle which is a fictional account of Professor Kinsey (sex researcher) from the viewpoint of his assistant. It's really a fascinating read and it makes me wonder how much of it is true in relation to the 'real life' Kinsey or "Prok" as those in the inner circle call him.

I know little of Kinsey although had heard the name before I picked up the book. His idea that sex is just another natural response from the human animal is worth taking a look at. It makes you examine society's rules and what is considered 'normal.'

I think coupling is natural and what we have done...create unions and marriage is an understandable direction but I don't think it changes that sex is sex and that being with ONE person isn't really all that natural. Prok has argued that all of society's messages have made us 'sex shy' and that if we to really listen to our natural, animal urges we would be free to masturbate and engage anything we like (including all genders, and even perhaps objects and other animals).

It reminds me of my woman's studies classes and you would have to critically consider each new idea that came up. Some of it I agreed with and felt my eyes opening and some of it....I thought was silly or completely disagreed with it. Here to I'm twisted on what to think.

I can easily accept sexual relations between people whatever their gender and that engaging others doesn't necessarily make you bi or a homosexual. Again, sex is sex and we all fall somewhere on the range of orientation that naturally takes our interest more so one way or the other....but that doesn't mean we're restricted by that.

But sex with...animals?

The idea of this completely turns my stomach but as I'm reading this book it makes me wonder if it shouldn't be something we accept as just another aspect of the human animal. It doesn't mean I approve or embrace the practice but that in some odd understanding just acknowledge it as something that's out there and....well, hey, whatever floats your boat.

I guess my thing is....between adults there is consent. When you start going down that dark path that involves animals, children and who knows what else I think it's completely....I mean, yes we may be 'animals' but we have the ability to control ourselves and respect. Simply respect....all things, animals and people.

I think I've had enough of that thought process....






Other than falling apart on the job how is everything else? My "social" life is about the same. I found myself telling someone I had just moved here....only to pause and realize it's been five months. So, five months and still no friends. I enjoy our neighbors and the casual encounters we have with some of jeff's acquaintances but really no great connections.

My weight blossomed to what I was at the beginning of the year, just shy of my heaviest ever....and I've been incredibly good these past two weeks and am finally out of the 'fat jeans.'

I can't say I'm comfortable but at least I can fit into them, sigh.

But, on a positive note I'm proud that I achieved it and in a rather quick period. I began being good (counting calories, eliminating sweets) while I was PMSing (no chocolate? this a feat in itself!), especially stressed (a good reason to eat junk food anytime), and lots of goodies being presented at work. I didn't touch one bit of the cake, cookies, brownies, donuts and every other sweet item that has crossed our staff kitchen for the past two weeks.

This is truly amazing.

Oh, a tangent...I just saw this funny show on FX called Starved and it was pretty funny. Eating a brownie out of the trashcan after it's been covered in bleach?

Well, that's just not right.

[Don't worry--that's from the show, even *I* wouldn't do that ;) ]






8.05.2000

"Bryan touched a cord in me that I didn't even know was humming until he stroked and played me."[Read More]

8.06.2001
"I was thinking the other day, how you can twist your thoughts, like turning an object in your hand and seeing all the wonderful ways you can peer into it. People at one angle, are so beautifully vibrant and different, from tiny quirks and views, to the way they stand, talk or brush their hair. People can be so much alike though. I guess that's comforting." [Read More]

Crap, here he comes...gotta go!







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