Aglaia | Click to view my profile.

Latest Entry Older Entries Old Journal (HS, Early College) Send E-Mail Aglaia's Survey Read/Sign Dreambook

boring, move on

10 May 2001

My poor poor ladybug. You sounded like me there.

I think there are some people, alive, awake and seeking something. Sometimes among the seeking we find something, or we are distracted by something, or the mundane, profane things of our lives take their hold on us and we slip away from our original nature. (Of wanting something More.)

I think, when we wake up, when we're left alone, to think, to ponder, it's like, your world is crashing down. It's always been hard for me to tell, if we're really like this, or if society somehow tells us to be like this. Am I so upset because I don't know what to do with my life, that I have no direction, that I'm living each day as "surviving" it just so tomorrow will be here, or is so terrible, because someone told me i'm supposed to have it all figured out by now?

I can't tell you what the hell I'm doing with my life, and that's probably because I'm not doing anything. I wish I could be a light in other people's lives, I wish I could be an amazing source of creativity and love, but I don't think I really serve any purpose.

If I didn't have Jeff in my life right now I think I would be suffering at a cruel rate. I know the timing, having this man, this guy that I'm so incredibly in love with is God's blessing. I know we are holding each other up, because we are struggling so much with school and life. We're unhappy with the greek system, this university....

He doubts his talents in design. I doubt my intelligence in school. And when I'm with him everything does seem right. Thank you.

But I'm still not creating, I'm still not being who I want to be.

Unfortuntaly I don't know who I want to be. I snap at my parents when they ask about the future, and I hate being so mean to them, but truthfully I'm just scared. I'm ashamed because I'm in a major that I can't even define. I don't know what I want to do with it, and I can't see myself anywhere. Do I have a purpose? Will I ever?

And this is when someone steps in and says, "You have plenty of time to think about it." But you know what, maybe in the long run, my whole life is the time to make a life descision, but I still need to do something, since I am here in school. I'm paying a whole lot of money to accomplish a major. But I don't know what I want to do in the major. I don't know if I want to be in this major at all, but I have run out of classes, there is no "general" classes left take at this point, unless if I want to be in college forever and start taking random classes that are costing me thousands of dollars a year....

I am so unhappy and tired with school, it's disgusting. I don't even look forward to summer because I don't want to work. I don't want to take a summer course. I don't want to be with my mom who puts rules and curfews on me. I don't want to go out.

I never do. I don't want to do anything. And sometimes I think I'd rather disappear and not remember or feel anything, and that's a rather scary and cold thought.

I try to pull back from that, to think of the fact that living is a miraculous thing. I should enjoy it.

I try to be thankful for the things I have, and my life is so much better than others, but most of my thoughts are surrounding my overwhelmed stress with school. I began this week with a stomach so nervous and tense I couldn't eat, and when I did I felt like I needed to throw up. I can't live like that. But it feels like 'how can I better the world' when I all i can think about is "just get through this class." I wake up thinking "just get through this day". But I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get through to.

Shouldn't there be some goal on the other end of all this stress? When I survive another day, I can't even enjoy it. I just think of what I have ahead of me. I'm like a computer whipping across numbers and words....statsQuizNumberTwoTuesdayWaitTommorowStatsProjectFridaySpanishWebProjectStillNeedToWritePaperForReligionDidIDoMyJournalismHomework.......until I hysterical, crying to Jeff, crying to my roommate, crying to my mother.

All these damn little things. And what for? What am I doing this all for?


I'm doing it to get out of school.

Just three more weeks and the quarter is over. I don't know what's coming afterwards. I don't know if I can make this quarter better. Still surviving, still unknowing, still going....

bye.






Hosted by Diaryland

Sign the Guestbook (Site is down)

Sign the NEW Guestbook

Random Entry Generator

Aglaia's Diaryland Picks

Template by Marty