31 January 2001

I said I wasn't going to bash myself anymore. I told myself that the feeling was destructive and led to nothing more other than sour feelings toward myself and life. I was supposed to tell God that I was happy for this blessing called life and for whatever experience I got to encounter. I wasn't supposed to wish it all way. I wasn't supposed to want to sleep so I wouldn't feel anymore. I wasn't ever supposed to say that I just wanted to be with Him, and I didn't want to be here anymore. Because that's not me.

And I still don't think it is. (Even though I've recently heard myself saying and thinking those things.)

I don't know what has changed. Maybe it's the college atmosphere. I guess, I feel that I am here to do something. Yes, I'm here for the whole "college experience" of learning to deal with all the social apects and such. But I'm also supposed to be gaining some "higher learning". And even if I don't end up working in what I major in (what's the statistic, like 80% of people don't?!) I still want to have some idea, or some....something that's leading me, or something that I at least think that I want to do.

My sister, for whatever reason, majored in economics. She didn't like it. She had to work really hard in her classes. And she graduated in four years, from a pretty nice university. Now she's basically some secretary of a lawyer in D.C. I have no idea what she wants out of life. I don't know if she plans on going back to school to become a lawyer (something she flirted with a lot before/during school). I think...that she majored in economics, because she believed she would graduate and get a job in it. I know she wanted something that would sound good, as well as something that could potentially make her a lot of money.

Money...isn't as important to me as it is my two older siblings. I'd rather just find something I will be happy in. Of course, I also want to survive. I imagine she's barely surviving on a secretary's wage living in such an expensive city (and this is the type of girl who refuses to wear anything but Banana Republic and the such, and live a lifestyle of parties in NYC, and spending time entertaining friends of Georgetown (sp?) So what's up?

Was I alwasy so confused and lost. I thought...in highschool, things at least made (more?) sense than they did now. I still didn't know what I wanted to major in, but I knew I was talented and focussed and driven. I knew that I wasn't the best at math or in chemistry...but I always made fare grades (okay, er scratch that pass/FAIL!!! quarter of pre-cal ;) and when it came to things that I did like I knew I would be very dedicated, and would always excel (english, photography, acting, history...)

Here in college, it's like....not only am I really struggling in courses I don't like and know I'm not very good at (Spanish) but I also don't feel like...I'm any good in the classes that I used to like.

Actually, college...has kind of made me not like anything. When I think about my acting class, I can't even remember if I really liked it or not. I think I did. But did I? Alright, I got an "A" in it. I don't remember ever performing and thinking, "yeah, I'm awesome!" Or getting any especially exceptional feedback from my teacher. In photography, I was ashamed of my work, and was certaintly far from the top of excellence. Even in Asian philosophy--which I love (and think) that I understand really well...I ended up with a B+.

And I know college is different. I know it isn't a public HS, that has ghetto kids (cuz we did) where you practically show up to just get an "A". And a "B" should be considered good. But it's still really hard on me, when I am doing EVERYTHING I can in my power to do well in a class...and I *still* don't get the A. Like, there is nothing more I can do here. And that's very frustrating for me.

And I'm trying not to worry about what other people are doing. (Because they aren't me.) But I can't help, that I'm working so damn hard for a GEC class (and this isn't even like the best college or anything...I'm sure everything at my sister's private university was ten times harder) and other girls, are in Chemistry or high math courses. It just makes me feel very....dumb. Like it's okay to complain about math 152 honors.

Not so much...anthropology 200.

And I'm not really complaining about my class.

But I did get a 65% on my first exam. (Which was all bio/genetics review from my bio 101 course). And I went to all the classes, I took all the notes, I read the chapters, I highlighted, I made flash cards, I took the time to study. I even *thought* I understood it going in and *thought* I understood after taking the test.

I got a "D". I got a "D" and I did everything I could to use all of my potential to get a good grade on that exam. I mean I guess I could get a freakin' study group or a tutor, but please, this is an intro class! I shouldn't..

I shouldn't have that grade. I am something better than a D. I think my efforts should be reflected a little better than a D. I am doing so poorly, and it's like, c'mon, it's anthrop 200. It's an intro to physical anthropology. This isn't chemistry. This isn't physics. Those are supposed to be hard for me. Not this stuff.

And do you see what this is doing? Can you see where my mind is heading? Because all I think is god, you are so completely dumb. And I'm wondering, if I shouldn't just sit down and accept it or something. Because I, I am a good student! And I don't understand it. I should at least get a "C" for everything I did. I mean, that should at least reflect effort or something, right? Like, yeah, she's dumb, but boy, she sure does try.

I don't want to be dumb. I'm not dumb. I am smart. I am a very intelligent person. I am caring and understanding. I think about things. I am incredibly open-minded about others and their actions. I'm forgiving.

I mean, I'm taking this psych course. It's supposed to be interesting. It's a higher level, and it's all about social psych. That's all fine and dandy. It involves writing...that's a all good, because I am supposed to enjoy writing, I used to love it, I used to think I was going to be a professional writer. I got a D on my first paper. A C on my second one. And a C on my exam. What is going on? I am completely in shock.

And I'm jealous. I'm jealous of Jeff for being so artistically talented. *I'm* supposed to be good at art. Where did my talent go? I used to produce great stuff. I used to be so creative. Now I can't even draw a picture worth looking at. I can't think creatively. Where Jeff is going is what I really wish I could have. His whole working environment once he becomes a designer, is exactly where I had imagined myself. (Yeah, and if now I only had some talent to go along with all that.)

I'm not going to be in an office, I don't want to be in an office. I don't want to go to work from 9-5 doing the same things every day. Sitting in a cubicle, writing business-ish reports about whatever, staring at a computer screen.

I'm supposed to be adventurous. I'm supposed to go out into the world, and be constantly changing and moving and experiencing and seeing. But I'm learning...here in college, that I'm not very good at math and science still. I'm also not very good at writing or at classes I thought were interesting. And it doesn't matter if I *think* I'm understanding anything, because basically....I don't.

I don't want to be negative. I don't want to bash. Because I love people who are so upbeat and positive. But I can't help be a little upset with myself when....I don't seem to like anything any more (the fact that I'm pretty horrible at everything probably is influencing that.) I don't do good at anything.

Okay dlove, what makes me happy: music. I love lyrics, I love a really good song, or a really fantastic voice. I love how many different sounds you can make, and the amazing talent of others, watching them play a guitar or a piano, or any instrument of any kind. I love dancing, when I'm free to feel *my* kind of music, to not feel I have to impress others, and I can just experience music completely through my body. Laughing makes me happy. Seeing a really good movie makes me happy. Just sitting with my "sisters" and talking makes me happy. Jeff makes me happy. My brother and I goofing off makes me happy. Lollypops, chocolate, my mom's beef stirfry make me happy. A great photograph, an interesting painting, something dIfFeReNt all make me happy.

The smell of fresh flowers, a really good book (and the time to read it), someone's diary entry that really hits straight to my heart make me happy. A perfectly blue sky against a big sun, a starfilled sky against a deep dark (and to share it with someone who is also continuously amazed with it). Getting a big tip, right out of nowhere from a table at work makes me happy. God makes me happy, when I am remembering what God really is.

And so many other things. But I want to feel satisfied. Maybe you'll never really satisfied--or maybe you never really should feel a deep satisfaction from life, because that means you would have stopped. And going, and growing is what is so awesome about things. But working for something and seeing the pay off also makes me happy. I have nothing to work for (ultimately, as a college degree) and when I do work for the grades of my classes that I have right now....the work isn't paying off.

I do believe there is something in me, that can do something...really well, something that I would love. But I don't think it's hit me yet. I don't think I've experienced it. And I don't know where or what to do, to find it. I don't think I can really go "searching" for it, because it'll probably just find me. But I am running out of time as far as majors go. I shouldn't get into my major and just be taking classes from my major. I should have other things to add in, to flavor. I'm running out of options, I'm running out of direction.

And BTW, the girl I was supposed to go to Greece with for the summer, told me today that it just wasn't going to work out.

Great. There's another goal, something I have been working really hard for (for quite a long time--research, thought and money wise) slashed, and never to be completed.

See ya later.