24 May 2000

Ohh, are you excited Rayn, about the two hour Law & Order finale? Yep, I'm a fan as well.

Watching TV reminds me of my dad. I don't really watch TV. I'm not sure what I do....maybe just be a 'net junkie or something ;) But my dad just adores television. He's this incredibly intelligent man, a chemical engineer....he reads high level math books....uh, for fun. But he's a sucker for television, and it's absolutely adorable to watch.

Anyway, I would stop in the tv room at home when he was in there, and very often i would get sucked in as well. I don't watch television....but when i do, it's like i can't escape, it's terrible. Not only that, I love too. Not so much if I don't watch it, like I don't worry or think about it, but when I do watch it, I'm their favorite audience member. I laugh at all the right times, and get all warm and fuzzy at the appropriate places too. I'm terrible.

Law & Order. Both mom and dad would watch it, and so would I. It's great, one of the more intelligent shows to watch. Besides the cases, are interesting to see unravel, and the "extras" are always changing. I love to watch them and see if they are any good. Hehe, I would love to be an Law & Order extra, that would be a fun start to my acting career! ha! (wha--you didn't know I was an actress?

That would be the best. Sometimes when i think about careers it's the only thing I can see myself doing. I know that sounds silly, because it's such a little girl's dream, "I'm going to be an actress" but, it really didn't come about until I started heavily acting in school my junior year of High school. I fell in love with it. I have always walked around pretending to be someone else, acting like my life was part of some drama, some bigger story with significance. ;)

I was supposed to go out tonight. To this bar. I'm not big on bars. I like to drink...if I'm doing something. I'm not too big on just sitting there and drinking. It's an older crowd bar too. I don't feel like being hit on by old nasty guys. But, I've never been there, and an old girlfriend from highschool is back from Colorado U. and I thought I'd go out and hang with her. If I changed a bunch, I'm sure she has too, and she was already pretty fun and wild.

But I forgot she was going, and that's why I was....and I started to feel not so good tonight. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me. Headache, upset stomach. Part of it is that I can't do my math homework. I just.....couldn't do it, can't figure it out. It's due tomorrow, and I have a quiz over the material as well. That's 40 points all together. I think that was part of the reason why I was getting sick, I was just so frustrated. I think I'll have to actually go to my teacher's office hours to talk to him--it's like an hour before we have class.

I'm so ashamed though. I can't....ask for help. I'm very independent. Especially with math, my hardest subject, I can't ask for help, because I'm so embarressed about my abilities. I'm not dumb, I'm just...okay, I'm not slow either, I just...I beat myself up. When it comes to school, I expect to excel. I push myself. I want to do good. I like to pride myself on good grades. I love to brag that I go to all of my classes, and I've never skipped my whole freshman year of college so far. It's a kid thing, i have 3 other siblings, and we all try to impress the parents. Well...maybe not. ;) At least my sister has always given me a reason to push myself.

Hey, if you're going to be pretty and personality-less, you might as well, pretend you're smart too. ;)

So I'm sick, and I'm starting to feel...bad. Funkish. I used to go through funks, mini-depressions, quite a lot. I haven't in a very long while. And I'm not about to start now, but it felt like an on-coming funk. I wasn't exactly sure what was its cause, but it was there, and my insides were crying.

Dry tears again.

It's weird, really. Right now I feel fine. I felt better, after awhile. I was reading Henry and June to get my mind of the math.* And then I took a mini-nap. Then I watched friends on tv, and that's when Law & Order came on. I decided I would just watch L&O instead of go to the bar. Oh well. I didn't really feel like drinking, and I was prancing around my room, gushing about how much I missed and loved the show anyway.

Then I get a call. Frat boy, Jeff. Says he's bored, wonders if I want to do something. Another movie? For a guy not into movies, I dunno... I don't really want a second date to mirror the first. I like to shake things up. Already today I was trying to come up with some clever place we could visit. I came up with COSI--or actually Heidi did, but I loved the idea.

COSI is this "kids learning with science--and fun" place. (Yeah, somewhere in the C-O-S-I it says that ;) But anyway, they moved it to a new site and made it all pretty and new. I admit, it needed it. I still adored the place. I had been visiting since my kindergarden days, and I still got a kick out of it. It's awesome. Whenever someone comes to columbus looking for something to do, I instantly think of COSI. Like it's kind of cheesy, cuz I guess it is a kid place, but I always enjoyed it.

I haven't been to the new one though, I wonder if it would still be fun, without all the memories attached to it. I'm sure part of the fun was just acting like fools, getting your face painted, and making fun of the walk in history. But anyway. :) I uh, i'm sure, learning all over again would be cool too.

So a movie. --Ah, he just called again--we were gonna go to the theatre, at least that's a change of atmosphere, but now we can't, and it's another movie at his APT. I'm not sure if I'm too into that idea again. I'm feeling frisky, and hyper now, he better watch out!

SO, I feel kind of bad, dropped my girls for a guy, and totally blew my "i'm sick" excuse--I actually do still feel sick. But I mean, how would that sound if I called up some guy for a second date and he tells me he has a headache? YEah.....I don't think I'd buy that. This early in the game, it's important to boost the other up, to give the thumbs-up, go ahead. Know what I mean?

AHH, now I'm so clueless what's going on with my tv show. The best are the twists. You're all like, "yeah it's him" "no, no--it's her!" "oooh, it's both of them!" "nope, uh, huh, it was their lawyer!" hehe, fun.

Can you tell i'm hyper? I miss Holly. My dear, hyper friend holly. She would be so much fun to talk with. Kat is no fun, james is no fun.

*While reading the book, I decided that I would call Bryan. I would call him up, ask him to lunch and talk to him, and I would make it good, because it had to be.

Now, I'm thinking. It's just being weak. I think, I won't call him. I'm never going to talk to him, he'll slip away as a memory. Did I forget that last day I went to see him, when he had already obliterated me, but I had to return a cd to him? His hair...his awful hair, all grown shag, and he was so pale, he looked sick. He barely looked at me. Glanced at the cd in my hand, and said he forgot I even had it (he would ask every day jokingly to give it back to him while we were 'together',so uh..). It was a terrible feeling. I was in the twilight zone. I don't want him. I don't like him. He is nothing. I made him everything. He's not. He's wrapped up in some shady girl. Who needs that? Not me. I'm not calling him.

I'm going to finish the book quickly, it'll be over. It'll be read. I won't think of him again.

I just took off my bra. Well now I *know* I won't get "lucky" tonight. If I try to prepare anything, perfume, yadda yadda, nothing ever happens. It's when I've got on junky stuff, and didn't think anything would happen that it does. But that's okay. I don't want anything to happen. Sensations are wonderful, but friendship is better. I'm losing respectibility. In my own eyes, in James eyes....

*****F L A S H*****

Just got back from my date. Too cute! I love his dark hair, his bushy brown eyebrows, that sweet smile of his! We wen to Blockbuster...he wanted to see Being John Malkovich--fab movie, deserved a best picture nominee, but anyway. We looked at some others, but I decided I wouldn't mind seeing it again. So we did.

Back to his place, made popcorn this time. Back on the Futon, me to the right this time. (That's about as much change as I could do. ;) I fantasized, being a little more comfy with each other, but nope, we just sat there again. Which, is fine. He did put his arm around me a little under an hour this time, so we're getting better, haha. But then it got uncomfortable in that position. I wanted to be flirty and just wrap my arms around him, or let us lay down, and feel each others bodies against each other--in an innocent way, we didn't need to make out. ;) But I didn't do anything. Not out of shyness or rejection, just....hey, if it's going slow. Let it just unfold slowly.

So I let it.

Afterwards, we just sat and watched tv and talked for a couple of hours. It was real sweet and nice. He's adorable. I hope he likes me. :)

I get some weird giddy highness knowing he's a fraternity boy, I can't help it, I just think it's so funny. Me? A frat boy? I'm glad he called. Second date. That's more important than a first date I think. We kissed at the end after he walked me home. mmm. I've had better. ;) Haha, but it was still nice to kiss him. Cutie! (ahh, it's 3:00 and i have to be up at 7:00....sigh.)