23 May 2000

It shouldn't hurt. Well, it should....but I shouldn't let it. I'm glad he had a crazy time. I'm glad his girlfriends just love his new girl, Amanda. I'm sure I'd love her too. I love everyone. I didn't know he would be here this weekend. That would have been us going out this weekend. Though, Aglaia, you were busy.... We couldn't have really gone out anyway. Does it matter?

Well how long is girly gonna be in town? For now? Forever? Would that be too weird if I...yeah, probably, with all of us there. Talking with guitar boy last. I think he wants to make his move now that Chris is outta there. I wouldn't take him though. Very talented, but not what I'm looking for. Or at least, not in this level of our friendship, I don't find a lot of common area with us, other than his band, which I adore true, he's what I imagine a real muscian to be. So focused. Ha, speaking of, his MP3 just came on..

"Maybe it's too late. Or maybe it's just better this way. The stars fade to black, and we kill another day."

Okay, Guitar boy.

I was supposed to take Chris to see Dave with me. Now what'll I do? I wouldn't mind still going with him, as long as we really do attempt to do the whole "friends" thing. But I mean, obviously I'd want to see him a couple more times before we go. It's in mid/late June for the concert. Because if he's not going to go. I'd like to find someone else to. (And I need to do this now!) My girl Heidi hasn't yet bought her tickets for the second day, and I would love to go with her. (I'm going the first day.) But I'm not quite ready to bring it up to Chris.

Maybe it's the happy techno I'm listening to, but I think I'm ready for a change.

What can I do to rev up my life. Not that it isn't pleasantly interesting, because it is. But all of a sudden I feel really pensive and dramatic.

Or just bored.

You know, move on from Chris moment. I really can't believe myself. I don't usually get wrapped up in break-ups. Not that I can really consider myself "wrapped up." I just had a quickie AIM conversation with him, that's why I'm feeling this way.

It's just Bryan. That's probably what I'm talking about. This damn Henry and June book. I wrote him an email, no response. James tells me I should call him. That I never care about anything, and if it's tugging on my soul, thinking about him after so long ago, then I should do something about it.

I don't know. Call him? I don't want to.....talk to him. I mean I do, but I want to be face to face. I want to see his expressions. What does he think of me? Nothing? I wonder, I wonder if he thought about me at all, after he obliterated me from his life.

And Chris. What the hell was I to Chris? Anything? A fling on the side. I don't get it. I mean I do. But, no I don't. I mean we can never say for sure what other people are thinking and feeling for us.

I need to stop dating older guys.

I think that would help. I'll date these older, more experienced, more worldly people, and it's the power shift. Not that I have to have the power. But I want a piece of it.

This is going to sound conceited. Forgive me. But sometimes, I wonder, what it would be like, to not be pretty.

Would I have a personality?

See, I think I do have a personality, it just gets lost in all my...

I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking.

I dry cried last night. How I wished I could have cried some real tears. Over something silly, and I was just really frustrated with myself. I felt like I was PMS-ing hard-core--except I'm not, so that wasn't it.

What's wrong with me? I was having this weak, middle school crying moment, and it felt awful.

There must be something wrong, inside. I haven't figured it out.

I think I will call him....Bryan. I need...right now, my body, my soul, it's crying out for something just like him. He was addicting. I need a little injection of Bryan. Anais Nin writes in her journal (this is the Henry and June book) that Henry (..Miller, the person she's having an affair with) inspires such joy in her to be honest with him. Even though Bryan and I weren't sleeping with each other--I don't think I was really ready for it, and he said he wouldn't unless if he loved the girl--and in Henry and Anais seem to get it on, every other line of her journal, the intense passion she feels for him....

It's so weird, because Bryan really did have this crazy effect on me. And I never really acknowledged it. But this book is bringing so much of it back to me. Ah, honesty. Yes! I wanted to tell Bryan everything, every detail, every story, every thought. I don't think Bryan....understood me. We really didn't understand each other. Maybe I was just as strange to him, as he was to me.

He wanted to be with me. At first, he wanted the "us" and I couldn't. First of all I was still, or actually, right when I was meeting with Bryan for the first time, I was doing the same with Ryan--alternateen raver boy. If you know anything about me, Ryan was like a dream boy--a cute alternative boy likes me? whoo hoo! (I'm such the preppy wannabe!) Like I keep saying too, I wasn't attracted to Bryan, and I was very much so to Ryan. I loved both of their minds though. Ryan was so much everything too, because he had God.

Alright, so he claimed to be a Christian, and we never really got to explore that area, he definitly was not your typical Christian. Some how, Ryan made it work without seeming hypocritical. Not that Ryan ever tried anything, Bryan got further with me than he did. The best I have to say about Ryan, is back at his place, still rolling, and just giving each other these great massages. Not even kissing...although we did kiss, but....

Rambling.

Back to Bryan. He fed something in me, that felt like I was opening up this whole new side of me. I was getting so much out of him, and I felt at first that he was getting something out of me. But then one day he claimed that we had "lost our spark" and it was really all down hill from there. Like Aglaia had lost her novelty. It was this horrible feeling. Even when his ex-girl came back into the picture, probably the ultimate trigger that screwed us, I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to care for him, I wanted to give him something, make him stop hurting and he just...nothing. It was just over between us. It didn't seem like something he would do.

Me and Chris...I mean I understand. Seriously, I flirt with a guy all week long, kissing him, let some guy finger me in a hot-tub, which really is NOT me, and....I mean I can say I'm hurt that we're not together, because I am, but...I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't know why I'm even trying to parallel Bryan and Chris either.

I think part of it, the reason, is that they're both older, and I got their attention, with my looks. Which is why I was saying above. Being pretty, I wouldn't want to be something less, but it kind of ruins you almost. There's been studies that less attractive children develop smarter brains, are better at sports and yadda yadda, because they have to compensate for lesser looks, which in turn makes them better people, and they're happier later on in their life. And God, those reports just turn over in my mind, and...it scares me. Because I can totally see how it's true.

When I meet a guy I just instantly expect him to want me. That's how full of myself I am. I know I'm pretty and I expect a reaction, and these guys... Both with Bryan and Chris, it was like, I just wanted them to like me for some deeper reason, and I felt like they did. It took me awhile to believe it, and I think I always doubt it, with everyone I meet. Like, it's this secret. That I have a pretty face, but i'm completely boring inside. And with Bryan and Chris both it's like...if i was anything more than a pretty face would it be so easy to drop me like that?

Which isn't fair, cuz there were things going on in both circumstances. I seriously believe Chris liked me, and I think Bryan was...well, damaged goods.

I gotta go to class...later. Go read my rave/ryan link above, such good times--it's so weird to read your writing from so long ago! Especially cuz I'm still quoting and explaining the same stories that I do now, I didn't realize I had read Stranger last year. Anyway, bye!