27 December 2002

Hi.

I think I ate too much :( But hey, I couldn't say no, to one more cookie, you know?

I had a pretty pissy PMS month. I am naturally an emotional person, and I *know* I get extra sensitive when I'm PMSing, and it all fluctuates, but some months the "depression" is worst than others. There will be about three days where I'm practically manic. I'll be high on high, and then just so....sad.

So sad, my heart hurts, my mind is heavy, and everything seems pretty terrible. I pretty much beat myself up, feel awful and cry, over nothing, about nothing, which leads into everything, and I start wondering why people like me, start thinking about how useless and aimless I feel.

And later on in the day I laugh/apologize to everyone about my earlier episodes and move on, but i know inside, I never really move on, and chances are it'll happen again next month. Like I said, some months are worse than others, and I don't know if there's anything in particular other than testy hormones that make it fine sometimes and not the others, but it's all rather unpleasant.

I've been reading Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. I'm not sure why I picked it up. Perhaps for some soul searching. I was hoping I'd feel a little Bryan.Lol, I would love to hear what he would think from all my ongoing dialogues about him in this diary. I can't help it, he touched me in a way that no other person has. And whether he's just another guy or really something fantastic it doesn't matter at this point, because he's really more of a creation in my mind, and that's okay too.

Wow. How I would love to see him and sit down with him. I know I....used him. And he probably understood that. But I couldn't help it, I just wanted to sit and listen to him talk about how he saw the world and how he saw me, because I felt as if I gained all this amazing insight to who I was (from how HE saw it!). And how I wanted to please him! I just wanted him to be impressed, to find some worthy element, some vibrant passion inside of me. I think on some level, I'm still struggling, desiring to match what he saw as purpose. As Rand views purpose.

Believe me, Rand, I'd love to know what I was created for. I am a....dedicated and loyal person. I put my heart into everything I do, and I love when I have a project that I can throw my everything in to.

I keep reading and the characters keep stressing how important it is to really dedicate yourself to your work, to produce, to fill yourself up, with everything you create in your work, and I feel so hopeless, and useless.

I know I am intelligent, and persistant and whatever position I am put in I would try my best, but I just...god, I just want to know what I can do. I don't feel like I really enjoy doing anything. I don't feel as if I ever "turn on" and just click with something. Where am I happy? What makes me happy? What am I living for?

I'm not living for anything. I keep going until the next day to do whatever things I have to do, so I can acquire tiny marks of pleasure until I get to the next day. Jeff makes me happy, and I don't want to rely on him.

But I don't know what to do, or how to make it better.

I need God.

I need her so much. I need to be wrapped up, and taken away. I want to feel inspired, I want to wake up. I feel as if I've been sleeping for so long. I want to feel...amazing!

Lol, don't we all? But i can't explain it, when I...experience god, when my mind explodes, it feels so good. I feel so...like a child learning so many things at once, it's overpowering, but it's...the world stops, but races at once, because there is no time, there just..is. I need to find a CWG group in my city. I need fellowship, I need something. I need to be reminded, I want to remember, because right now I am not satisfied with my life. I am not satisfied with who I am. And i just wish i could find some focus, and figure out what I'd like to be doing right now.

I want to meet people. I want to travel. I want to learn...but not the dumb things I learn in class, I want my eyes to be opened. There were moments in my WS class this past quarter, where I could feel my heart flutter. That quiet excitement building inside you. I wish someone could have transcribed what was discussed in that classroom, because ideas and thoughts were tossed around, too new for me to really understand, but enough for a flash of "ah!" to hit me, that I desired to hear more. But it all went so fast. I can't even tell you what I learned in that class. I think we tried to cover too much, and I wish there would have been more close analysis of subjects rather than try to experience it all.

I know I don't make much sense, and my words are drifting, because I'm writing straight from the tangents of my mind, with no plan nor general topic to refer to.

I guess the topic is:what is aglaia doing with her life?

I need to have the "future" talk with Jeff. I don't know why it scares me. There is no doubt in my mind that being with Jeff (even for the next 70 years, agh!) is what I want. Marriage is only abstractly understood in my mind, and I recognize that, but our relationship, the "us," that--I have no fears or confusions about. We have six months until we graduate, and I'm not chasing after him to a new city, unless if this is going somewhere. And I don't even think that he feels differently than I do, and if we were to talk about marriage, I think he would want that.

I guess, I feel cautious, only because we are young, and I don't even necessarily want to get married right out of college or anything, but I feel like if I make us discuss it, he'll feel that is what I want. Plus, we need to discuss children, and I need to discuss my spirituality with him.

I've been hurt. I feel so much angst towards "The Church" and Christians in general that....the thought of being hurt, by Jeff, scares me so much (oh geez, now I'm crying...). Especially, because I had two relationships tainted and strained with religious issues, that I just can't bare to think that something like that could get between Jeff and I. Because when it starts getting down to it, all the things that are supposed to make this life living, everything that is based on life after death and so on, it is balanced on so many personal and strongly connected feelings.

And he's not...even a practicing catholic, and I don't really know what he feels, because I haven't talked to him. But....for someone who has probably never felt God, it's hard to explain my philosophies. If you have never studied eastern thought, it's going to be hard to seriously swallow the basis behind Advaita Vedantism (the closest ideology that that I feel any similarity in beliefs to).

But anyway. I gotta do it. I need to talk to him about where we are leading (and assuming he is seeing marriage at some point in the future too....) what we're going to do about the children issue, and how he sees God.

It's strange, I find him practically perfect in everyway for me, except in his relationship to God. And i keep wondering, deep down, what if...what if, he is non-practicing because something didn't satisfy him, that something could, and he too could...believe as I did?

Nothing could break us then.