I don't feel angry. But I do feel sad. I feel...really scared.

There's this part of me. This trickle of honesty that keeps dripping on my heart's. And it's kind of back there waiting for me to acknowledge it. And occasionally, I'll pause and feel it, but I'll push it back. To answer if we're fixable...to really sit down and think about it, is just too hard. It's a decision....that affects my whole life, my whole future.

And I'll think, Oh, we'll have to set some time aside to really think through that. --like it's something on a "to do" list. I can't think about it any other way than to make jokes in my head, to be casual in my own thoughts, when the subject is incredibly serious.

I've wanted to move out for awhile now. I mean, I've wanted to move ever since I graduated from college. At first, thinking it was a temporary couple of months, until Jeff and I would find jobs I was not too concerned.

This worked out okay. I got a job (it was local not in a big city as I had hoped, but yes, a job!) I still thought, perhaps after my conference in February that I was planning, Jeff and I could move then.

Well, we/he never really came up with a plan. He still couldn't find a job. At this point he was working for a family friend's business. We still lived at home.

Sure, I was saving money. But at what personal growth price? My relationship with my mom is not great and she drives me crazy. Plus, I don't think it was good for Jeff and I and...it's embarrassing when I talk about mom & dad all the time at work...since I'm trying to be a working professional now. ;)

I never thought I would still be here, another Christmas later. I done...I'm moving out of here. If it's with Jeff, by myself or some stranger I don't care, but I need to move out of my house. I still have hope that Jeff and I will move out of the city--so fine, I can look for short rental periods or anything, but I cannot live at home any longer.

So, I talk to Jeff about it and he seems okay with it. We go look at one place but it's a little too "college-y." We're hoping to find a house to rent that has a little history and funk to it. There are a lot of great historical "villages" in the city with great houses. Wood floor, high ceilings, exposed brick walls. I love it!

I think we would both be okay in an apartment housing complex, but they're so generic and boring...that we're focusing attention on actual housing areas that rent out. So, we agree to go a weekend after to just go out and check out neighborhoods we like.

I call him last Saturday to go and it feels like I'm forcing him to go. I don't get it. If he really didn't want to go (for whatever the reason) it would have been better not to. He was a complete grump. After driving around for hours where he doesn't do anything I finally ask what's up and all I get is he has a headache.

I think he's really been bumming himself out internally about his job situation. I am desperate to get out of my house. He is desperate to get a job. It does suck because he's so incredibly talented and to be working at this place he's at now, where it's sucking the life out of him aka "OfficeSpace" and there's nothing I can do to help him. I try to support him, but to be honest at this point....with over a year and no luck I'm beginning to think he's doing something wrong.

But, I know it's a tough area and I don't know....I simply don't know what he's doing wrong. I'm sick of my parents giving me suggestions to give to him, as his parents to give to Jeff. Whatever his problem is....the only person that can solve that is him. He needs to wake up and realize that whatever he is doing isnt' working and to take the steps to improve it.

I can talk all I want about what I think he could or should be doing but what it really comes down to is his own motivation to try other things. He doesn't like to share what he's doing either so I've just stopped asking.

So we have this crappy day out it just reminds me how much I feel like he controls the mood of our relationship. No matter how I'm feeling I always try to put something out there. My mom is right, I *AM* moody, but they come in quick flashes. And, I recognize when I'm like that and I always tell people upfront (okay, not strangers ;) but I try to let me family know...he, i'm not feeling great, if I say something or behave out of line, let me know, but also recognize...I don't feel like "me."

What's bad with Jeff is I try to tell him...when I'm like that to basically say "hey, not a good idea to hang out" (like I wish he would say to me!) and instead of being...i don't know if he has to be "appreciative" but at least acknowledge that I'm trying to be proactive, he just seems hurt and disappointed that I don't want to hang out with him--and it's like, it has nothing to do with that.

But what I'm getting at is when Jeff is in his dark place...the world collapses under his depression. I don't know why he agrees to hang out if I call...or why he would call me to hang out if he's like that, but he always does. So I'm left to sit in his black hole...which doesn't end. And he can go for a couple of days like that. After 4.5 years I still haven't figured out how I'm supposed to act when he's like that. I've tried all kinds of techniques to bring him out of the funk but usually all it does is make me feel anxious that he's upset with me or angry that he doesn't respond to anything I do like I do not exist.

That's how it makes me feel. Like I don't exist and I am not important...how else could you treat someone that you know so well and love like that? I know that's a simplistic thought and I'm sure he's not purposely trying to hurt or punish me...he's simply in some state of being where he's working on his own demons (which may or may not include me) and in the meantime, I just have to ride it out. I try to ride it out and I try not to take it to heart when he's like that and hope he's just having boy PMS and we'll move on.

The problem is, when I do get in angry, or when I do feel insulted, I don't want to feel that way towards him and especially, if it is about me, I want him to just share. Okay, so that's the girl in me...I want him to talk to me. Jeff's dark moods are an angry and frustrated concentration of thoughts that just brood in there. If it's about work, if it's about his family, if it's about anything...let me in. I want to talk to him, I want to share with him.

I may not have answers or really be able to understand his situation at work but I will listen. I will hold him and be there and I'd much rather do that then feel invisible beside him. If I'm having an off-day or if I'm feeling vulnerable...then guaranteed I'm going to think it's me. When it happened in school...it was usually about his design classes. I think when it happens now...it's probably about his job. But, you know, sometimes it is about me.

We have a nickname for each other...and without sharing it basically is a way to say we are the same person. Or we together are a match. It's because we think alike, act the same way and like the same things that he does seem to be just another half or another part of me. So, you have to wonder...if I'm falling back, wondering about our breaks wondering if we can be fixed as we slip further apart.

It might be a pretty good guess that he is too.

I think too, having this issue of moving in together, that's a pretty good time to really begin thinking about the seriousness of our relationship. He for some reason is all of a sudden concerned that my father will be upset if we move in together and I wonder if this is just a way for him to say he doesn't want to.

My family knows that from day 1 I intended on moving in with Jeff. Hell, if I wasn't, why am I living at home again?

Yes, it would be a little easier if we were moving away and it was a matter of convenience and made financial sense. Here, living in our home city we could easily find a friend to room with or find cost effective living on our own. But, I have no doubt in my mind that my parents know we are going to move in together whether it's here or away.

After 4.5 years I don't think my dad really thinks I'm waiting for marriage. I'm sure my mom and him have talked, but even if they haven't digged into the details (who would!) he has to know. Plus, we've gone on trips together. We got a hotel room together at my sister's wedding. I gave him a weekend away at a lodge as a gift once...we obviously have had plenty of opportunity, so dad can't be too out there on this one.

We've been looking at 2br apartments mostly b/c we want space to have an office. But, while I suppose you could turn your head away before there's nothing like "hey! We're doing IT!" than two people living in the same apartment with only one bedroom. Jeff got all antsy all of a sudden.

My dad is very laid back. My parents as a grouping are very supportive. They will tell me I'm sure if they disapprove but they wouldn't say "no" romeo & juliet style. It's my own life and I'm an adult.

And to be honest if my parents "forbid it" or made a real issue about it, I would do it anyway! I know Jeff doesn't want to be the one caught in the middle of a fight like that...but, for that reason alone my parents wouldn't make a big deal about it. Family is important and they would never disown me or someone I was with.

Oh, I'm just talking in circles. Anyway, Jeff has been completely uninvolved in our house search. I don't know why the hesitation as it could be a lot of reasons but he's not saying anything. When I ask he's apparently all for it, even when I cautiously threw out there that I could apartment search on my own (as in, just for me) he didn't sound like that's what he wanted.

I gues it's fair to say he may not know what he wants.

I don't know what I do.

There used to be a time that if Jeff would call and ask to hang out, I would automatically want to go to his place...because the potential for having sex was zero at mine and rather doable at his.

I never think about having sex with Jeff.

I don't ever expect to have good sex with him.

How's that for a big message that something is wrong? I cannot remember the last time the sex was good. More shamefully...er, when was the last time we had sex? I think we had sex maybe two times in November and they were both crappy during our BA trip.

Sometimes, when we kiss or when he touches me....I feel disgusting. Somehow my mind gets trapped around this idea and the more we kiss the more it grosses me out. I think part of it, is that I'm feeling more self conscious about my body and some of the weight gain. I know I still have a nice body but to me it's not what I like or want and I find my own self disappointing. I hate that too. I don't want to self-destruct.

I do not get aroused when we are together. I like when he holds me and I like being close to him. But I do not think about sex with him. I still think about sex but my fantasies always involve someone else or some unknown.

That in itself is not too troubling as I've always fantasized about other people, I think that's normal, but to not think about him at all....or to feel like I am this completely weird and unsexual person when I am with him...then to be able to go home and still feel sexual. It's confusing. I want to feel sexual with him. What do you do when you just can't?

I don't think we're a lost cause. I have an investment in this relationship. And sure I could list off a number of reasons to keep it going but most of all...I love him. I love him so much and he's so important to me. I don't think life is easy or that building and keeping relationships are easy. I think it takes a lot of hard, dedicated work. I don't want to just give up on something when I think we could be very happy together.

Gotta run..