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Just rambling
13 February 2008
Well, I am officially signed up to run a marathon in Chicago. My pre-running schedule had been going well and I had even lost some weight and then....I had to travel for work. It has been really stressful lately at work so I'm glad I've been making eating right and working out a priority. It's work being so structured but I really do think that's how I function the best. But, I had to travel to New Orleans for work and I already knew going into it that it would be a struggle to maintain my routine. First, I knew already I did not plan on denying myself of going out and enjoying the food. When I am working a meeting it consists of incredibly long hours and the only real pleasure out of the day is trying a new restaurant in the evening. It's hard to be healthy eating out in the first place, but I really didn't want to worry about it. I just wanted to be able to go, order something that sounded good and then simply enjoy it for what it was and not be food conscious. I know it's not the right attitude (I could, with some effort still probably order something that sounded good but was prepare in a more healthful way) but going into it I was prepared my diet wouldn't be all that great. I didn't purposely indulge but I didn't avoid anything either. When I am running regularly I try to be aware of 'junk miles' --miles ran simply to say you ran them even if it isn't a good run. When I am exhausted, working 13,14 hour days at these meetings it's just hard to fit in exercise when sleep or some quiet down time is really want I need to recharge. So, I only ended up running once while I was there. And, since returning last Sunday I have not been to the gym at all this week. I've been so tired and I've been working late then coming home and napping. It will be a week without the gym by the time I step on that treadmill tomorrow. I hope that it goes well. I find a bad run really depresses me.
I know it's time to talk to Jeff. We carefully joke around the marriage line...talking about it, around it, without really saying anything and I think it's important that I really know what he's feeling and thinking.
I don't want to 'pressure' him but on the other hand I don't think it's unreasonable to know where he is right now. Or when people ask me what he's waiting for...I just feel that much more foolish when I say I don't know. I don't know if it's just comfortable and I'm giving away the milk for free (so why buy the cow?) or he genuinely still has doubts. And if he does have doubts....then doesn't that say something? And not in a good way? I mean, if he does have doubts then we should be striving to resolve them. Because at some point you just need to make a leap of faith or you need to decide that this isn't the relationship for you if you've been with someone that long and you still have doubts. I also keep going back and forth about a wedding. At this point I really would be happy to just to be called his wife. But, I don't want to regret not having a full wedding --I mean, if I don't, is that something I'll always wonder about? My gut reaction is no. Haha, I'm so anti-social and I don't really like weddings and receptions. They feel forced and you have such an eclectic group of people it's not really that much fun. I think I would be worrying about how bored everyone was rather than just enjoying it being 'my day.' Someone would have to get me drunk so I could stop worrying about everyone else! I still like the idea of a destination wedding but...I don't really like the idea of hassling with all the money and again...worrying if people could make it. Now that my brother has a child and difficult wife I'm lucky if I get to see him once a year. Would he make the effort to see me off in Italy? My sister just had her first child last month. Think she's really going anywhere? It all seems so expensive. And even though I'm a meeting planning and love the logics of planning an event....the idea of planning my own wedding sounds awful. All the little details I see everyone fawning over...I just don't think I would care. Maybe if it was my own wedding but....I really don't think I would. I just don't get excited about those things. Big items, sure....dress, venues, cake and band but all the invitations and favors and flowers, bleh. Plus, with Jeff's designer background I really wouldn't pick anything. He's the one who really cares about colors and form. Anyway, obviously he needs to propose first, haha. I guess because that next step forward is so intimately linked with the wedding I can't help but think that is what is holding him back. Even a small wedding on a budget can still be ridiculously expensive. Both of us love to travel so much I think it's hard to justify spending thousands of dollars on a party when we could take that and go to Asia! But, again, these aren't things to discuss with diaryland...they're things to discuss with Jeff. I know I work things up too much and I really need to be discussing it with him. I guess it's always hard for me to take that leap because it's a world of unknown. I don't know what he's going to say and I don't want to get hurt. Plus, I'm really not in a place where I'm going anywhere if he says he's not ready or interested in marriage. As long as he continues to say he's interested in ME then I'm going to be here! Engagement, wedding...it seems so anti-climatic after dating so long. It's not a fairytale whirlwind but I would just like to make us official. I would like to be married. I would like to be a wife. Why? Because I'm really excited to make things official, to truly enter into a union and to finally say we can begin planning the rest of our life together. I know a marriage doesn't necessarily mean forever. It doesn't guarantee anything but it is something I want and I would feel a lot better being able to move forward knowing we have both made the biggest commitment of our lives. We come from families where both of our parents are still together. Where you learn to work things out not give up.
I've been thinking of taking up the Blog365 challenge (blog every single day). It's likely if I attempted to do this most of the entries would be about my running schedule. I can't decide if this is the diary to do that or if I should start a new one to report on my progress.
Haven't decided yet. I think getting on each day and writing would be a good thing for me.
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