8 January 2001

I miss Jeff.

Homework's done, things have quieted down...normally this is when I'd be making my trek down to sigma chi.

We'd watch Leno, Conan, and joke about how much we hate the show "later".

He'd playfully grab my sides until I shriek with giggles for him to stop.

People would come in and out, chit chat, randoms, short stories, and knowing winks.

I'd slip into a pair of Jeffrey plaid pajama pants. Maybe a lacrosse t-shirt from HS. Pull out the futon, or head up to the dormer.

We'd kiss. We'd talk. We'd whisper.

We'd love.

And I'd wake up to do life and school, and Jeff all over again. Companionship. The best benefit to having a solid, committed boyfriend/girlfriend, relationship. It's probably the biggest thing that makes me wonder how long-distant relationships work. It's the time you get to spend, that you're allowed, that you welcome. That constant conversation. The warmth of two bodies beside each other. The jokes you share. This is it! This is the....the "whole" of what you've been trying to get at, that dating never really qualifies or gives you. It's the permission. The supposed to.

You're stripped of dating rules. Freed from your insecurities. Bonded with trust. A door opened to your soul to let everything come out. Honesty. Silliness.

I'm in love with him.

School is going. For some reason I believe this quarter will go fast. Not because my classes are so exciting. It just feels....that it will for some reason. If I make goals and work for them, it will feel like daily progress. I work out, I lift weights, I feel good about myself, and I can look forward to completing it again the next day.

I go to work, I make money, I'm one step closer to getting myself to Cancun, to Greece, to buying a car. Now I look forward to the next day I will work.

On this date, I will go here. How can I prepare? Today I studied for this. When will the day come?

I have this problem of randomly deleting diaries I read a lot. I mean there are the diary crushes of course of those fab ladies and gents that will always stick around in the faves folder until they decide to stop writing. But then, there are others, that I have been reading as long equally, but one day, their entry will be boring, or they won't update in a week, and BAM they're in the wastebasket.

I was just thinking...that if I read Aglaia, I would have been wastebasketed because of my lulls between writing. As I have said before, I think I write "diaryland entries" in my head all day long, through every thought and event, that I either feel I have written about it....or I just never make it over to d-land to write it.

It's like exercise. How can I justify taking an hour off to work out, when I have homework to do.

Of course, I'm usually not doing my homework. I'm chatting with friends, or surfing the 'net. Which is equally time consuming, but so much less effortless. Or I figure...I'll look at just one more page...or answer one more email, then I'll do my homework. I mean I usually don't, but it's a whole lot easier to expect myself to get off in a minute, than to be done exercising in a half hour or whatever.

Did that make sense? So things like...working out, or d-land get sided. I know if I sit down to write, I'll write and write until I get everything out.

I don't have time for that, right? :)

My computer has been having major difficulties. I mean I just bought it, and now it's fucking with me. First of all these generic cheapy IBM knockoffs are plain crappy. And I don't know if it's the computer or just my 'net connection, but I'll frequently get connected and be technically "online" but the WWW won't work. "Can't find server" it tells me.

And that's for every page I punch in. AIM won't work half the time (be it WWW is working or not.) And then, when I try to shut down, or reset, it gets frozen, and since there's no damn reset button on the computer, and just pressing the "on" button won't turn it off, I have to get on my hands and knees and crawl under my desk to actually unplug the damn thing.

Then I start it all over again.

Today it said it didn't detect my mouse. It took like three restarts before it decided that the fact my mouse was plugged in and fine to go ahead and accept its presence. Gee thanks mr "ecomputer". You suck.

I think I have some bacteria infection....down there. I want to say it's a yeast infection, but it doesn't itch. I'm just producing a funky discharge. (I'm sorry I'm telling you this, really ;)

I need to go see my doc, but I'm about to get my period. I'm not really too interested in spreading the eagle if you catch my drift when the crimson tide is a flowing. At the same time, last time Jeff and I had sex, we had to stop because of he was having a....dryness issue.

And it wasn't an Aglaia thing. It was him. Also while giving him a minnie hand-job, I noticed some bumps and some dry skin. Talk about grodiness. If I do have a yeast infection, I could have certaintly passed it on to him. And if I did, I feel pretty horrible about it. Or at least, whatever I have, I'm beginning to think I had to have given it to him. (Unless it's some STD that just now started giving us symptoms.) In that case I'm gonna have to say that he originally gave it to me. Chris and I always used a condom, unless that....first night. Which wasn't really my first night.

My pseudo virginity losing night. If you've been keeping up, you remember, right? Either way, I'd like to see my doctor and just get tested for every STD out walking the block these days. I think about it more than a normal person should worry about these things I think. I mean, I still don't think I have one, but who's to know for sure, until I get tested, you know? Yeah, I'd like to hope Jeff is clean, but sex definitly brings along more than pregnancy worries these days. I worry about getting something incurable, or something that is ruining my birth giving abilities and me not even being aware of it. It's too scary about how many STD's there are that don't have symptoms.

So what should I do....what if my "std" clears up with my period? Still go to the doc. And should I tell Jeff? I mean, if he does have some infection, he should probably see a doctor. And I don't want him feeling all bad about the "situation." I mean, it was okay, we had sex, and I *hope* that didn't hurt him, but when we went for a second try, it was too painful for him. That has to be so hard for him to do. To tell me he couldn't have sex.

La la la. Okay.

Hey, my bi-sexual girl from Theatre is in my Psych. class. How lovely is that? Speaking of lovely she certainly is looking it herself. I don't remember her being so blond. Boy do I have a thing for blond girls, it just doesn't make any sense. I still don't know how I would actually react if given the situation to "experiment" with a girl. Being drunk would probably help. But even though, I don't know. I could see myself running out of the room, shaking my head and gagging if presented the opportunity. ;)

No offense to all you women loving gals. I think females have this incredibly sexual body. Society bombardment of the female body, as well as the continuing pressures that make you compare yourself at every moment...I think it does cause some sort of admiring in everyone to look at each other.

Of course, it doesn't lead us all to act out on bisexual/lesbian tendencies. But...if I were to ever give it a "go" at least, now would have to be the time. I really do not see myself 30 and married, and trying to make out with my husband's best friend's wife or something. Haha. I don't know, I'm stupid.

How about some ditties and shout-outs?

"Now when I write, I think of Diarylanders I've corresponded with, and what they are thinking about me. I won't name names, but at some point the voices in other diaries DO become real people to you. People who you slightly alter yourself for.....As much I love connecting with the people I read, and the people who read me... a diary isn't the place to build a relationship. With anyone. Correspondence compromises honesty."--bigboy.

If you've been writing long enough, I think everyone probably gets to this point. Which makes it so difficult. Because part of being online, and pouring your inner secrets and thoughts out, is the thought of making a connection.

You hope someone understands, someone laughs at your jokes, and others experience exactly what you do, in that knowing way all humans really behave and think.

But, at the same time....a diary needs to be a personal escape. Free yourself from conformity. Free yourself from making good impressions, or being constantly witty. A spot to analyze yourself without being considered self-centered (or feel ashamed you're so self-centered ;). After all...isn't this all about ME? But who cares...we're all here thinking about the ME. And while I don't consider to have any diaryland "friendships", and I'll probably never meet anyone from this community.....I still...find myself wanting to impress them.

That mysterious them. That person, or persons who reads and says they understand. Do they? Would they? Does a new confession turn them away? Does a boring entry lead to a quick favorites delete? Should I update just so they come back? Should I try to be artsy and not talk about college cliches so others will respect me?

If I say I'm in love one moment, and talk about another boy the next paragraph, has my credibility been lowered even if its what i'm feeling--or there's so much more that I don't say? (But do people even worry?)

It's like an embarressing moment, or a bad hair day. I think we (the personal a) notice and worry and remember...and care far more (if being the only one at all!) than do others. Let's repeat: that the world doesn't technically revolve around ourselves... Although, I often lead my life that way.

I try hard to be myself. To not leave something out because it "doesn't make me look good." Or to skip on an intimate detail (because it's probably the biggest thing on my mind.) Maybe it shouldn't be on the 'net. But maybe...it's the feedback that we ask for but don't really want that makes it so much fun.

What do "they" think of me?

The87Loft:"Don't get me wrong. I like sex. I'm just not one to seek it out. It all seems like a lot of work for a ten-second high, followed by concerns of pregnancies and STD's."

I hear ya sister! Although...I frequently seek it out with Jeff. Haha. ;)

And..Euphonious:"I've been having these really strange feelings lately. My body is just craving to burst out of my flesh. Or maybe it's my soul. I want to throw up my inner being...it's just aching to come out and taste the world..."

It's some of the best and most confusing times when I feel exactly like this. It's a "Seek Up" for something more, something better, but you don't know what.

Pray in God's name. Life Is. You Are.

Namaste!