21 December 2001

Hey did I ever mention that I got the results back from my second pap, and it turned up normal? I'm going to have another pap taken in six months just to make sure, but if that comes up okay then i'll be back to my normal once a year pap taking self. So that's good.

BUT, I still had goodly (sorry, private joke) amounts of yeast hanging out though. So my doc gave me a prescription to fix that up.

The only thing, is that the pill could mess with my birth control and make it less successful. So I asked the pharmacy how long I need to use back up birth control and the guy told me that to be most secure I should do it through my whole cycle, although it was very unlikely that I would get pregnant anyway.

So....okay when I took the prescription I was on my period so wasn't really worrying about it, because I wouldn't start my next cycle for awhile. Also, since things had still been a bit wierd between jeff and I (i don't know...maybe we hadn't had sex in so long, it was weird getting back in the swing of things without feeling too cheesy and pressured to do it) we still didn't have sex even once my period was over for a few days.So finally, last night, we had sex.

But we didn't used back up protection.

Which is really dumb, but I took the pill almost a week and a half ago...and it was supposed to do its magic in only a couple days. So is it really in my system anymore?

But even more important...do I really want to tempt fate like that? I guess it had been so long since we had had sex anyway, I didn't have the heart to tell him to go put on a condom, which is pretty pathetic and dumb, but it happened and oh well.

I guess, because my period is *so* regular because of the pill, I'm going on the whole counting system to guess when I can get pregnant anyway. I counted it out and the five days my "pregnancy window" opens is from this Sat to next Wed. So I guess, I made it okay for us to not use protection (in my head), because I don't even think i'm ovulating anyway. And I know that was dumb...obviously if the counting method was that accurate we'd all just use it and be fine.

So, I have it in my head that if Jeff and I have sex between Sat and Wed I will use a condom.

We'll see.

Jeff got kind of mad at me the other day. And within good reason. We usually see each other at night (often after work, so 11-12) and I guess by that point, just sitting around, not doing much...hey, I get tired.

And he was complaining that it seemed like all I ever do is come over, and go to sleep. And the sad thing...that *was* what I was kind of doing. And I felt really bad, and dumb, and didn't know what to say when he told me, other than he was right, and I was sorry. I just have to make a more active decision to stay awake when I'm over there. The thing is...

I'll just have to leave (right now i'm living at home, and w/ curfew--so typically over break i'd come over, sleep and then drive back home.)

Often we just sit around and watch tv or a movie. So if you sit me in a dark room, with just a movie on, or just lying there kissing/spooning...yeah, i'm going to fall asleep.

I do feel bad it's gotten to a point, where (perhaps) we weren't even having sex (because of me) because I was falling asleep.

Then tonight at work he told me about this grumpy old couple that I had served a couple of times had come in the other night. I guess they told the hostess that they specifically did not want to sit in *my* section. Then he told me how everyone was laughing about it.

I guess....I was really hurt by it. Okay, just by chance the two times I had served them I messed up on 'em. And I can admit fault, and I messed up, and hey, they didn't want to be with me--that's fine, the first time (when it wasn't my fault anyway) they made me cry and they were really mean about everything. And the fact that they asked not to be served by me...yeah that's a blow to my self-esteem, and I don't want my manager or the cooks to all think I'm this terrible server. Sure I have mess up's occasionally, but on an average given night--I don't mess up, and things go fine, and I think I'm a pretty good server.

I just felt really dumb, and if it had stayed between the couple and the hostess that would have been better. KNowing that all the servers/cooks and who knows who else were laughing at me....yeah, i was a little upset. So I was kind of mad that he even told me at this point, and just angry all over, because I felt like I was this horrible server, when I don't think I am.

I was kind of...bubbling inside, and even had to go to the restroom to just go and cry, becuase i was feeling pretty bad about myself. And I know writing this it sounds all melodramatic and dumb, but I take a lot of personal pride in what I do, and however insincere this may sound, I truly want every one of my customers to have a good experience when they come into the restaurant, and when things go wrong, I beat myself up about it.

Anyway, I was reasonably pouty at this point and Jeff noticed and asked me what's up. And I eventually tell him that I was kind of upset about what he told me and I felt really dumb and kind of annoyed that everyone was laughing at me.

I don't know if he's telling the truth or not, but he told me everyone was laughing at the situation, because this couple is mighty grumpy, and the fact that they would ask *not* to sit in my section wasn't funny because (I suck) but because they don't like the service no matter who they have, so it was just funny that they thought I was the problem.

So I'm thinking: whatever.

He then told me that maybe they just don't like girls, because when he and another male server had them, they both receieved compliments on their service.

But that just made me feel more shitty, that I screwed up on them (enough for them to remember my name!). It was just bad luck.

I've served people before of whom I screwed up really bad with the first time and followed up with nice service. I mean serving is all about timing and chance, and unfortunatly some people get knocked by both.

So all of you who have receieved bad service...I apologize, sometimes things just go wrong and it really isn't our fault, and sometimes it is our fault and we try our best to fix it.

But goodness, don't be mean to us!

So...I think JEff was mad, that *I* was mad,(he felt like i was being mean/i was mad at him) and we both kind of didn't talk much to each other for the rest of the evening (but, he was cooking, so it's not like we would have been talking that much anyway). BUT, it still felt a bit tension-like on his way out, and when I called him tonight after work, I could still feel it (even though he told me nothing was wrong.) And whenever we don't do something with each other, I always feel like something wrong (cuz usually we can't wait to hang out with each other).

So now I'm feeling low and down, and I'm sure it'll all be fine and dandy tomorrow, but in the meantime i'm still internalizing and it sucks.

bye.