3 March 2000

What a week

The other day I was thinking that this week went by so fast. Now I'm beginning to think it was really long. Oh, so long. I lot of stuff happened this week. I don't know, maybe it didn't.

It was my hell week for Alpha Xi Delta this week.....er, "inspiration week" as they call it now. It began on Monday, and all the pledges had to spend the night at the house all week long. We didn't know when we go active, and in the meantime, we were at the whims of our "big sisters" and what not. Thank goodness for no hazing laws. They would share stories of what they had to do, and that would have really sucked. The sleep deprivetion I have undergone, I think equalled enough hell for me. But it was fun. :)

The connection I have made with my girls, it's just so amazing. If I can tell you anything it is: Go Greek. More and more I keep thinking I have made the best decision of my life. And yes, it is more than the parties and the beer, it's the friendships and support you build within your sororities community. It's just really, cool I guess, I can't think of a word that can articulate it.

I never made it to bed on Tuesday. I've never done that before. I mean I have, I've stayed up all night before, but then I'll go to bed around seven or so, you know? Never have i gone through that "period" of time, where you are just deathly tired. (I was so awake all night...and morning long, until i hit it: at 8:20AM) But once i got through it, i was awake again, and it's this really interesting feeling. You begin to think that sleep isn't necessary. That maybe you only think you need to sleep because you have always conditioned yourself to do so.

I think about that a lot. What is real, or what is created. How much in our life really makes us who we are, molds us into these shapes, how would it change if we didn't have it, what habits are society formed, or what are natural? And not just things we do, how about the thoughts we have. Our thoughts on right and wrong, or appropriate bahvior.

I feel so weird today. I have this, like my body is here, but my mind is not. I feel cold, withdrawn, my lips are pierced, my breath drawn in from the small space between my lips instead of my nose. I don't know why I am breathing like that.

I want to be with R. I wonder if I will call him. I'm split between a few things I want to do tonight. I could just go to a movie with Kathryn or Holly...or R. I could find a party with my sisters or other people just around. I could go home. Or I could just sleep. I want to sleep. I want to sleep for long hours, read magazines, catch up on Dawson and Roswell.

I bet I sleep most of tomorrow away. I can't afford to. My mind was occupied with greek stuff so much this week. Didn't give me a chane to panic about photography. But it's there. It's a real threat. It's a problem that i must conquer. I feel strangely unconcerned.

I got drunk last night. Had a blast too. I played this flip a cup drinking game. It was alright, i played it for like an hour when we first got there, our team was all crazy about it ;) It's something to do, but i don't necessarily think it gets you drunk any faster. I think I would actually probably drink more just standing around and sipping.

I was a maniac on the dance floor. Think I was ripping it up, I felt so good about my dancing. I felt kind of awkward at the Red Zone last week. Do drugs really help that much?