31 August 2001

I'm going out dancing Saturday night. Some pretty good DJ's are coming to a local club, bringing along the GateCrasher lights/soundsystem from London with them. Should be interesting.

I saw all the set up on a postcard, and my first thoughts were "it's such a shame"...and what I was thinking, was (it's such a shame) that I couldn't roll and experience all the colors. It's not that the club isn't fun, or the music isn't as amazing, but the whole environment does change when you roll. I'm still going to dance like I'm the hottest thing there, spreading out, and making people move so I have room ;) I'm still gonna sweat and turn pink, and praise the Dj, praise the music, love my boyfriend, and love the people, but once altered, it's always altered.

Some people from work may be going. There's this guy who works in the back doing salads and he's actually really hot. He's got that scruffy I'm an alternateen thing going on, but really he goes to a really good (hard and expensive!) school, he's a great athlete (diving!) and teaches it to all age levels. He looks romantic, and sweet, and honest, and young. He's leaving in a few weeks to go back to school. It's a shame.

He's the best damn salad chef we have. ;)

Actually, he really is the best salad boy. Always works hard, and knows what he's doing. I can't really say that about any other person who does salads. I think he's coming Saturday night. He says he likes to dance. That should be funny to watch. Any guy who gives you that "oh yeah" nod and wink when you ask them if they like to dance should be interesting! Haha.

I've got these really cheesy black sparkly pants that I want to wear (w/ a black tube top..haha which usually turns into a crop top, the way Jeff is always playing with my stomach ;) I can't decide how I feel about these pants. They're really not me (I'm not that flashy) but I think they're kind of fun. On the other hand, I bought them at a department store (which always leaves a cheesy flair on everything, I think ;) and they're not quite long enough on me. (5'9+ girls, where do *you* find your pants?!) But...I mean my normal clubbin' pants really aren't long enough for me either.

Ahuh, not important really, i'm sure I'll find something.

Jeff just came over. I wish there was something for us to do. We watched part of Beverly Hills Slums. Actually, I liked it. The main girl, she's a fun actress. She should get more starring work.

I started reading Communion with God by Neale Walsch. It's nice to be back. It was as if once I awakened, I had this huge explosion to find others, and to see if anyone else felt the way I did (about life, God.) And it's like I came up dry. Either my friends don't talk/care/want to think about God, or they're Christians so set on what they believe, they won't even listen to what I have to say...or if they will, they won't really listen, they're just pausing so they can jump in and tell me the "real" truth, all along, shaking their head and getting that "poor you" look.

I don't need that. I don't want that. And at that point...I didn't give up, I just stopped thinking. I had been personally struggling with so many issues and questions about "why we're here" and what my purpose was, and then once I [figured it out] I just...stopped. I know how i'm living isn't really any attempt to get to the truth, or any higher step to remembering Who I Am, but god told me all I had to do was exist...and here I am.

Just existing.

There's nothing wrong with my life. If anything, I'm living a rather successful and happy one. What could be better than being supported by two loving parents and siblings, have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, and a typical college life, with pretty good grades. I mean really...it's hard to push myself, when I don't put expectations of something so great for my life as is.

I look at my age, my situation, and I don't know how to break out of it. I know I want more, but I haven't come to the right stage in my life to figure out what I want to do with my life [career wise]. So I can't really explore into that, because I don't know what I want. And I've taken all the stupid quizzes, and what not, and I know what I like, and I know what my values are, and I know what I'm good at.

And I basically just found this lazy, pathetic twenty year old, who doesn't have much talent, and is full of apathy really to find some. Yes, I know something I would really love doing, and it would be acting. But I don't have the drive for it. I don't have the guts to do it, because I wouldn't want to fear not making it, or not having any college degree. And while I know my parents would completely support me, I would still think that they didn't want me to do it. I know they really would sincerely push me and whatever, but I'd always feel like a let down.

I pressure myself. And I look at other people, and while i do enjoy acting, it's not like I'm that great. I mean I did pretty good in HS, i just look at the grander scale, and it's something I want, but I don't have that passion. Not until I'm in it. Not until I'm up on stage, my lines so comfortably memorized, that I walk off the stage smiling because I realize how much fun it is to be there.

So I should try out, so I should do something, and if it is something I could ultimatly do, then I need to just suck it up, start trying out, start practicing and following my dream. I tell other people to do it, and I'm ignoring myself. I'm just so scared to look dumb, trying to do something as cheesy as being an actress.

But still, underneath the fear, I think I have it. It's the only thing I've ever been able to picture myself as.

As an actress.