03 July 2003

I watched the movie Adaptation tonight. It was a very interesting movie. I enjoyed Being John Malkovich so I suppose it would make sense I would also be into the movie written by the same writer.

Both weird.

But I like weird movies. It's so refreshing to see something different. I think...to be different sometimes, it's hard to know where genius begins because you have this world, this society that is constructed to be just so--and when you don't fit into that, are you being actively dismissive? Are you consciously aware that you are doing something outside of the "box" with purpose? Or are you simply, naive, and unknowing...just weird?

I think the genius is the conscious action, not just a trying or moving in a different direction, it's this process of getting outside of everything to create. Anyway, the movie was interesting.

I don't know if I agree with a twist at the end, I don't think it went along with the characters, etc, but even with that I would definitly rate it as one of the best movies I've ever seen. Simply because there was so much to get from it. I want to watch it again, but on the otherhand it's not a very enjoyable movie. [I'm sure you're just dying to go out and rent it now, huh?] I think I would enjoy watching it by myself though.

I was distracted by Jeff flicking my nipples half the time, so perhaps I could get more of an emotional connection to some parts if it was just me alone with the movie. Like being alone with a book.

There's a part in the movie where Meryl Streep's character is all drugged up and she's on the telephone trying to make the sound of a dialtone. So the other person on the line is humming one tone, while she matches it, and when the dialtone appears she says something to the sort of "awesome." And I just laughed and laughed and I felt so appreciative of my own drug experiences.

That scene could look silly or even disgusting as you watch a person unwind to point of retarded childness--BUT, that moment, that "awesome" wave, that flush that sweeps over you when you're under the influence...it's more awesome than you can know.

And I was thinking about that on my drive home from Jeff's. That life is so beautiful as a whole, that I imagine god in ecstacy, as he is swallowed in bliss from all that WE do here on Earth. That all these emotions become just a blur, almost petty. From rage to joy--and god [always] gets to stand back and just take it all in. That must be "awesome."

So in that state, that overwhelming loss of control, as you slip into a different consciousness...perhaps that is experiencing god. That for me, the world is reduced down to its simplest form. That life is cut and lost completely in a moment that passes in a flash. And afterwards I can't understand why I didn't feel guilty about losing myself in this world to something else. I thought I was falling into a point of destruction...not that I was destroying my life, but that my taking it away from what life was supposed to be meant for....living, and drugs takes you away...

But really in its simplest form you see everything. I think you see God.

[and that's awesome.]

This would make more sense I'm sure if you knew my understanding of my spirituality. It's a constant growing. I have such a great strength in my faith, in my concept of the world and purpose. But it doesn't answer everything. I think we're constantly growing...but not necessarily learning. I think god is just nudging us, whispering in our ears to remember everything that's right here in front of us.

I'm not trying to endorse drugs as a constant lifestyle, but I feel like they are a part of life. I think that a lot of things in life are two steps away from abuse, and drugs are just one of those things. I don't know. Not that every drug experience takes you to an enlightened stage. Often looking back I learn more about a situation than I did while it occurred. I think there is an opportunity though, that should be taken advantage of. I think it's okay to just have fun with it too and not get anything out of it. [You're probably getting something out of that too.]

Sometimes just living... it doesn't seem like you're changing or growing, but it's all effecting you. You learn from it later.

If you go far enough I think drugs can reduce everything...beyond simple, beyond stripped, but to nothing. And I realized...that nothing, isn't...nothing.

The idea of Nirvana is discussed in pop culture as the ultimate bliss. But that's wrong. If you study the religion, nirvana is the end. That is the nothingness. It's the end of thought, it's the end of being, it's the end of struggle, of pain, of suffering. I thought it was a terrible goal. Why would you want nothing? How could one not see all that was great in life? That sure the suffering wasn't fun, but what about all the good times?

But tonight, as I thought about it, I realized, that nirvana is bliss. I thought nothing meant no thoughts, no life, but really...just as on drugs your vision of reality is distorted, and is reduced down to simple parts, I think if you let yourself go, really...you don't even see parts you see--nothing! BUT, at that moment, I think you see everything. And it's got to be the most amazing, mindblowing experience and I don't think we can really get there as humans. That is nirvana though, the pure realization of everything.

Do I sound drugged out now or what? I promise, I'm totally sober...yes, I'm just this strange, haha. That's okay, though.

I talk about my trip to NYC tomorrow. :)