05 April 2002

So I actually went out last night. I usually work on Thursdays but my manager was nice enough to not schedule me all week :( . I wasn't feeling good yesterday. For the past week or so I've been getting migraine-like headaches, and they start around three pm. At first I thought it was from my period, but since I'm no longer on my period....yeah.

So, I wasn't feeling very well, and I take an excedrin migraine, and it still doesn't help. So I open up some of my mail, and there's a letter from my bank. Turns out when I tried to pay my college fees online I gave them my checking account (where all my money was) and they tried to withdraw the money from my savings (where there wasn't enough money). So to top it off, I had a fee from the bank, *plus* I had a late fee from my college! ARGH!

And I just start balling....I'm stressed out for money, because I really want to do the Europe thing this summer...and live on campus...and pay off my car...and i'm going to Vegas in a couple weeks, etc! And it really sucks, because my actual tuition had been paid, i had just tried to be "the better person" and give back some of my student loans! So what I was really paying was my student loans--which I wasn't paying at all, I was just trying to give it back!

So I basically got screwed pretty bad. Especially since I only wanted to give back 800 dollars or so, and the financial aid lady said it would be easier to give a full segment of my loan back (985). So I kind of sucked it up, and said okay (and I kind of need/wanted those extra hundreds, but oh well).

Bleh, any way, when the college directly deposited my loan they put it in my checking account. Plus when I tried to do the online "pay your fees thing" it *asked* for my checking account information. So that's what I gave.....Ergh, so I had the money, it was just in the wrong account. And now I have 120 dollars in fees because of it. It just sucks, because i'm already desparate for money. With formal in another week, I had to buy a dress for that (150) and I was thinking about getting a hotel room (there's another 230), and then there's probably formal fees (50), and then if I want to buy drinks (who knows how much), and then I had to buy books for school (300), i owed my dad 350 from last quarter....and it's like i'm down to 200 bucks (and I haven't paid for half of the above mentioned). Umm...oh yeah, i have to pay Jeff some for Vegas, and then of course...i'd like to actually have some money to *spend* in Vegas. It's just very stressing, and this all sucks!

So I cried a bunch. I think I was just post-period blues. I felt overly emotional (rationally, I understood that crying over it, was dumb, but I think I just needed to cry, to get a cry out.) I called my dad, and talked to him for awhile, and then I just tried to make it all stop. I actually got so sick from my headache I thought I was going to throw up. I never felt so violently near actually puking from a headache like that. All I could think was a girl is going to walk in here and think I'm bulemic. But I didn't throw up (thankfully).

I just splashed my face with cold water, and tried to let pain go away. A couple hours later, I decided I was going out. I still didn't feel "up to par" but after making this personal declaration to spend more time with my girls I thought it might be best to go. Besides, I thought maybe going out would take my mind of not feeling good.

Well, it worked.

Jenny and I left before some of the other girls because we wanted to get there for dollar drafts. I think it was about 9:15 when we arrived. The bar was (as expected) not really jumping, since it was so early. I was hoping the person checking IDs would just see that i had a 21+ ID...even though i've still got a couple weeks, but no such luck. ;)

Jenny and I thought there were some girls already there (girls who could buy us some drinks!) but we couldn't find anyone. I hate that feeling. Walking into a bar, feeling obviously under-age. I felt like a freshman. It is a terrible feeling. We kind of wandered around looking like idiots until we ran into one of the new members. She was there with a bunch of kids from her dorm, so we hung out with them. It was reasonably awkward. Them actually being freshmen, and all friends, and then here were two randoms taking up their booth, talking to themselves. I tried to engage in conversation, but it was like pulling teeth at times.

Eventually I got talking to this guy, and that wasn't so bad. Yeah, he wanted me. Haha. Finally the rest of our girls showed up and Amber was sent to go get drinks (our only 21 year old). In the meantime, I had sent the new member off to find her brother to buy me a drink....la la la, so eventually at one point I had two drinks sitting in front of me. My girls had found a table downstairs, while i was still hanging out with the freshmen. After I finished my first beer I went and sat with my girls.

I still felt dumb, being under(age). Oh yeah, this is why I hate drinking at the bars.... I just feel dumb, and I think because I feel so uncomfortable, I really show it (that I'm under). I still think it's dumb to drink in public, and there i was doing it, going against my personal beliefs about it. Oh well. What was sad, is that it had been so long since I had drank that I was tipsy after two beers. Once I had some "liquid dope" drink in me I was pretty "woozy".

These texan gymnasts started taking over at our table and talking to me and the girls. This gross guy was doing the whole shoulder rub down everytime he talked to me (gross!). Guys, if you don't know the girl--don't do that. Even if you're hot, believe me, we don't want you to. And when you're not hot (and usually aren't) you are especially not allowed to touch me!.It's just creepy when you don't know the person.

So, I was trying to get away from them, because most of the girls had abandoned ship "to the bathroom" or somewhere, and i finally got away from them. I was walking up the stairs to find my friends, when all of a sudden I notice this guy, and he says hi to me, and it's this kid from sophomore year spanish class.

I don't think I ever really wrote about him in here....hah,probably cuz I didn't want everyone to know I was crushing on some kid, when I had a boyfriend. ;) But he's completely my type. Slender, a little alternative, absolutely adorable in his glasses and such, amazing smile, fun laugh. I don't know we could have fun together, and we did in class, just giggling. This other girl Stephanie would always be in our group, and we'd always make him go up in front of the class or be our "speaker" in any small group activity. We would flirt a lot, and sometimes he'd walk me home after class.

I think it was hard, because I hadn't been dating Jeff that long (it had only been over that summer) so to right away meet this great guy...when i wasn't really in love (although, admittedly falling for Jeff). It was just kind of like...i don't know, letting go of all those fun flirting and mysterious dating times. Anway, the spanish kid knew i had a boyfriend and stuff, he would just always joke to give him a call if we ever broke up.

So just by coincidence I had happened to randomly email spanish kid (okay, his name is Mike) the other day, so to run into him was kind of funny. We ended up talking and drinking for almost three hours. Man, i was such a bad flirt, but it never went beyond that. Haha, how weird, i mean he just randomly came to the bar (it's one of the most popular on campus, and he had never even been to it), and he was by himself too! Plus, the place was completely packed. I don't know, it was fun. Ah, good times.

After i got home, i was definitly drunk. Called jeff a couple times but he didn't answer. Finally went to bed, although i was definitly on the border of throwing up (don't shut your eyes, ag, or the world will spin!). But I must have eventually fell asleep. I guess Jeff called a three times in the night, but I was out of it. This morning heidi said that when he first called, that I got up and was walking around the room whispering, "yes! yes!" (I guess I was happy he called ;)...uh, but then i didn't answer the phone...i just went back to bed! La la la...haha, oh well. I was probably still drunk in my sleep. I don't remember that at all.

So this morning, I wasn't feeling so good. ;) Haha, the girls woke up around 8:30--that's such a killer. I would have rather slept into 10 but oh well. I was supposed to go out to eat with Kat but I really wasn't in the mood. I wanted to see Jeff since I hadn't seen/talked to him at all the previous day.

So I called him, and we went out to eat instead. At lunch...Jeff mentioned an email he got from me. Well...a couple of days ago I was over at his house, and he was completely ignoring me. When I asked if I could come over he responded with "i guess" and when I was there, he was barely kissing me back, or reacting to my enthusiasm or anything. He acted like I wasn't there, and just started spinning records. Truthfully, I was a little pissed I was wasting my time being over there. I was mad he wasn't paying any attention to me, and i couldn't understand why he wouldn't just say "no, i'm going to spin records for awhile" when I asked if i could come over.

His room is split into two rooms, so he was in one spinning, and i was in the other. So i got on his computer, and wrote him a bitter email. La la la....i tried not to make it too mean, especially since it's hard to "hear" the emotions in an email, and it could be taken any way. I basically said thanks for inviting me over to watch Jay Leno by myself. Next time don't bother.

So at lunch he told me I should have just told him what was wrong. And I apologized for the email, and he also apologized for his behavior. But what makes it terrible, is that he was purposely doing that, acting that way. He said he felt for the last couple of days it felt more like we were friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, and he wanted me to feel how he had felt. (Ignored, I don't know?). Which I think is BS. I don't think I have acted "only friends" with him. I think spring break was pretty darn boring, so we sat around a lot. PLUS, I was on my period, so it's not like i'm going to be getting all up on him.

Although, as an interjection, he must have forgiven me about 3am that evening (when i wrote him the email), because we both randomly woke up, and had pretty passionate sex, haha. (I really felt guilty for the email then! la!).

So, we kind of said our thing, than sat through the rest of lunch silently. It wasn't really an angry silence. For me, it was mostly "whatever". I mean, i don't feel like i've treated him poorly. And everytime he does this (because it's happened before) it's pretty hurtful. I mean who purposely tries to hurt their girlfriend by ignoring them and turning away from their affection? AND, if I had been acting non-affectionate, the period was why. I went over there all about having sex (because I was finally finished) so it did suck that he appeared to be completely uninterested in me.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of always worrying about the state of the relationship. I feel like the 'ship is fine, but I just constantly worry and act paranoid about things that it just gets manifested into the relationship. I think it is a tad boring...and i think it's that way because we spend too much time together. How do you tell your boyfriend we don't need to spend every single second of our free (or not so free) time together? I know my sex drive would be a lot higher, if I saw him every other day. It's not that I don't like hanging out or seeing him...because when I don't see him I'm sad (I know, that's pathetic ;). Just that...if we want novelty to be there, you can't always be together.

And it does make me wonder, that if this is how it is, would we really make it if we got married? i don't know.

And Jeff said at lunch that he agreed that sometimes we were "right on" and it was kind of like...i don't know, like I feel as if he expects it to always be constantly "on". And for having dated for almost two years, most of our time together is on, almost weird, it's *so* on. I still get excited when he walks through the door, and sometimes I just bubble over when i just lie there and watch him, because I know that I love him so much.

But it can't be powerful and emotional, at every second. And i think I take on some of that stress, some of that urgent need to always be entertaining, and sexual, and i can't be like that all the time.

ERgh, i guess i just want more personal time...and he's saying i don't put enough into the relationship! I don't think this is the "end" for us. I still see us together, I just wish...i don't know.

I don't think I can even begin to comprehend the emotions i would feel if we would break up. I would be so crushed. It would be [interesting] to see how i would recover. My life is so intwined in his...I don't want us to break up. I don't want to date other people. I just think we need more of our own time, and I think we need to be with others more too.

What we need is a fellow dating couple to just chill with.