13 April 2002

I'm so emotional. I've burst out into random tears 3 times today and been close to that a couple times more. Bleh, I'm just so...i don't know. Frustrated? but with no reason. Not even frustrated. Confused? Not even that so much, I just feel wrong and I know that isn't a very good description (nor does it make sense) but I feel this...weight on me.

And maybe not that I feel wrong, but just there is something wrong. And I know my heart's feeling heavy, and I don't even know if there really is something triggering this. I'm pretty sure it's the PMS (hence all the random cries).

I feel bad about....Jeff and I. And it's funny, because we started out the week having sex everyday. And that was fun, and nice for a change, and I was thinking maybe we'd even keep it up. And then all of a sudden Thursday hits and it all goes bad.

I didn't have to work, so i planned on going out with the girls over to a fraternity house to drink. We all gave money, and am's boy bought us some alcohol for us to drink later. Jeff ends up getting out of work early, calls me around 8:30, and asks me if I want to drink/go out with him. So I tell him I'm going to pre-drink with my girls (since I told them i'd go, one, and two, I already paid for everything) but that I did want to go out with him--even downtown (I usually don't want to go downtown because of the 21+ thing).

So he's kind of huffy that i'm going out with the girls, and i think he just wants to make it easy and have me go pre-drink with him (that way we won't have to worry about playing phone tag between people--i don't have my own cell phone.)

Plus, he makes it sound as if everyone will go out as soon as he gets home from work (~9:30) which I'm thinking there's no way that will happen (who goes out at 9:30 in college?). But whatever...

The girls are supposed to be drinking by 9:30, but of course, we don't even leave until 10:15. I'm getting kind of ansy because I know when Jeff calls I'm leaving (I didn't really want to hang out at this fraternity for longer than a few drinks). Plus the night before didn't feel all that great with Jeff, so I wanted to patch things up.

So he calls, and says they're pre-drinking and I should come over (no, i'm pre-drinking here, call me when you know where you're going.).

Then he calls me again to tell me he's going down to his fraternity (Well, that's great, but call me when you know where you're going.) At this point he just seems annoyed, because he doesn't know where he's going, and...i don't know.

So finally, he calls me later, and tells me they're going to b.hamptons and they're leaving in a few minutes. So I walk down there, and it's just me and his guys. There were two good things about the night: one, i used my fake I.D. at three different bars, with no problem at all--and they were even looking at the picture (I look nothing like "tracy"), plus i discovered this huge fantastic place called Margarita Mama's. I'm sure it's going to be the place during the summer.

BUT, Jeff wasn't being....i don't know. For the first two bars it was okay. I think we just felt bored. The drinks are so expensive, and I hate paying so much, plus he was paying at first, and I felt bad since they were so much $$$....And when we finally got to the last bar, I was tired, cold and drunk. I didn't want to drink anymore and I just wanted to sit down (or leave). So I sat down on a couch and he was going to get a drink, and i said i was just going to sit there--and he wanted me to go to the bar with him. So it turned into this stubborn cycle, and I didn't move from the couch....and he didn't move from the bar.

Eventually, he moved, but not to me. He walked around, talked to other people, walked right pass where i was sitting (completely alone, mind you) not even looking at me. And that's fine, that's my fault for not walking around with him, but he was out on the patio and I was in a tank top, and it was getting chilly by then, especially with the wind and all.

I had three differnt people approach me and try to buy me a drink or uh "party"--haha, some guy asked me if I "partied". I'm sure that meant some type of drug, but I didn't know which one, so I just said "yes....but i'm all partied out." Haha, i'm such a dork.

So finally, it's looking like the bar is emptying out (it's 2am now) so I go out into the patio. Basically just sit down by Jeff and being cold. He asks me if I want him to call a cab for me. I mean.....(not to be a valley girl but..)"whatever." Like I'd really ask him to call me a cab from downtown, so i could go back by myself. No way would I have ever done that. So I told him no, I'd just wait. Sat around....ended up taking a shot of tequilla (I must have been drunk, cuz the shot went right down without any trouble, and usually just the smell of that stuff makes my stomach ripple).

We're sitting there, outside, and we're both being....not so much pissy, just...kind of ignoring each other. Not really being mean, but I know he's purposely acting the way he is. And we're looking at each other, and tears just start slowing spilling out of my eyes.

Finally, half of jeff's crew is leaving, so i go. I think the rest were all cocained up (or something) so they were going to stay awhile. Got back to jeff's place, and basically went right to bed.....but not before I sobbed (I mean sob!). He say's he sorry, and I apologize for crying (I think most of it is PMS) as nothing was really wrong, I just felt that...feeling i spoke of above.

So the next day (friday) we both have to work. After work I call him to see what's going on. He tells me about a party, and he could either sit around or drink. I'm feeling tired, and frustrated and not really up to making decisions, so i tell him i'm going to call him back. My house is empty, but my roomie is home. She says she'd like to go to the party. I wasn't in the biggest party mood, but I thought sure, i would just go out, try really hard to get drunk and have a good time (so jeff and I could finally say we had a good time together....). I call Jeff back say let's go to the party, but we have to get ready (ok).

So Heidi and I shower/get ready, get all cute with jean skirts/dresses and I call Jeff to see how he wants to do this, to walk over to the party, and he tells me on the phone that he really doesn't want to go anymore. (It's also started raining by this point). He said he was tired, and wasn't going to drink for the rest of the night.

Now, if it had just been me, i probably would have just said "well, that sucks" and then came over, and not worried about it. But having Heidi there, all dressed up, with no where to go (not a person in the house)--I felt really bad. I didn't really want to go over to this house without Jeff. I mean I would know his other fraternity brothers, but I didn't really want to go without him--one because i would feel dumb walking up to someone else's party, and two, just because I really wanted to spend time with him, to fix this...whatever it is.

So I ask him if he'll at least go up there for awhile with us. So he does (but I'm practically dragging him along). Get there, don't finish half a beer before he says he's going to leave. He's being especially pissy and I don't really want him to leave without me. I too don't feel like being there (didn't really feel like going in the first place, just thought it would be a good opportunity to show jeff I can have "fun" while we drink.) Plus, even if I had stayed i'm sure all i would have thought about was Jeff so I wouldn't have been a very fun companion anyway. So I told Heidi.

She tried to get ahold of other girls to come, but no one was answering their cells. So we left, and I went over to jeff's. We layed in bed and listened to music, which just made me sleepy. WE kind of stared at each other for awhile, but he wasn't being especially friendly (and perhaps I wasn't either). All I could think was, Maybe it is time we took a break.

I kept telling myself that I was PMS-ing and this was not the time to hold a "heart to heart" talk--with anyone, about anything! Haha, I should not be making any type of decisions during this time, because i'm not logical or rational. I'm just blurred and emotional.

So we went to bed.

Today, i had to get up early and I haven't heard from him (he's working tonight.)

So I feel bad. I screwed over my best girl friend, and my boy last night. It didn't make me feel very good. I don't know what would have been the better decision--maybe I just should have told Heidi I wasn't going at all, I don't know.

There really isn't anything wrong with me and Jeff--but there is, you know?

I don't think either of us can take much more than this though. We're both too...wrapped up in each other to feel hurt on a daily basis. And maybe he isn't hurting, but knowing he is my unit, he probably is.

When we're "on" I'm simply crazy and dazzled by him and he practically worships me. And when it's "off" there's just nothing, like I don't exist. And I can't describe the hurt, because there is no inbetween, and i think we need to have an in-between, because it hurts so much more, when i expect his love 100%, and I feel ignored.

And I feel bad, because i want to talk to people about it, but I don't want people to think he's this terrible boyfriend, because he's not. Because Jeff is right when he says he puts so much of himself into this relationship, he really does. I've just been feeling so uncertain about things. I don't really know what to do.