01 August 2003

Haha, as you can see from my frequent writings the month of July was quite exciting. ;)

My typical day looks something like this: get up at 10:30am eat lunch, read the paper (I've gotten in the habit of actually reading the whole thing!), check my email, go to the gym (for at least 40 minutes, but often for 100 minutes), shower, job search, go to work, watch TV at Jeff's, go to bed around 2:30am. Repeat.

Fun, huh? Now you know why I didn't write! Job search is....as you hear in the news. Apparently there are jobs to be had, but I don't think by me. Ads are flooded and I do not match the 5 year + experience desired, the computer knowledge expected, the office experience wanted, the writing sample(s) necessary, fax machine access abled, etc.

No one will answer my resume, my email, my voicemail. I'll be lucky if I ever get an interview, let alone a job.

But it's all good. Haha, I'm just taking it one step at a time. I had a couple of days awhile back where I felt defeated and useless (er, okay, I still feel like that), but now I have accepted it. And with acceptance comes a sense of inner peace. (Besides, I live at home and don't have any real responsibilities...it's hard to get too upset, you know?)

Sure, I feel like I'm wasting away, and if someone stuck a test in front of me I'd probably fail as my knowledge and education quickly runs away and I fall out of practice. Do I wish I was going back to school in the fall....hmm, yeah kind of.

Not as a fifth year though. I mean, if I was going back and all my friends would be there, etc. Sure, I don't think that would be too bad. Or even graduate school...I think that would be something to be excited about. But there's no real point in fantasizing about it, because I'm not going. Not like school is what I really want anyway. What I want is a job. And I'll find one...eventually...right?

So far my strategy has been online searches, newspaper and other job sources (through university, etc). Well, that hasn't worked. I suppose it's time to actually start networking. This will be interesting. I've been doing a lot of general research. Actually, this is very much how I would go about a project for school.

I've read up on a lot of differnt topics related to finding/getting a job. I've taken notes, bookmarked pages, made copies and more. I think my research period is done now it's time to organize it (put together all my different notes on say a resume). Once that is completed, I will actually go through the notes and apply them (ex. start a cover letter from scratch using tips I've discovered). Somewhere along the way I've got a section on Networking. Let's hope some of this research pays off. Either way, it's kept me entertained these past two months looking for a job.

I'm beginning to realize that I probably won't be moving anywhere in January as I had initially thought. I figured it you were *really* looking for a job you'd be able to find one. Perhaps not in your first pick area, but at least a full time, decent paying, with benefits job. (Satan laugh...yeah right.

Now, the thought of moving somewhere, being all alone, with my minimal saved funds quickly depleting, it sounds pretty awful. Unless of course if I was near the beach. It can't be all that bad if I've got the ocean and warm sand, right? :) AND, although I do not want to do it, I've told myself that wherever I go if I'm not employeed I would look immediately for work--just for work. And the nice thing about waitressing is that depending on the place you end up in, you can actually make pretty good money at it. I am *really* ready to be done with the food industry, but if it means I'm in a cool city while I look for work and it's paying the bills,all is well.

Jeff is expiring. Fast. I don't know if this is him going through his own panic/frustration of being employed or what, but it's not pretty. He has turned incredibly bitter. Although he needs the money I really think he should quit the restaurant. He has this angry face on from the moment he comes in. Everything is a bother. He doesn't want to help. And he keeps getting screwed over. I think his last five shifts have been pretty crappy.

I know a few bad days in a row turn me bitter too. It's a mix of things...still in debt from fraternity dues, and not saving any money this summer even though we never go out, and he doesn't buy new things. Plus he's been working on his portfolio but he can't find an open url for his design work. Everything he comes up with is taken...and usually not being used, just taken to be sold. He's going crazy.

He hasn't really talked to me in the past three days. The first day I let it pass...I'm on my period, I'm not missing out on anything by not seeing him ;) The second day he's being really grumpy so I don't even want to hang out. And today at work he didn't say one thing to me! That...hurt. Part of me was angry that he wasn't saying anything, and it ALWAYS feels like I'm the one to break the silence and it's not even ME being the hard one. But, I already know if I play "his game" of silence it'll just extend the silence. So I kind of small talk with him, but I don't really get anything.

I'm surprised he even waved "bye" at the end of the shift. And not a happy I'll call you later bye. It completely looked like he did it out of courtesy, not by desire. I'm just going to assume he's upset with work and I'm not going to dwell on it. It's too easy to internalize and worry about "us"--but to be honest i'm not worried about us...whatever the problem is, he'll need to work it out, and when he's ready to talk about it, I'll be here. In the meantime I have no idea how to act when he's like this.

Does he want me to pay attention to him? Does he want me to just pretend like I don't exist (that's what he makes me feel).

Argh. :(

BTW, about a week ago, in happier (and drunk) times he blurted out that he was going to marry me! Unfortunately, I was too drunk myself to realize the great importance of this statement. And I think I just drunk cried and said "I love You!" and then I passed out. Romantic, I know.