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losing my virginity & the nature of experience
2 April 2000
And so my virginity dissipates into memory, with little fanfare...
I awoke with mild concern, and a bit of overwhelming pressure--all created within my mind. I could take from what happened to me with any approach I chose. My first thought....my power trip virginity, not quite ready to confess I had lost the power; I even questioned.....am i really not a virgin anymore?
Partial penetration. A tease if anything. And if I may, I totally disagree with that action.
First of all. Not safe. I've read my 'teen magazines enough to know that pregnancy can occur from pre-ejaculation. Not to mention STD's and who knows what else. Although the E may bring us together in some unspoken emotional bond, and he's already told me half of his life story, the truth is that I really don't know him.
So it was intercourse...partially, which technically would mean, that I'm not a virgin anymore. But it's almost feels as if I've lost my virginity, but I haven't had sex. Intercourse without the coitus. Or maybe sort of a coitus interruptus. Sort of.
And so I went my day, slowly reflecting on my actions, his actions, how i felt about it, what it meant, what I would do now.... I have evaluated sex, and came to my own decisions and conclusions for its purpose and how I will use it and view it in a society role.
Truthfully, my activities were just progressing and foreshadowing any of this happening. It's not as if it all hit at once. I may have been a virgin in some technical terms, but as for sexual activity I was mildly active. And I wasn't holding onto my virginity for any particular reason other than the fact, it just hadn't happened. I don't mean to downplay what sex could be...what sex should be. I just think on general terms, sex doesn't have some holy feature to it. It's not that the movies pictorial viewpoint of casual sex, running rampant, as common on the street as the sewers that run below it, that have influenced me to come to this conclusion.
It's a personal view, taken in context from CWG, and even if you will, Stranger in a Strange Land. It is giving a part of yourself away, but it doesn't have to be dirty, and it even doesn't necessarily need to denote any specialness. If I live by the rules of One, and connecting essence of everyone in the world, sharing yourself through sex, no matter who the person is, is always a really beautiful and amazing thing.
It's not to just satisfy some personal lustful gratification. It just simply is. I don't think there really is anything honorable about saving yourself (unless if you commit to that decision because of a religious belief---I may not believe in what they believe in, but I think whatever you do believe you should live in that way...and especially for Christians, it's totally awesome when you are in the presence of a "real" Christian.). You can make anything special, by the way you think about it. The way it happens, every circumstance, every thought concerning it. Even better you can take any experience and make it something important, because it is important.
There is of course, reputation and health to think about. First what does he think of a virgin who would have sex with him after...oh two dates? There is of course the thought of what i must think of him as well.... He asked me what made him so special, and I mumbled something.
It doesn't look very good on my part, that the answer is practically....well you were there, and...yeah. And it's more than that, it's just.....on the surface, I don't care. I am a completely positive person in my life, but at the same time this ever invading apathy runs its streams through me. I can't figure out if it's some protection from what would happen if I would care, or if I don't care, because there really is nothing to care about. And I don't mean it like that, that nothing matters. Just in the simple mind frame, I don't think about things the way people normally do. I don't feel it's bad the way other people think, or bad or better the way I think, I just feel that if you don't understand the way I'm viewing it, it won't look good or make sense to the person who is seeing or hearing it.
If anything, it's a matter of simplicity. I was willing to lose my virginity almost without care, because it's about your attachment to what is here. It's all a stream of events of experiences, and it's all to be, and feel and experience God. To understand your Self, to figure out who you are, or to remember who you are. You've already been created, but you're creating yourself. Another facet I haven't seen, or haven't felt from this angle, this life, but it's already understood. It's without any judging or praise, it just is. It all is.
Thank you. Namaste.
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